Hi, I'm Kurt. A binge-drinking, pill-popping disco diva with a heart of platinum and an appetite for self-destruction.
Welcome to Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2).
Adapted from a collection of nightly...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
May 1
Every time I type out a new month, it makes me physically ill. Partly because I can't believe time is passing by so quickly, but, mostly, because I don't feel as though I have made any sort of progression this year. I'm still at this damn standstill. Despite my continued efforts to move forward in my life, nothing seems to be happening. I guess the only thing to do is to continue trying. What else can I do, really?
Last night marked one week since I last smoked weed. That's something I'm actually quite proud of. My eating habits haven't exactly calmed down, but they're getting there. Next up is alcohol.
When I went to the Hassle Free Clinic last week, the doctor and I talked about me having symptoms of anything. Otherwise known as, "Why are you here?" Although the visit was mostly precautionary, there was something I wanted to mention. To be honest, sometimes I notice a weird substance on the rim of my toilet bowl after I flush down my morning pee. It looks like semen, but considering I ejaculate into my hand and rinse it off in the sink, I know it's not that. Also, I like to rub one out before bed. Any remaining jizz that might come out during a pee would have been long gone by the next morning, right?
The doctor at the Hassle Free said the goop was likely nothing. However, as a precaution, he sent me home with some antibiotics. Honestly, God bless the Hassle Free Clinic. The doctor gave me a week's worth of medication for free, and I don't even have to take them if I don't want to. I'd like to be on the safe side, though. I also figured that a stint on antibiotics might help jumpstart my abstinence from drinking. So, why not?
Anyway, that's how my day started. I swallowed my first pill, just after I had recovered from my hangover. I'm at a point now where I really don't want to drink. I think the trick in sustaining that mentality is to remember the "morning after" feeling. Otherwise, it's the same vicious cycle. Nighttime will roll around, I'll have recovered, forgotten all about my shitty morning, and want to reach for the bottle again.
Bryan messaged me early this morning. He was getting back from British Columbia around 4 p.m. today, and wanted to see if I was available to hang out at night. I was in no mood to put on a happy face. I scrambled for an excuse. I ended up going with, "Naomi is in town, and I told her we would hang out."
Bryan took the bait. I was off the hook. That being said, I really do need to end things with Bryan. If not for the human decency of no longer wasting someone's time, then simply because I want to stop lying to him. This always happens with guys. I start making up elaborate excuses as to why I can't hang out, instead of just being honest about how I feel. What am I supposed to say, though? Just a flat out, "No?"
On the other hand, Bryan is also away a lot. When I take that into consideration, I become apprehensive to end things. I always want to see how things will be when Bryan gets back from his travels, even though I know I'm probably not going to change my mind.
After lying to Bryan, I continued on with my day. I took one step outside into the gloomy weather and realized the city was actually a Maid of the Mist boat tour. I was going to get soaked. Oh, well. I figured the rain would let up a bit. Or, at the very least, add to my moody Sunday vibe as I walked around the city, listening to my "R&B Ladies" playlist.
