Hi, I'm Kurt. A binge-drinking, pill-popping disco diva with a heart of platinum and an appetite for self-destruction.
Welcome to Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2).
Adapted from a collection of nightly...
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February 2
Had a very early morning today, because I went to a taping of The View. Standard television taping nonsense, but a free ticket is a free ticket. The only reason I went was because my idol, Miss Piggy, was the guest. Mind you, it was also amazing to see Whoopi Goldberg right in front of me. Believe it or not, a production assistant pulled me out of my seat at the very back of the audience and put me in the front row. It was pretty awesome. I think I have my Dolly Parton suede fringe jacket to thank. Either that, or being a 6'2" blonde guy.
After the taping, I went to Trader Joe's and picked up some groceries for the week, then met Logan for lunch near his office in Greenwich Village. We spent the hour together, which was nice.
I was going to walk around a bit after lunch, but decided to go home and work out instead. I did my usual floor routine at Logan's place and then ran for over an hour around Central Park. It was stunning. The whole thing was very calming and I think I needed that energy release. By the time I got home from my run, Logan was about to get off work. I did a bit of event stuff for MOMENTS – the event can go live on Facebook at any "moment" now – and showered up.
Speaking of moments, I keep anticipating a "bottom moment" with Logan, so I continue to prep myself for that, but it's now my second night here and we still haven't moved past heavy petting. To be fair, last night I was somewhat apprehensive about doing anything intimate. There was definitely a lack of sexual drive and desire on my part, and that's not something I'm used to. It was me.
Logan made us an amazing dinner once he got home and I did the dishes and cleaned up afterwards. A good team effort. After that, we moved to the bed and watched an episode of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List. Logan was getting tired, so we made out for a bit and then went to bed.
Before we fell asleep, Logan and I started talking about how sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night and can't sleep, so he watches a TV show to calm his anxious mind. We talked about what might cause that nervousness, and it was very similar to my anxieties. Well, some of them, at least.
Logan explained that he wants to be doing the best he can and wants to make sure he is continually pushing himself and moving forward. It's a weird feeling to give advice on something you also struggle with, but I mentioned the importance of recognizing past achievements and how sometimes we are the last people to give ourselves the credit we deserve. For example, Logan moving to New York City from Kansas, or me planning this MOMENTS party as a way to prove my skills as an event coordinator.
All of this talk made me come to realize that you can't run from your past – or your pain. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. You have to learn to honor your past. Without it, you wouldn't be where you are, or who you are today. You wouldn't be able to move forward into a successful future, as you would lack that vital knowledge and experience to carry you forth. I think it was a pep talk I needed for myself, too.
