In Deep (rewriting?? )

37

I dreamt of a figure last night. The figure was male but had no face. There was nothing to tell them apart from any other male, but for some reason, I was drawn to this figure. I wanted to see this figure's face, but no matter how close I got, I could still see nothing. Just a shadow. I woke up with the feeling of loneliness, and the cold of my room was seeping through my blankets.

I curled myself into a ball, wondering where this feeling was coming from. My loving family was in the house, so technically I was not alone. Yet, this feeling of anxiety set in and my body felt so cold as I made my way out of bed to get a glass of water. The clock on my bed table read 4 am, meaning it was way too early to get up. As I sipped my water, I made my way back into my room. Why was I feeling like this? I was by no means lonely. Then, all I could think about now was what the boy I have been talking to for a week looks like.

I wanted to know so badly what his hair colour was, and what his eyes looked like. Did he have a defined jaw? How tall was he? I lay in my bed making up different appearances for this boy. My fantasy all went off the one thing I knew about him: his voice. In one of my scenarios, he was a 40-year-old man, and if we ever met, a camera crew would come out saying I had been cat-fished.

My mind was consumed with different appearances for the boy I had grown to like so much until I finally drifted back into sleep.

This time my sleep was thankfully dreamless. I woke up with the same thoughts that occupied my mind last night, although now it was a much more reasonable time to get up. The sun and the birds are out as I make my way downstairs. Maybe I should send him a picture? Although, I must admit there is a sort of mystery and adventure when I talk to him.

Maybe I should ask him to meet in person, so the first time we see each other would be the first time I get to see what he looks like. But what if he's a 40-year-old man? Although, I trust him, for some odd reason, and I believe him when he tells me he won't kill me and that he's my age.

However, there is always a possibility that he could be a murderer. I want to know him so bad. It's so much easier when you know the person face-to-face. Should I FaceTime him? Why was my mind so consumed with someone I have never met? Can someone become attached over mere phone conversations? This is ridiculous. Although, my realization of how ridiculous this was didn't stop the mental battle.

It consumed me as I brushed my teeth, and continued as I put my clothes on. I didn't know what to do, and not knowing what to do is a feeling I do not like. The stress was eating me alive. I decided that I needed a coffee. Coffee always made me feel better, so I walked to the cafe quickly and was determined to get my iced coffee in my hand, ASAP.

Although, my day started its downward spiral when I tripped on the sidewalk, fell, and then scraped my knee. The downward spiral continued when that scrape immediately started to bleed. But like a psycho on a mission, I decided I could not go back home and I needed that coffee NOW.

As I pulled open the door to the cafe, my day hit rock bottom when I saw Jason standing there with all his friends. I immediately went to turn around and leave, but I realized that running would do me no good. We live in the same small town and go to the same school.

So I picked my heart up off the floor and walked with confidence over to the cashier. After placing my order I waited, looking anywhere except him. I don't care, is what I was repeating to myself the whole time. Of course, I may not care, but he apparently still did. I felt him before I saw him.

"Sara," he said, sounding almost like a question. "I-,"

I turned to him, "Don't say you're sorry Jason. It's fine I have forgiven you" I told him, I have mostly forgiven him, that much is true. They say the best way to help yourself is to forgive, so that's what I am doing.

"You-you have?" he says with wide eyes. I knew he was expecting me to storm out of here and make a big scene. His friends would have a field day if I did. I could feel all their eyes on us, and I knew they were listening to every word. If I stormed out I would be the bitch, the girl who created the scene, and I do not want to give them that satisfaction.

"Yes Jason," I say matter-of-factly.

"So-so you aren't mad at me?"

"No Jason, I'm upset and hurt, but I'm not going to punch you," I tell him turning my back to him once more.

"So can I take you out on an apology date?" he questions rather boldly, and I quickly spun around again.

"No Jason, we are over and done. I have forgiven you, yes, but that does not mean I'm going to run back to you. You really hurt me, but you know what? I'm glad you did. We dated for not even two weeks. I'm happy you showed me your true colours before I really got to commit." I hear my coffee being called so I grab it from the barista before finishing, "Thank you, Jason, for showing me you were a dick so soon." With that, I walked out of the cafe, patting myself on the back and leaving the boys to pick their jaws up off the floor.

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Hey guys, I'm sorry, I'm so bad at being active. Through this quarantine, I've actually been really stressed. Just in school and money. I'm in grade 12 so I don't even know if I'm graduating at this point. Through this stress, I've really lost all motivation for everything. School, writing, everything. My prom just got canceled and I'm super sad :(  I'm going try to be more active through, really sorry, love you all. Hope you are staying safe (don't forget to go outside and take a walk)