A Mother's Pride

Chapter 22

"What are you tired of Lesedi?" Mom asks him.

Everybody is just frozen. I look at Lesedi, a very powerful gaze showing him that I will hit the hell out of him if he talks. Naledi is facing down, playing with her fingers and Thabo is still sitting on the sofa, he is also avoiding eye contact with the rest of us.

Is my secret about to come out? At a time like this? Why did I get such weakling for a son? Ugh!

"What is it? What are you guys not telling me?" My mother raises her voice and I get startled.

"What is it Lesedi?" She asks again, "what are you tired of son?"

"I am just tired granny. Just tired." He doesn't shift his gaze from me. His last sentence sounded like his voice was breaking into a cry. He falls back on the sofa just next to his father and starts playing with his hands too.

"Are you guys going to tell me what is going on? I am not stupid. Clearly something is going on here and Lesedi, you better speak up son."

"Granny, I am tired of everything. I am tired of the lies, the--"

"Lesedi." I say through my teeth to stop him.

"The secrets, the counterfeit life. I am tired of living the life I do not enjoy. What mom? This...this is all for you, not me. Christmas was going to be awful anyway because I hate him and it's not like you do not know this already."

My mother stops me before I can slap Lesedi.

"Mmampho don't hit him. Explain to me what the child is on about."

"I don't know, why won't you ask him?"

"Mmampho, we can have a proper conversation if you change your attitude." My mother says.

Thabo and Naledi are not saying anything, instead they sit awkwardly and look at us.

"Is any of you going to tell me what is going on?"

"Mom and dad are not actually together and this is not our house. Mom asked Thabo for us to live here and pretend as though we are a happy family and that they never broke up. But truth is, they broke up years ago. When Naledi was still in mom's womb and we had nowhere to go. We lived in a shack until..." He continues telling the story and I leave the house to go outside.

It's betrayal isn't it? When you tell someone a secret and make them swear that they will not blurt it out to anyone but when things get hard for them, when they feel pressurized they use it to their advantage and tell on you. Because my own son just betrayed me. He betrayed me for his own personal reasons.

I was going to tell mom the truth, eventually but Lesedi could not wait to tell his dear granny that his conniving mother is poor. I cannot believe this child. I really cannot.

Now how do I face my mother after what just happened inside? How do I break it down to her? How do I explain it all, how do I explain my reasons for lying? Is she even going to understand? Is she supposed to? Damn! Lesedi! He's a coward, just like his father.

Now what?

"Are you okay Momo?"

"Yes ma."

"Why would you lie like that?"

"What choice did I have ma? I am a whole disappointment. Even my kids are disappointed in me.

"When I saw you a few weeks ago, I was happy. I was happy that I was about to be given yet another chance to fix things with you, so that we can be happy all over again. But when I saw how happy you were to see me, how forgiving you were, I became embarrassed because if you would have heard my real life story then you would be disappointed. I did not want to let you down all over again.

"That smile you had when you hugged me that day, I did not want to be the reason it disappeared. I wanted to see it every single day and for once I wanted to be the reason you smiled." Don't cry now Mmampho.

"Don't you know the saying that you would rather make a person cry with the truth than comfort them with lies?" She chuckles.

"And it wasn't the first time you made me smile. The first time you ever made me smile was when I held you for the first time as a newborn. Then from that day on, you never stopped making me smile. Seeing you breathe, play around, your first words, the day you took your first steps, all those days when we lived together, seeing you alive is enough to make me smile because I brought you onto this earth. Why didn't you come home after he kicked you guys out?"

"I didn't want to hear you say 'I told you so,'" I tell her.

"So you would rather suffer than come to your own parents for help? Mmampho, do not ever make such assumptions, ever. I am your mother and regardless of whether we fight or whatsoever, I will never dessert you. I will never leave you to suffer. I will never make you feel horrible for the choices you made. Mistakes happen dear.

"Love drives people crazy sometimes kid and I understood what you were going through. I would never kick you out. I am just glad that you learnt your lesson, even though it was the hard way.

"Maybe life did not work out for you the way you thought it would, but you should not beat yourself up for it. I never asked God for a perfect child Momo. I just asked for a child. And with all her imperfections and flaws, I swore to forever love her." At this point she holds both my hands and looks at me but I look away and I hope the pool of tears created in my eyes does not overflow.

"Life hits you and when it hits you, you might feel worthless but that is not an invitation to give up or to let go, you push, you push until you get to where you want. And tell me, where is your real house?"

"It's an RDP house, about two taxis from here. We can leave now to see it if you want."

"Yes I do. Go tell the kids to pack up, we are going to spend Christmas at my daughter's house."

As we are in the taxi, my mom holds my hand and squeezes it tight.

"How did you feel when you finally got this house after so many years of suffering?"

"Happy. It was my first and greatest accomplishment."

I had already given up. I had already let go of the dwindling ray of hope that flickered inside of me, that I might be happy someday.

Once I got that house, I felt like the heavens had given me another chance to live my life right. My heart soared, mending itself. Waves of happiness and relief washed over me and I felt it soak right into my bones.

It was it, the start of my breakthrough. But I just had to go and ruin it by lying all over again. But perhaps I can switch it all over again.

"And that is what's important. The happiness you get from the little things you do, it will drive you to the greatest point of your life. It will seem hopeless along the way and you might feel defeated, but the jouney doesn't end there. Continue to push."

"Thanks mom, I needed that, honestly. I am so sorry I lied to you. And Lesedi, I am sorry for acting the way I did. And I'm sorry kids for teaching you the wrong way to life, remember, telling the truth is very important." They both nod and I tell the taxi driver where to stop.

We get off and mom looks happy to see my house.

"I thought parents want good and great things for their kids." I say.

"Parents just want to see their kids happy. Even if it's from the smallest achievements. I am proud of you for the strength it took to get over what you went through, I am proud of you for getting through your tunnel and for raising these two. I know it wasn't easy but you got this far alone and that, that is great."

"Thanks mom." I kiss her cheek.

I open the gate, then the house and we go in. We talk about sleeping arrangements.

"I do not have a bed ma."

"It's fine, we'll make a plan."

Greatest mother in the whole wide world, I wish I was that kind of mother. Am I?