𝒢ℯ𝓉 ℳℯ 𝒪𝓊𝓉

𝟸𝟻.

Jason's POV
"Do you have the notebook?" The male psychologist asks me and I bring out the notebook that sat on my lap and I hand it over. "I've been writing poetry recently," I tell him and he flips through some pages seeing the poetry. "I see... how's that working?" He asks me and I tell him it was going well.

"I like the writing. I think it's better for me to write than spur my anger out on others and myself. It's definitely an outlet for my issues. I'm writing about a lot of things that I forgot I even had issues with," I admit to him and he quickly reads a few of the poems in the notebook.

"I think you might have found your outlet then," he says and I nod my head. "I think I want to also get into drawing. Never really been good at it, but I think it could work too," I suggest and he nods his head in agreement. "Definitely, whatever you think could help you, go for it Jason," he says.

"Have you been having any nightmares again?" He asks me and a chill ran through my spine. I nod my head yes. "About?" He asks me and I tell him about the day I tried to kill myself in the asylum. "I just remember hearing a woman screaming my name, it kept playing in my head last night," I say and I knew it was Ana's voice.

"They pushed her out of the room and they took me to the hospital," I say recalling the dream and the memory as well. "Have you been having suicidal thoughts?" He asks me and I shake my head no. "No, not recently. But I have been feeling regret," I say. "About?" He asks me and I hesitate.

"I led a woman on, who is now married and has kids, a few years ago, making her fall in love with me, and I kinda just used her for my own advantage to feel sane. A part of me did love her, but I made her life turn into shit because I couldn't handle the betrayal of her choosing someone other than me," I say and a huge amount of weight fell on my shoulders as I felt very bad now that I said it out loud.

"When I tried to kill myself in the asylum, the last thing I saw and heard, was her. And from then on, I tried to become a better person. I fucked up her life, and she still cared for me. It just showed me that I needed to move on. I needed to make myself happy, because it was killing me on the inside that she didn't love me anymore in the same sense that I wanted her to. And I wanted to kill myself for that," I say and the psychologist writes it down on his clipboard with a bunch of blank pages.

"How is that going?" He asks me and I shrug my shoulders. "It was going good for a few years, and then we just have our downfalls. I didn't remember her all too well as I did lose some memory. But we actually recently found one another. She has been trying to help me, and has been teaching me how to make myself happy," I say and he nods his head.

"I did actually apologize to her for everything. And it felt amazing doing so. I think it's the first step in this new chapter of my life to becoming a better me," I add on and he smiles at me. "I like the sound of that. Taking steps for yourself, that's good. That's very mature of you," he says and I nod my head.

"Now our last meeting, you did mention anxiety. Did you get an anxiety attack from this dream?" He asks me and I shake my head. "It did make me feel like crap," I say and we laugh. "But anxious, not so much. But I have been dealing with anxiety recently. Just anxiety from worrying about fucking up I guess," I shrug my shoulders.

"Well, making mistakes is how we live and learn Jason," he tells me and I sigh. "Yeah... but if I make a mistake, it's something like killing someone. I don't want to kill people anymore. You know?" I say and he nods his head. "Yeah, it's your greatest worry at this moment you'd say?" He asks me and I respond, "yes, exactly" and he writes it down.

"It just sucks that I also have anger issues, I don't know how to control them. I'm working on it, but I'm just scared to have a set back," I say as I begin bouncing my right leg. "So when you have anger, your first response is violence?" He asks me and I tell him, "correct."