Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2)

March 5

March 5

After I wrote my journal entry last night, I sat up in bed and began to panic. I was scared of something. Scared of nothing. It was a completely irrational fear, the cause of which I am still unsure of. I reached for my Xanax, which I now refer to as "Panic Pills," and swallowed one. Not even two minutes later, I took another. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was lying in bed and not being able to lift my head off my pillow. The Panic Pills fucking knocked me off my ass. I was out for the night.

I slept in for a ridiculous amount of time, likely due to my medication. However, when I woke up, the Witch Cave was filled with sunshine. It was amazing. Everything was so bright. I feel much better at my apartment now. More at ease. It's a horrible experience to feel trapped in your own home.

After rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I grabbed my phone and noticed two messages:

Logan: "Hope your weekend is going well. Berlin is amazing :)"

Logan: "Thinking of you"

I almost fell out of bed. You're "thinking" of me? Are you fucking kidding me? This is exactly what's been screwing with my head. Why would Logan send me a message like that? The last text I sent to him was, "I miss you," and he completely ignored it. Now you're sending me this shit? I never responded. It hurts that Logan never acknowledged my other messages. I feel like I need to prove a point here, but I also don't know if I'm being ridiculous.

Anyway, I relaxed around my apartment for most of the day. I walked to the gym in the afternoon, did my thing, and then returned to the Witch Cave and started getting ready for a night out with Dan. We met up on the corner outside of my apartment and then made the long transit trek out to the West End where we went to Cody's condo. I've only hung out with Cody a few times, but he's really nice. I still find it so weird that Dan and Cody used to date in high school, though. On the other hand, I suppose it's also somewhat encouraging to know that there can be happy break-up endings.

Dan and I went to Cody's place because he was hosting a pre-drink for some of their hometown girlfriends. I had never met any of the girls before, but it was instantly clear who was going to be the star of the night: Miss Tammie.

This girl was fucking nuts. Ridiculous! Loud, energetic, outrageous, and I loved every goddamn minute of her antics. Why? Because whenever I meet a hot mess like Tammie, they make me appear so classy by comparison. Fuckin' Tammie. God love you, girl. I'm also still unsure as to how I should feel about the fact that Tammie instantly latched onto me as though I was her long lost best friend. Am I my very own Miss Tammie? Miss Kurty? Yikes.

After a sizable amount of alcohol had been consumed, the group split in two and took separate Ubers to the University of Toronto campus. Even after spending five years there for my undergrad, I don't think I ever went to an event on that campus. Nonetheless, the crew had gotten word about a crazy party that was happening at one of the frat houses, and we wanted to check it out. I'm so glad we did.

As we walked towards the back door of the spooky looking mansion, you could feel the music vibrating from 50-feet away. We paid our cover, the bouncer opened the door, and we descended into college chaos. The place was a fucking rager. This frat party was the kind of house party you've always wanted to go to, but would never want to host. It almost felt like a stereotype. Everything looked like it was a scene from a movie. The entire house was trashed. Nothing but hundreds of young people, partying and doing drugs in every corner of this old, three-story house. It was also so loud inside that you couldn't hear yourself think. It was crazy. And so much fun!

Cody's pre-drink booze had set in a bit too heavily, causing him to leave with the girls fairly early, but Dan and I stayed a little while longer. When we realized it was a BYOB party and the keg had long since been tapped, we took a cab back to the Village and each went home to our own apartments. I binged on pita chips in bed before passing out.

I was really aware of my drinking tonight. I kept it in control. I think having Miss Tammie around helped with that, too. She sort of unknowingly acted like a drunken Magic Mirror the whole night, constantly reminding me, "Don't get as fucked up as me, Miss Kurty!" Thanks for the hot tip, Tammie. I love nights like tonight, though. It was much-needed opportunity for me to blow off some steam and forget about all of the crap surrounding me. I had a really good time pon de town. In fact, it was probably the best night I've had all year.

Goodnight xo