Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2)

April 22

 April 22

Going to bed at 2 a.m. and waking up before 6 a.m. should be illegal.

It took everything in me to rise from the dead this morning. I didn't even shower. That's how desperate I was for sleep. Fortunately, the extra-large coffee, cinnamon raisin bagel, and rainbow sprinkle donut that I got at Tim Horton's before work perked me right up.

I processed a shipment at The Store from 7 a.m. to 12 p.m. I'm actually not hating it these days. My last few shifts haven't been too bad, and the work is relatively painless when I don't have to be on the sales floor.

I'm beginning to think that the shoes I wear at work might be contributing to my cracked foot problem. Halfway through my shift today, I could barely walk. It was bad. And the pain lasted all day. I'm now forced to either limp – it's my right foot – or walk on the side of my foot. Needless to say, I had to take yet another day off from running, which contributed to a lack of endorphins and an overall gloomy mood today.

I finished at The Store, then drove back to Casa Z. After making some guacamole and gorging on that for a while, I tried on all of the Zara items that had arrived in the mail while I was at work. I placed a big online order the other day. And, yes. I still use that damn employee discount card, which I stole from Nate Presley. Remember? The asshole who ghosted on me last year after four months of dating? Yep, that's the one. I consider the discount retributions for reckless abandonment. Thanks, Nate!

After a long nap, I worked out in the basement for a while – sans run – and took my sweet ass time while draining my phone's battery. I swear, half of my time in the gym is spent on my phone.

While "exercising" on my yoga mat, I made plans to hang out with Preston Mackenzie after he finished work tonight. Perfect. I showered, packed up my stuff, and drove downtown around 7:30 p.m. Oh, and there was a stop at the grocery store along the way for a sour candy sugar fix.

Once downtown, I hobbled from the parking garage to the Witch Cave. I actually ended up spending the rest of my night here. Pretty early on, I had figured that Preston wasn't going to get back to me about hanging out. Preston's a server, so sometimes he works later than expected and bails on our plans as a result. I also had zero interest in being social with anyone else tonight. The weather was very damp and gloomy today, so I'm sure that contributed to my negative outlook, too.

Bryan messaged me while I was at my apartment tonight. He said that he was walking home through the Village, and asked if he could stop by my place on the way. I lied, and told him that I wasn't home. Even after that, when Bryan invited me over to his place, I lied again and said that I had plans. I also told Bryan that I wasn't in the greatest of moods, which was actually true. I felt bad. I hate this. And I'm sure Bryan knows that I'm not feeling the relationship as much as he is.

I messaged RX today. Just to check in. He had tagged me in a chicken nugget-related Instagram post, and I texted him about it later in the day. I don't know why. I guess I just like keeping our connection alive.

As much as it pains me to think about our situation and everything we've been through, I never want RX out of my life. I still love him. I always will. I was thinking about him today, actually. Well, duh. But, seriously – RX means so much to me. He was such a big part of my life. I don't ever want to cut him out.

Perhaps this change of heart with RX is a bit of my maturity coming through. However, I think it's also me experiencing what Logan has put me through, and never wanting to do that to someone else. Fine. Don't go after the romantic stuff with me. But, did Logan have to do a complete shutdown? He never acknowledged that (butt-dial) phone call, by the way. What if I was in trouble? What if I needed help? Logan never even followed up to see if the call was about something important. I'm nothing to him.

What also makes me sad is that I see similarities in my behavior towards Bryan. I don't want to be Bryan's Logan. I think it's clear when a relationship is unbalanced, and I completely shot Bryan down tonight. He had even mentioned that he was in a low mood too, and that seeing me might help him turn it around. And I still said no. I know it was an asshole move. I would have been fucking miserable, though. I'm not in the mood to put on a happy face right now. I don't want to pretend that everything is okay. I'm glad I stayed in tonight.

I don't know what's going on with me lately. Or why I felt the need to buy a 1.5L bottle of wine on my way home. Or why I dug out a coffee grind covered baggie of weed from my garbage bin, which Dan purposely left behind on 420. I had thrown the thing out when I woke up yesterday, because I didn't want to touch weed again. Obviously, that didn't last long. I also felt a slight anxiety attack coming over me as I was sitting on the couch tonight. Fortunately, "The Feeling" didn't develop any further. Thank God. Things are just a mess right now.

As usual, I texted with Greg from New York City a lot today. Actually, we even talked on the phone last night as I was driving to Casa Z. How retro! Greg and I talk about everything. We even talked about drinking today, and I admitted that I can get to a really bad place sometimes. Greg asked me why. I said I didn't know.

At first, I thought I was just saying, "I don't know," because I didn't want to get into the specifics. But – I actually don't know. I'm not sure if my binge drinking is due to a lack of control, or if it's a result of my depression. That being said, even though things are rough right now, my drinking has been much worse than this. Yeah, I've had a couple of bad days this week. But, compared to what it used to be, I would say that my drinking has actually improved. Of course, there's still a very long way to go.

God, there are so many thoughts running through my head right now. If my foot continues to misbehave tomorrow, I'm going to take my journal and spend the day in the park writing and listening to music. By myself.

I feel bad about Bryan. I feel bad, but also extremely conflicted. I don't even know if I want to end things with him. To be honest, I would be happy if Bryan dumped me.

I miss Logan. That's a given. I either want to punch a hole through a wall when I think about him, or crawl into a dark corner and let out every tear inside of me.

Is RX back in the picture?

What's going on with my career? (*Cher voice*)

My social life?

My friends?

My interests?

Where I live?

I need a change. I need a goddamn change so bad, and I feel like I'm nearing a point where I'm going to do something drastic. Maybe I should call Katya.

Goodnight xo