A Mother's Pride

Chapter 60

Mmampho's POV

Besides Chris, I have been in love with one guy and he shattered everything in me. That's why it was so hard to trust Chris even though I saw how much of a great guy he was. He was perfect, but I just couldn't get over the fact that that's how Thabo started as well. I mean, sure he said that I should never compare but I don't want to get my heart broken again.

Ever since Thabo broke my heart, I have been so skeptical when it comes to love. It's hard to let myself fall because of the uncertainty that I might get my heart broken again. It's so hard to go all in and I know that he has been nothing but good to me but I still could not get myself to forget what happened to me. Thabo was the love of my life and I never saw myself being with anybody else but him. We were happy, he made me happy. It was just so hard to get over, which is why it took me ten years to get into another relationship. I guess it's right to say that I was a hopeless romantic until Thabo broke my heart. Recovering from that heartbreak was the hardest thing that I ever had to do.

I fell in love with him unexpectedly and he broke my heart unexpectedly. I never saw it coming. I was scared that the same was going to happen with Chris.

Thabo told me that he loved me so many times, which is why after he left me for that bitch, I stopped believing in love completely. I was cynical when it came to love, relationships and finding your significant other. Because honestly, if Thabo could just say the word without meaning it, everybody else could do that. How do we really know which person is genuine? I felt like love was overrated and none of it is ever true. I wanted nothing to do with love.

I felt like love was very conniving, because it could give you so much joy, euphoria, ecstasy, those little butterflies that won't stop fluttering in your tummy when your favorite person is in the room, and it lets you feel every good emotion out there but it also had the power to destroy everything in you. To shatter you to pieces and stomp on your heart so hard. It had the power to take away all those good emotions that it brought and make you feel insecure, unloved and broken. It is such a teaser, it shows you how good life can be only to throw you in the deep end afterwards, giving you so much pain that you would look back at the good and start wishing to have it but you just couldn't.

That's not fair now is it? I asked myself, why do we fall in love if later on, it is going to destroy us? What is the point of all this romance, promises, passion and affection when it's going to disappear eventually? What is the point of being in love if it's just temporary? I didn't want to go through all that again so by any cost, I avoided falling in love.

When I saw how I had fallen for Chris, I left him immediately because I loved him too much that he had the power over me, he now had every power to destroy and shatter me like Thabo did. It scared me so much that I had to stop it before it dug much deeper. I had to get away from him. Because if he had the chance, he would destroy me as well and I don't think I would be able to get back on my feet again after that.

It just really scared me to put my emotions on the line like that, to put my heart on the line. Falling in love is a risk. You risk losing yourself, you risk being hurt, you risk breaking your heart.

But I learnt that if you commit to someone, you have to be comfortable with uncertainty. There is no point in being overly cautious. I guess I'm okay with giving it a go one more time. Besides it was only one heartbreak, I think I can take on five more.

I wasn't lying about wanting to find myself and being independent though, I also wanted that but I got to figure that being independent and being single is not the same thing. I can achieve my goals on my own while I am in a relationship with someone, provided I've got enough time on my plate.

Turns out, life doesn't get much easier- whether I'm unemployed and living in a shack or living in my man's mansion and still unemployed or living in my two-bedroom house, with two jobs, have night school and I'm independent, it doesn't get much easier. Problems are still going to arise and I should be able to adapt to that anytime and prepare for it all.

I had built this wall and kept it high to protect my heart but I figured, what's the use because I'm keeping my heart from leaping. I needed to set myself free... or my heart. Keeping it trapped is depriving it off its ability to love. Besides the scientific significance of pumping blood, a heart is meant to love. But I only let myself love the two people that I knew would never disappoint me, my children but they are kids and sometimes they do disappoint. I guess nobody has this love thing figured out because in most cases, what we avoid, happens.

I cannot live my life in fear of getting hurt, that way I never live up to my full potential. I'm limiting myself. Sometimes it's easier to just let things be. Surprisingly, I got to discover myself by stepping out of my comfort zone even though I hadn't fully stepped out but yea I did and I'd be lying if I said that Chris did not make me the happiest woman alive. I just hated the concept of a man being the one to make me happy.

I went through the most horrible ten years of my life, with constant pain that I never thought I would overcome. I felt like I was stuck in a closed tunnel-no light at the end,. I stopped being hopeful because I thought that it's a part of me and that's where I was supposed to be, you know with destiny and stuff? I thought I was destined to be trapped in that tunnel for life. I eventually let go off the string of hope that I was holding tightly onto, and now that I escaped, I never want to go back to that again. I blamed love and for that I despised it. That's why when I felt myself falling for Chris, I ran for my life because if he had to disappoint me, I would go back to that tunnel and never get to have the opportunity to leave again. When really, Chris helped me escape that tunnel, but because he did, he also had the power to send me back. But I tried putting myself in his shoes and realized that I had become the heartbreaker. I became what I was scared of. I realized that by 'protecting my heart,' I made someone go through the pain that I went through. I let him get too attached and I dropped him for my selfish reasons. It's not fair that I don't want it to be done to me but I did it to someone else.

It's very complicated but seriously, pain isn't a pleasant feeling and I would murder someone who caused it to me or any of my babies.

It feels great to finally be free. It took years but I ultimately got freed. Eleven years later and I finally let someone in. It took me that long to heal but what's important is that I did. I figured that you can never guarantee a happy ending with someone, you can only hope.

Zandile told me that when someone really loved you, you can feel it, it just feels right and that's what I thought with Thabo. I felt it, it felt right, I felt loved for the years we shared together, until he broke my heart. Now it gets confusing to determine whether a person genuinely loves me or not. Or maybe I'm the one who got it all wrong.

Sometimes when you've been shattered, you think every person is ought to do the same, you become too quick to assume the worst of the next person, your trust issues become as big as a mountain and getting over that mountain is a huge process. Letting your vulnerability show to someone, gives them the power to hurt you and that sucks.

I also learnt that you cannot have the highs without the lows, that avoiding pain doesn't make life easier. I can't have a real shot at happiness if I contemplate falling in love.

If I'm being completely honest, I love Chris and I wouldn't bare to lose him. I really have a good feeling about this whole thing. I am really glad that we got back together. I told Mavis about it and she was happy for me, well, after she said, I told you so. The kids were happy for me and I called my mom to tell her and she was happy too. I'm hoping that I will get my happy ending with Chris.

I also learnt that I will never discover how strong I am if I never let myself feel. I mean, now I know that I am strong enough to overcome a heartbreak because I have been heartbroken. It's like if a lion doesn't go out there to hunt its prey, it will never know that it is capable of killing an animal and providing food for itself. I now believe that I am strong enough to take on anything that life brings my way.

I told myself that I am not going to pass up this opportunity to feel whole again, to feel great, to feel and fall in love again. I made a decision and I'm going to live up to it. I will love Chris with all my heart and will never look over my shoulder, I will let my heart leap and I will not have a problem if the butterflies flutter day in and day out. I will make him the happiest man alive, like he makes me happy. I will give him my heart and because he gave me his, I will hold it with care like the fragile object that it is.