A Mother's Pride

Chapter 56

Mmampho's POV

The brunette-haired woman squirts oil on my back, spreads it until my whole back is oily and starts applying pressure with her fists like she is kneading dough. With every pressure she applies, it feels like a load of baggage is being removed and I start to feel more relaxed. Her fists move from my waist, where the blanket is tucked into my underwear up to my shoulders, where it feels like more pressure is needed. Every time she applies pressure there, a moan unintentionally escapes my mouth.

"It feels good doesn't it?" Chris asks. He is also being massaged just next to me.

"Very." I groan. "I really needed this." I add.

Chris paid for this weekend away with me because I was feeling overwhelmed by my exams and chaotic life. And after so much thought, I thought I needed this as well. At first my pride would not let me agree for him to spend money on me but ultimately, I gave in.

I was sitting in the kitchen trying to study when I started to panic a little bit. I was feeling  like I could not do it anymore.

I was thinking about my mid-year exams which I am writing in two weeks and studying had really been difficult. I could not find the time to do it and even if there was time, I would be too fatigued to even do anything.

It frustrated me. I tried everything to get where I am and for a minute there it felt like everything was going south. There was just so much pressure. The worst part about it is that I still had to wake up early the following morning to go to work.

My head was throbbing and I could not think straight. It felt like energy was being constantly drained out of me. The stress spread through my mind like ink on paper. I took deep, ragged breaths before placing my hands, enclosed together on the kitchen table. I was awake but it felt like a nightmare. What was I thinking?

The world outside teased me with its silence, everything and everyone was asleep. My tiredness made me limp like wet laundry on a cold day. It was like each one of my muscles was constantly giving into gravity. What I needed at that moment was sleep, for many hours on a nice and comfortable bed and have the most beautiful dreams ever.

But that could not happen unless I wanted to fail. I had to study, otherwise all that hard work would be useless. My books were scattered on the kitchen table and just by looking at them, my brain got tired.

Why does this get overwhelming each and every day? I thought.

I had my phone in my hands and I had been on Chris' contact number for ten minutes, contemplating whether I should call him or not. He did say I should call him whenever I needed him and at that moment I think I did. It had been a week since the date and we only talked two days afterwards when he called me to ask how I was coping with school and the jobs and if everything was getting better. At that moment, I just wanted to curl my body under the blankets and cry until it's all over.

I called the number and with every ring I started to be anxious a little bit more. He did not pick up. I tried for the second time time and he still did not pick up. I got frustrated and teared a page in my book. Ripping it just gave me a sense of satisfaction which is why I repeated the deed.

I propped against my elbows and I moved my hands from my cheeks to my hair. I felt like yanking it off my skull. I breathed in, my breath sounded shaky then I banged my fists on the table. It felt like my world was falling apart. I called him again and I told myself that if he did not pick up, I was going to lose it. I needed the pep-talk from him.

Normally I feel like I can do things myself but at that point I needed someone who was more experienced in all this, someone who has been in my shoes. I admitted to needing a hand and as shocking as it is, Chris seemed relevant. He did not pick up and I was disappointed. It was an hour past midnight and I was supposed to wake up in six hours.

Tears rolled down my face and I felt defeated. I started to realize that it wasn't just about the exams, my whole world was crashing and burning and I was sitting and watching helplessly because whatever I would do, I would be adding fuel to the fire. Whether I quit school; which would destroy my dream of going to college and finding a proper job to provide for my kids, whether I quit my jobs or one of them; which would lower my salary; whether I continue at life the way I had been the whole time; which would feel overwhelming and probably get me fired because I hardly do things right at work and it would also be the reason I fail and won't get my NSC.

It's kind of hard to work when my eyelids feel heavy all the time. I felt like I am on a crossroad and I had no idea which road to take next. The thoughts just kept coming at me, I felt like I was losing my mind.

I thought I was picking up the pieces of my life but I got to realize that I was now breaking into pieces. My sniffles where the only sounds I could hear in that silent night. The silence just made it feel like I was alone. I was fighting the battle alone and I was losing.

A few minutes later, as I was sprawled helplessly on my bed, drowning in my thoughts in the silent night, my phone rang and it was really loud. I got up really fast and wiped my tears quickly like he would be able to see me. I took deep breaths, hoping that it would make it less obvious to him that I had been crying before answering the phone.

You know what that call felt like? It felt like I was drowning in an ocean for a while and when I had finally given up all hope of somebody coming to save me, somebody finally pulled me out of the water and relief washed over me.

"Mmampho, are you okay? I just saw your missed call, sorry I was working downstairs, what's up?" The concern in his voice made my heart melt.

He was so nice and caring, he was willing to be there for me even though I broke his heart. He was too forgiving and I haven't even apologized for what I did to him. Before answering him, I took deep breaths again but they were shaky, as though I was about to break into a cry. I sniffled and the words could not escape my mouth. My throat felt dry and my chest felt tight, it also felt like a knot was being tied in my stomach. I suddenly could not breath and I felt weak and pathetic because I was about to let myself be vulnerable. I hated the fact that I had to run to a man for help while I had been constantly pushing him away from being my savior. I hated that but now I was running to him again for exactly that.

"Mmampho, is everything okay?" He asked and every time I tried to open my mouth, I knew I was going to cry so I stopped myself. I hung up the phone.

What is happening to you, I asked myself after hanging up the phone. I laid on my back, facing the ceiling and the tears escaped from the corners of my eyes, sliding down to the side until they wet my duvet. I took the pillow next to me and threw it out of frustration. L

He called again and I picked up, he asked in urgency what is up with me and if he should come to my house.

"No, no, don't come. It's okay."  I got myself to say through the sobs.

"What's going on then?"  He sounded worried but I just could not get myself to tell him. I just felt weak and pathetic and I hated that it had to be him that I run to.