Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2)

March 2

March 2

Today wasn't as good as I wanted it to be.

On the job hunt side of things, there have been absolutely no advancements. It's been two months now, and nothing has happened. So, I'm still dealing with that. No word from the Montessori school, either. Although, now that we're in a new month, I'm really hoping that this is the turning point for me. I'm also not-so-secretly hoping that said turning point comes with the Toronto Film Group job over the position at the Montessori school.

I'm so tired of being constantly rejected by these companies. I have so many skills to bring to a job. All I need is for some HR hack to wake the fuck up and take notice. That being said, all of this rejection ultimately leads me to believe that there's something wrong with me.

I woke up to a text message from Logan. He reminded me that he was leaving for Europe today. I responded a couple of hours later, and that routine essentially continued throughout the day. Nothing but sporadic, short-lived questions and answers. Eventually, even though I didn't want to do it, I wished Logan a safe flight – and then told him that I missed him.

I fucking caved! I want to be that person so bad, though. I want to be the one who cares, and who continues to show affection regardless of reciprocation. I sent Logan the extra "I miss you" text 45-minutes before his flight took off. Both iMessages showed as delivered. I never received a reply to either of them. To top it all off, I noticed that Logan had taken the time to update his Snapchat story after I sent those texts, so I know he was on his phone during that time. I don't know what the Snapchats were. I refused to look at them.

I shouldn't have sent that fucking message. I feel like I just took one massive step backwards. As though yet another layer has been added to all of this rejection fuckery. I'm so tired of this.

I can feel myself getting angry. I want to yell all the time. I just want to scream. I want to punch a hole in the wall. I've become very testy lately. Anything and everything is making me extremely aggressive. I'm frustrated that people aren't appreciating me. It's not fair. I have so much to offer. I'm a good person. I'm a good guy.

I also know that I'm different, though. I'm hyperaware of that. My character has always been my downfall. For better or for worse, I've never seemed to fit in with the rest of society. I don't think people are used to experiencing my unique personality, and it often turns them off. I'm very intense. I'm very energetic and eccentric. But, it doesn't mean there aren't other sides to me. The calmer, serious, emotional sides. Why can't people see that? There's nothing I can do but continue trying, I guess.

I've reached a point where I want to change my life. Not necessarily myself, but my surroundings. My interests, my knowledge, and the people I associate with, too. Perhaps it's not so much about changing my life, as it is expanding my world. The problem is, I don't know how to do that.

I spent a lot of time working on MOMENTS event details today. I quickly became discouraged with some of the immigration stuff involved in bringing Hellacious across the border, not only as an American performer, but as an American performer with a DUI. I need this party to be the best thing that has ever happened to Toronto. I feel so much pressure. But, I also need that pressure. It's pushing me to make this event as big as it can be. MOMENTS is a lot more work than I had anticipated.

After this morning's exchange with Logan – or lack thereof – I was kind of blah for the rest of the day. I capped off my night with a long workout and a steam shower.

I want my confidence back.

After my shower, I was in bed with the lights off, stoned, and on my computer. Mom knocked on my door and insisted on coming into my room to check on me.

"I'm worried about you," she said.

Okay. Come on now. While I understand Mom's concern, this is too much. I'm going to move back downtown on Friday morning. Or maybe tomorrow night. I'll stay there for a while.

This is why I don't like giving Mom too many details about my life. She reacts too much. Mom changes how she interacts with me. Even the tone of her voice gets softer. I don't want to be coddled. I don't want to be treated as though there's something wrong with me. It's too much! Stop hovering. Mom left my room without turning off my lights. I got up, shut them off, and now I'm going to bed for real.

I found this quote on Instagram today:

"The happiest people in life have the ability to see beauty in all things.

Have the courage to always be honest.

Are givers to a fault and tend to believe in others.

Ironically, these same qualities leave them vulnerable and open to disappointments.

Despite that, they choose to take a chance because the high of living a happy life outweighs any temporary letdowns."

— Anonymous

Goodnight xo