Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2)

May 29

May 29

Woke up to my usual morning swamp ass. Those damn Spring Sweats are getting to be really fucking annoying. At least I'm making up for my lack of perspiration due to my inability to run.

My body now wakes up around 8 a.m. each day. However, I'll then stay in bed until 9:30 or 10 a.m. – and in my room until at least 11 a.m. – trolling the internet and covering my usual list of morning items. Recovering my life, after it seems to fall apart every night, only to be picked back up and fluffed the following morning.

After some writing and a few emails, I hobbled downstairs for breakfast and two hours of CNN's The Seventies series. I love those documentaries so much. Over the past month, I've actually come to enjoy reading and gaining knowledge from different books and articles. On the other hand, I'm also a very visual person. I really enjoy those CNN docuseries, and feel like I'm absorbing a lot of the information as well, which sometimes doesn't happen when you read 15 articles a day. Granted, it's not exactly "my" history, given the fact that the episodes cover American-based information. But, I still feel the history is relevant. I think it's important to have an understanding of society's past to better understand why it behaves the way it does in the present. If you forget your mistakes, you're going to repeat them.

I received a Snapchat message from a guy named Levi this morning. We've remained friends since meeting on Grindr in Munich, Germany three years ago, but have never actually met. Levi's message was clearly a trap. It was a photo of him lying on his bed in his underwear, looking at a blank TV screen.

One message led to another. Soon enough, I began egging Levi on, trying to get him to send me nude photos. Mission accomplished. I think Levi probably sent about ten R-rated Snapchats, including a grand finale video where he was breathing heavily and climaxing. It was so fucking hot.

Naturally, Levi wanted something from me in return. I don't play that game, so I gave him my standard excuse: "I can't. I'm in a car." The only problem was that I found myself getting extremely turned on by what Levi was sending me, to the point where I started getting off on his Snapchats.

One video led to another. For the first time ever, I filmed a similar clip of my lower half. Keep in mind that I've never even taken a picture of my dick, but I suppose it's very standard for me to go from 0 to 100. To be fair, it was actually a pretty good ten-second clip. I contemplated my decision for a few minutes, and then finally sent the video to Levi. I found relief – no pun intended – in knowing that my message would disappear on Snapchat after he watched it.

Sending that video to Levi felt weird. I have always said that I would never do something like that. I'm convinced that, one day, the video will come back to haunt me. But, wait. Maybe a nude photo or video won't "haunt me" the way I always thought they would. I'm still scarred for life from all of the "Revenge Porn" I've seen online, but I think a large part of me avoiding the camera like that was because I wasn't happy with myself or my body. Now, I just care less. I no longer look like Shrek. I'm going to do what I want. Anyway, enough of that.

I spent a couple of hours in the gym this afternoon. Listening to music while doing various floor exercises. The usual. Despite the cloudy weather, I also spent some time outside. While lying on my back and looking up at the sky, my mind began drifting to thoughts of Logan. Although my daydream was focused on Logan specifically, the thoughts could be applied to all of the guys I've been with.

I watched an Instagram video that I had made back in April. It was the clip with the lips and tongue from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, set to Janet Jackson's "Rope Burn." I started thinking about the way Logan and I used to kiss. How much I loved that part of our intimacy. I also realized that I had begun to forget how those moments felt. The thought was both sad and comforting at the same time. Sad, because I didn't want to give that relationship up. I didn't want to forget the way Logan made me feel. However, it was comforting and freeing because, despite those feelings, I didn't have a choice in the matter. I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to be with me. Therefore, the sooner I move on, the better. It's just taken a while for me to move past my heartache. I really liked Logan.

Once I had woken up from my daydreaming, I limped my way to the kitchen and began helping an agitated Mom prepare dinner. Why the mood? Well, Dad made himself a drink tonight. Mom wanted a drink. Dad didn't ask Mom. Mom was upset. Dad couldn't understand why. The two of them didn't say much to one another for the rest of the evening. It was fucking stupid. Expected, but stupid.

What scares me about my parents' behavior is that I know it has been passed on to me. I see so many similarities in myself. Mom's OCD, passiveness, and overthinking. Dad's short temper, carelessness, and impulsivity.

When it comes to Mom, she doesn't express her feelings properly. Mom won't ever explicitly ask for what she wants, because she is always looking to please someone else. Mom always puts others before herself. That type of behavior doesn't mesh well with Dad's careless mindset of, "I'm not a mind-reader." Mom expects people to do things because, "They should know." Dad can't read between the lines, nor is he aware of how his actions might impact someone else. They're both setting themselves up for disappointment. Note to self: think less, act more, say more.

After one of our first family dinners in a while, I baked some cookies and Dad and I watched three hours' worth of The Seventies. Much to my surprise, Dad actually stayed awake. If Dad stays up to watch TV past 9 p.m. – if Dad stays awake for anything past 9 p.m. – that means he's very interested in the subject material.

I didn't nap today, and was actually tired at a decent hour, so I skipped the Xanax and climbed into bed.

Goodnight xo