Good Girls #1: Finding Rhyme

Kabanata 34

Kabanata 34

Failed

Tinupad niya ang pangako na muli akong hihintayin at isasabay sa kaniya pagkatapos ng kanilang group project. Dahil Biyernes ng umaga, siya agad ang bumungad pagkalabas ko.

It's been three days since that interaction with him. We continued texting each other, pero alam kong nararamdaman niyang may kakaiba sa tungo ko sa kaniya. And no matter how I hard I try to get away from my own feelings, I can't control my emotions anymore.

I don't want to remain jealous, in fact, I don't like this feeling. Dahil bukod sa wala akong karapatan, alam kong malaki ang ibabago nito sa pagkatao ko. Never in my life had I imagined myself changing because of this unnamed feeling I have for Eros. Is that it? Nababago tayo ng tao? Or it is the circumstances that change us? Maybe both? Dahil kung hindi, bakit ako ganito ngayon.

Ngumiti ako sa kaniya nang nakabawi ako sa pagkakagulat sa kaniyang presensiya. Lumapit ako at binati siya.

"Good morning. Hindi mo nasabing dadaan ka dito." I tried to make my voice sound bubbly, kahit na ang totoo, ilang araw na itong nagloloko.

Hindi siya umimik at tinitigan lang ako ng mariin. Gusto kong makipagpaligpasahan sa kaniya, I want to stare back at him and prove that this all just nothing, but who I am kidding.

Umiwas ako ng tingin. I saw the leaves fall and the grasses swayed along with the morning wind.

"I told you that our project was already done." Malamig niyang sagot, ramdam ko ang titig niya sa akin.

And my very traitor heart started beating so loudly, not for happiness but for pain. Gusto kong magtanong. I want an answer from him. I want him to clear it with me, but at the end of the day, it will only haunt me, anong karapatan ko.

I am very jealous but this feeling will only get me nowhere. Dahil kahit saang banda tignan, the blame will be only put on me. I didn't accept him when he confessed because I am scared, and now that it seems he found someone new, I can't do anything but to suppress this feeling within me.

Hindi niya ako obligasyon. At mas lalong wala akong karapatan. If he's feeling bad for being a irresponsible friend to me, maybe I need to clear it with him now?

Pero sa tuwing naiisip kong linawin sa kaniya na hindi na dapat ganito, natatakot akong may magbago. I am very torn between him being happy with what he wants, and letting him stay still with me despites.

"Ganoon ba? O, kumusta naman? Naipasa ninyo na?"

Nababalisa akong naghanap ng mapagaabalahang titigan but his eyes found mine. He sternly opened the shot gun's car. Iminuwestra niya sa akin ang loob at kahit pakiramdam ko ay mali, wala akong nagawa dahil sa malamig niyang titig sa akin kanina pa.

Inayos ko ang pagkakasuot sa akin ng seatbelts at nang natanaw na umikot na siya ay huminga ako ng malalim. He entered cooly inside and started the engine. The car roared to life and I can't make myself start a conversation.

There's a hollow in my throat that makes it hard for me to speak. And I know that if I will, it will only sound horrible. Na ayaw 'kong marinig niya.

Pinaglaruan ko ang mga daliri kong nakapatong sa aking kandungan at tinitigan iyon. I want to enjoy the view we are passing by kagaya ng madalas kong ginagawa kapag nakasakay ako sa kaniyang sasakyan, but even these beauties can't overpower this emotions I am holding.

"You slept early last night?" Tanong niya nang hindi tumitingin sa akin.

Umawang ang labi ko para magsalita pero tanging tango na lang ang naisagot ko sa kaniya. Mabilis siyang sumulyap sa akin bago muling ibinalik ang tingin sa daan.