Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2)

February 9

February 9

Woke up feeling very rested this morning. I always love the West Coast time change. It forces me to operate like a normal person on a decent schedule, allowing me to temporarily kick my nocturnal sleep habits.

After I worked on a new cover letter and applied to yet another event coordinator job, this time with my former colleagues at the Toronto Film Group, Mom and I hit the gym together. High on endorphins, we returned to the hotel room, washed up, and then went over to California Adventure for a day in the parks. This whole Disneyland leg of our trip only happened because a friend who works for the Mouse gifted us with some free tickets that were about to expire. Always remember the first rule of money: never spend your own!

The two of us had a nice "birthday" lunch at Carthay Circle Restaurant – a.k.a., free dessert – and then hit up a random assortment of rides throughout the afternoon. A lot of stuff was closed for repair, so it wasn't long before we returned to the hotel pool for some time in the sun.

After getting our dose of Vitamin D, we walked over to Disneyland Park for dinner, rides, and shops before we went back to California Adventure and watched World of Color. Overall, it was a really nice day with Mom. I know I may have had some impatient moments, but, for the most part, I think I kept my Hulk-sized temper in check. I was good! Phew.

Exchanged a few messages with Logan here and there today. I miss him a lot. The more I think about him, the more I like him. At this point, it's somewhat of – I don't really like this phrase – a waiting game. I want to be with him and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen. As I typically do while traveling, I re-downloaded Grindr and Tinder. I'm not really sure why, though. In fact, I found myself wanting nothing to do with either of them after setting up new profiles. Hello! I've already found my man! One thing that I thought was really sweet of Logan was the other day when he said that me leaving was a hard transition for him. My only hope is that with each visit, we will get to know each other better, build a stronger connection, and move forward. I want to see Logan every month.

Walked back to the hotel with Mom, got ready for bed, and fell asleep right away. I had a weird, inspiring moment today on The Little Mermaid ride. Since I was a kid, that movie has been such an integral part of my life in so many ways. Even now, with this Logan thing, the film remains a strong presence. It's the perfect representation of that unshakeable desire to be with someone that is out of reach, and the idea that you would do anything possible to be with them.

"What would I give

To live where you are?

What would I pay

To stay here beside you?

What would I do to see you

Smiling at me?

Where would we walk?

Where would we run?

If we could stay all day in the sun?

Just you and me

And I could be

Part of your world

I don't know when

I don't know how

But I know something's starting right now

Watch and you'll see

Someday I'll be

Part of your world"

— The Little Mermaid, "Part of Your World (Reprise)"

Goodnight xo