Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2)

March 9

March 9

Today was somewhat busy. Not as busy as it should have been, but still hectic enough to keep my mind occupied. Mind you, I still managed to find the time for far too many Instagram creeper moments throughout the day. Ugh. I know. I'm working on it.

I still haven't heard from Logan. Although I'm trying to deal with it, move on, and try and maintain some form of sanity, the situation is still on my mind a lot. Logan is still on my mind a lot. I just wonder, what will happen when we actually talk again? Will we ever talk again?

Anyway, I did the whole gym routine pretty early today, and then trekked out to the west end of the city for a training shift with DigiPrint, the 3D printing company. The Toronto Fashion Week gig I signed on for requires a thorough knowledge of a very specific design program, so that's what the shift was focused on. It was a lot of fucking work! I'm really good with technology, but I was not expecting the training to be that intense. Not to mention, I was on the tail-end of a high when I arrived at the DigiPrint office. Oh, yeah. I blazed before the gym this morning. Whatever. Blah, blah, blah. Let's just hope I've retained all of the information for when the shifts start next week. Overall, I think the gig with DigiPrint will be great for me. Something to keep my mind busy, and top up my bank account in the process. Two things I am in desperate need of right now.

I walked back home to the Witch Cave after my training shift. I relaxed for a bit before changing my underwear and walking down the street to Bar Volo for my second date with – oh, my God.

Okay. I'm a little baked right now as I'm writing this in bed, but I just completely blanked on his name. Shit! Fuck. Umm. God, this is so stupid. Why can I remember his twin's name, but not his? Weird.

Bryan! That's it. I went on a second date with Bryan.

Oh, my God, I just had to double check that I spelled it right. What is wrong with me! What is wrong with me? What is wrong with his parents! Who the hell spells Brian with a y!

Alright. Let's try this again.

My date with Bryan was really nice. I feel like I talked too much, though. That's very typical of me on a date. However, lately I've found myself telling the same stories over and over again on every date I have with a new guy. I mean, the stories are funny. Perhaps even entertaining for the other person to hear because, well, I have some good stories. But, it all seems so repetitive. It's not that I even really want to talk as much as I do on a date. At least, I don't think I do. It just happens. Honestly, I tried to divert the conversation towards Bryan multiple times throughout the night, but it would always end up circling back to me. I'm not sure if I was doing it subconsciously, or if Bryan was deflecting. The same thing happened on our first date.

Overall, my evening with Bryan was a pretty good date. I like him. But, I don't know. I feel like a big part of this whole thing is me trying to regain confidence in myself. As if I'm filling a void by going on these dates. Not, like, an all-encompassing love void, but the void of Logan. I don't want to allow myself to use Bryan as a way for me to get over Logan.

Bryan walked me home. Once again, our date took place at the end of my street, so it wasn't exactly a long journey. We kissed goodnight. I was a bit more awkward with it than I would have liked. We were standing under a very bright light on the steps of my apartment building, and there were a lot of people walking by. I get self-conscious with PDA sometimes. But, we still kissed a fair amount. Our first date was mostly a hug goodnight with a quick peck on the cheek. Tonight was much more. Bryan is a very relaxed guy, that's for sure. I like that about him. I'm open to seeing where things could go.

I walked upstairs to the Witch Cave, immediately sparked up a bowl, and now I'm going to bed.

My date with Bryan was from 9 p.m. to 1 a.m. Wow.

Goodnight xo