Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2)

March 26

March 26

Today was the day! Ah! Given the time I went to bed last night, I didn't get much sleep. Nonetheless, I still had so much energy all day because of MOMENTS.

From the minute I woke up, I had a lot of people texting me, asking for various details about the event. Mostly friends, although I received a message from Logan as well. He wished me luck with everything, and said how proud he was of me. I was somewhat short with him again. I appreciated the message, but being nice this one time didn't excuse his actions from the past two months. I'm still really hurt.

I worked a lot at the Witch Cave this morning, wrapping up some last-minute MOMENTS items. When I felt like I had a good handle on things, I took the car out for a few errands and then went to the gym.

I was in the greatest mood ever today. Absolutely over the moon excited, with countless friends relaying all of the positive things they'd heard about the party. Everyone kept telling me how amazing it was going to be, how busy the space would be, etc. I was literally so excited that I was on the verge of an anxiety attack from being too excited. MOMENTS was more important to me than Christmas, Halloween, and my birthday combined. That's how excited I was.

After the gym, I went home and raced to get things ready. I took an Uber to pick up Phillip and his DJ equipment at his place, and then we continued to the Gladstone together. The sound technician was an hour late, so I bought Phillip some dinner at the hotel and he helped me put up as many decorations as we could during that time. I had my Mariah cutout, posters, photos, and even some "candy bling" – it looked great. Dan, Connor, and Evan arrived around the same time as the technician, and we finished up the décor together while Phillip tested out the sound system. Oh, and the video/projection stuff worked perfectly. Things were a little rushed at times but, in the end, everything looked amazing. Come 10 p.m., I was ready. Showtime.

Well, the first people to walk through the door at 10 p.m. were my parents. That stressed me out more than anything. I had said it was fine for them to stop by, but imagine my embarrassment when they were the only fucking people at my party.

By 11 p.m., there were still hardly any bodies in what was a very large event space. A few more people had arrived by 11:30 p.m. However, at 12 a.m., the space wasn't even at half the capacity I wanted. I was mortified. The lack of numbers was eating away at me. Not to mention, there were a variety of other issues throughout the night that had me running through the hotel like a fucking maniac.

What made everything infinitely worse was Mason standing in the corner, wearing nothing but a face of complete disappointment as he kept checking the time on his phone. I kept seeing my parents in the space, too. I was so embarrassed to have them witnessing such a train wreck. All of the pressure came crashing down on me, and I became a complete nervous wreck:

· I was constantly running around the space, trying to fix things and find people.

· I greeted the sparse crowd on the microphone, and could barely make it through a simple introduction because of my nervous stuttering.

· I couldn't find Hellacious when it was time for her performance.

· After I had finally wrangled my drag queen to do her thing, she disappeared again. Obviously, there was a major lack of communication, which then left me standing on the stage, calling out for someone who wasn't even in the room.

I looked like a fucking fool. I felt like a fucking fool, too. There were just so many things going wrong that I had never even imagined happening. It was a disaster.

At a certain point, I started drinking. Multiple flutes of champagne, and some Karen Walker-style chugging from a vodka bottle. I needed to calm the fuck down. After that, I was able to let loose a bit. Not by much, but it was still an improvement.

I socialized with most of the people who showed up, both friends and strangers. A lot of guests ended up staying until 2 a.m., dancing up a storm. In fact, Alison and Kyle came and danced for hours. That was amazing for me and infinitely appreciated, as it brought a lot of energy to the space.

Bryan eventually showed up as well. By that time, I had really let loose. Hellacious had given her final performance – she did four songs in total – and there was nothing else I could have done to get people in the space. The disastrous fate of MOMENTS had been sealed. Bryan and I made out in a corner near the bar, and I actually let people observe it. That's how I knew I had finally relaxed. None of my friends even knew about Bryan.

By 2:30 a.m., just about everyone had left. I began to pack up, counting the night's ticket sales in the process. The deal with the party was that the Gladstone got to keep the drink sales, and I got to keep the ticket/cover sales. I counted around $1,600 total, but that included a $500 float. Considering my large financial investment in the night, I likely broke even.

I got in a cab and returned to the Witch Cave around 4 a.m. After unpacking a few things, Bryan ended up coming over to spend the night, which was nice. However, I still felt like I needed to take the edge off. I did a shot of tequila in the kitchen when he wasn't looking. Bryan and I just talked about random things before bed. Pillow talk. We each slept in our underwear.

It was a good night, I guess. I don't know. I have mixed feelings on the whole thing. The biggest disappointment was the numbers. I wanted more people to come. I don't feel – great about it. And I wanted to feel great about it. This was so important to me. I feel like a bit of a failure, actually. As if the whole night ended up being nothing but a giant, glaring spotlight on Kurt's Amateur Hour.

Goodnight xo