Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2)

March 19

March 19

Well, last night was definitely unexpected.

Going to karaoke with the Toronto Film Group crew was a lot of fun. I mean, aside from living for karaoke itself, it was nice to go out, release a lot of my pent-up energy, and be social with friends after such a hectic week. However, that being said, it also wasn't the most responsible thing to do, given the amount of work I had on my plate today. I probably would have been a lot more productive without a hangover.

Instead of hitting the gym like I wanted to this morning, I ended up sleeping in way too late. By the time I had half-finished cleaning my apartment and doing dishes after avoiding it all week, Phillip was texting me about our planned music session. Soon after, he came over with all of his DJ equipment and we worked on the MOMENTS playlist for about three hours. Our session together went so much better than I had anticipated.

Nothing so far has made me more excited about this MOMENTS party than the music Phillip and I worked on today. Not only that, but I was genuinely floored by Phillip's level of DJ skill. I was very impressed. I'm so proud of my little brother. This party is going to be amazing!

Phillip and I sequenced 51 songs this afternoon, which was about half of the playlist I had created. One more meeting this coming week, and we should be golden. Phillip left the Witch Cave around 3:30 p.m., and I instantly passed out on the couch for an hour. I had such a headache during the music session, but obviously I had to man up and deal with it. If you want to be a big boy at night, you've got to be a big boy in the morning. Really good stuff today, though. I'm very happy.

Once I woke up from my nap, I continued cleaning my apartment. I did a full vacuum and then finally packed a bag and walked over to the gym pretty late, around 7 p.m. Connor called me while I was in the middle of my run, so I screened it. I texted him back afterwards to see what was up, and he wanted to do something tonight. I was down to hang out, so I suggested margaritas at the Witch Cave, followed by tacos at La Carnita. Olé.

Well, it turned out that La Carnita was going to close at 11 p.m., so that plan was scrapped pretty quickly. At the request of Craig Martin – and with the promise of free drinks – we actually ended up going to eat at the restaurant he works at, The Diner. I wasn't about to say no to free alcohol.

Our plans changed once again, this time to include Evan. Dan didn't end up coming with us. The result of Dan's absence was Connor and Evan talking about him throughout dinner. This is what I don't like. It makes me nervous. That type of talk causes me to wonder what might be said about me when I'm not in the room.

Listen. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I didn't contribute to tonight's conversation. I did. Whether or not we want to admit it, we all gossip on some level. However, there's a fine line between talking about a friend's recent doings, and shit talking them. I'm not saying that what Connor and Evan said about Dan wasn't valid, but a lot of it felt gratuitous. When it got to that point, I tried not to get involved. I do feel for Connor especially, though. Dan really does seem to pick on him specifically at times, and he doesn't deserve it.

Anyway, Craig came through on his promise and ended up giving the three of us a ton of drinks throughout the night. We also ordered a lot food as we sat, talked, got silly, and had a great time together. It was really nice! The craziest part, however, came at the end of the meal when Craig comped our entire bill. I didn't know it at the time, but Craig is the General Manager at The Diner. Even still, that was crazy. Our bill must have been over $200, not including the drinks.

I got quite a different sense of character from Craig tonight. Obviously, I've known Craig for many years and have had numerous encounters with him – both good and bad – but I saw him in a very different light this evening. Perhaps for the first time. Most, if not all, of my experiences with Craig have been at pre-drinks or bars where a lot of alcohol has been involved, so it was interesting to see him in a more professional setting while he was working. It makes me wonder what people think about me when they only see me under certain circumstances – i.e., drunk. Why do I care so much about what people think of me? Or what they say about me? Who cares, really?

Connor, Evan, and I live about a five-minute walk from one another, so we shared an Uber back to the Village. I crawled into bed as soon as I got home.

I never heard from Logan today. I just don't get. I'll switch from feeling heartbreakingly sad and upset about him, to feeling incredibly angry. How do I feel right now? I want to scream at him. I want to yell in Logan's face at the top of my lungs and tell him that I don't deserve to be treated this way. But, I don't even get the opportunity to do that. Logan won't talk to me.

Goodnight xo