Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2)

April 8

April 8

Friday. Another week has slipped through my fingers.

I felt better when I woke up. Most of my morning was spent working on job applications and/or making food.

What's bothering me about the job hunt is that nobody is getting back to me. There is absolutely zero follow-up on anything – applications, submissions, interviews, etc. Now I have employers ghosting on me, too? The process of finding a job is an incredibly difficult balance between being determined, and being annoying. Listen. I'm a big boy. I can take no for an answer. However, you have to actually give me an answer in order for me to take it.

It has now been over two weeks of waiting with Snapchat. After countless emails, phone calls, and voicemails, I still can't get a response from anyone. How is that okay? We went as far as a second interview! It seemed so promising. The Clubhouse is the same deal. I haven't heard anything from them in almost a month. Fuck! It's annoying. Each week, I think that so much is going to happen for me, and then Friday arrives and I still haven't made any sort of progression.

Oh, and on top of that, I found out that Erika, my old boss at The Toronto Film Group, hired someone for the position I applied for under her. What the literal fuck? That has to be some personal vendetta shit. I was more than qualified for that role. Whatever.

Although, it's not whatever. The same thing happened with Ameena at The Toronto Film Group. I felt like she really had my back for a while. I'm sure Ameena would help if I reached out again, but shouldn't someone of her status have more pull? I'm not looking for a handout. I don't want to be that person, which is maybe why I'm not as shamelessly forward as I should be. But, if you have a positive work history with an executive, you'd hope that might push your resume to the top of the pile, no? Ugh.

I've moved on to Anderson Evans. Us gays need to stick together. I feel like after that karaoke night last month, Anderson is going to be the one to help bring me back to The Toronto Film Group. What's the issue with them anyway? Employees are dropping like flies every other week over there. Yet, they won't take on someone who actively wants to come back and pursue a career with them? I don't get it.

I was very domestic today. After disinfecting my apartment, baking marinated chicken for lunch, and watching The Nanny, I skipped to the gym in a fairly good mood. I even made a fun little Instagram video to celebrate Friday.

I worked it out in the gym today. I really went for it, then slipped into the sauna and relaxed for a while. I was on a bit of an endorphin high after my run, but while lying down on the sauna bench, I began to feel low again. There wasn't even anything in particular that brought it on. Just that indescribable feeling of sadness that sort of washes over me when I'm alone with my thoughts. I was in my head a lot today.

Dan, Connor, and Evan were going to Fly tonight. They asked me if I wanted to go, but I declined the invite. I don't have money to go out and do things like that. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I have money. Obviously. Not much, but I'm managing. I'm just weary to spend my cash on certain things, and Fly nightclub is at the top of that list. Why? Firstly, I had no idea who the special guest drag queen was. Secondly – and mostly – I didn't want to spend $25 in cover charges to go to a crowded, anxiety-inducing rave. I can do that in my own head for free, thank you very much. The last time I went to Fly was with Katya in 2012. We both did really bad MDMA and Katya threw up in a McDonald's bathroom. I don't need a round two.

Having sealed my Friday night's fate, I walked home from the gym. Well, more like sulked home from the gym. I completely dragged my ass the entire way. At one point, very close to my apartment, I just zoned out. I was moving forward, but looking at nothing. Arms crossed, and quite literally on the verge of tears. I must have looked like a complete lunatic.

The closer I got to my apartment, the more I knew that I wanted to go up to Casa Z for the night. I had to be there for my shift at The Store tomorrow anyway, so I packed an overnight bag. Fortunately, Mom and Dad were at the Toronto Raptors game tonight, so they took me home with them.

My mood pretty much remained the same for the rest of the evening. In fact, I secretly took my medication in the car on the drive home. My parents still don't know I have an anti-anxiety prescription. At this point, taking a Xanax is almost a daily occurrence, typically in the evenings before bed.

When we got to Casa Z, I went straight to my room after stuffing my face with a box of Cadbury Fingers. I smoked a bowl and fooled around on my laptop for a while. Naturally, Bryan called me while all of that was happening. I was so fucked up, but I still talked to him. I just pretended like I was really tired. I'm sure he knew I wasn't in the greatest of moods – it wasn't exactly a riveting phone call.

Bryan and I said goodnight. We hung up, I took my medication again, and listened to "Cry." by Mariah. It was a mess. I was crying more than I can remember in recent times. Here's the weird thing, though. Usually, during a musical waterworks moment like that, the crying stops when the song does. Except, when I got out of bed to fix myself up in the bathroom tonight, the weeping continued. I sat on my floor and sobbed. Full snot.

I'm still so unhappy. I don't understand why. Why can't I seem to get things back on track? Why are things not getting better? Why do I keep getting dumped on right and left?

Something I brought up to Moira Nightingale during our session together was that I feel extremely unappreciated in so many areas of my life. Moira Nightingale said that I can't worry about something like that. I shouldn't seek the approval of others to make me happy. My happiness has to come from within myself. I'm trying. I really am. And some days are so good. Today was just such a downer for me, though. I didn't handle it well.

I made an Instagram video to purge some emotions. Now, I'm passing out.

"I guess it's selfish of me to just expect that

I'm entitled to have you

But tonight all I wanna do is just hold you 'til we

We both break down and

Cry."

— Mariah Carey, "Cry."

Goodnight xo