Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2)

May 8

May 8

I think I had that all-powerful "moment of clarity" today. I'm sure you can guess what it was in regard to.

I woke up fairly early, and did my normal routine of online check-ins and messages. I also went downstairs and started working on Mom's Mother's Day dessert. Banana layer cake with chocolate buttercream icing. Yum.

These days, I've been thinking a lot about what it must be like to be a parent. How does one's view of their child change over the years? Mom came into my room this morning, almost in tears about something. I didn't end up asking what was wrong, because I think she was just so genuinely happy to hug me and be with me.

I gave Mom the Chelsea Handler book I bought her. By the way, I finished Chelsea's second book in two days, which is a new reading time record for me.

Being a parent has to be such an incredible rollercoaster of emotions. You have your baby, teach them, watch them grow, bathe and clothe them, and before you know it, they are almost your equivalents. That is, until the tables turn and the children then become the caregivers. It's a lot to think about.

By 11:30 a.m., I had a response from Logan to a message that I had sent at 4:30 p.m. yesterday. I responded right away with what I thought was a fairly basic response, and I haven't heard from him since.

I think the "moment of clarity" was that things aren't going to change. For whatever reason, the guy clearly isn't interested in maintaining a relationship with me anymore. On any level. My connection with Logan is so far removed from anything romantic, that it might as well be in Tibet. I thought that maybe we could have operated on a friendship level. Although, that would have likely just led to me becoming crazier. Deep down, I know that I wouldn't be able to let go of my feelings for Logan. Anyway, it doesn't matter. A friendship with Logan doesn't seem to be in the cards for us, either.

I know that I wrote in last night's entry that I want to find out why Logan changed. Now, I'm not sure if I care. Is it even worth it? I won't go as far to say that I was innocent. I know that I displayed a lot of behavior that was somewhat – questionable. But, I'm also going through a hard time. Whatever made Logan lose interest in me is out of my control. Clearly, if he wasn't willing to deal with me on different levels, it wasn't meant to be.

I'm sitting here, in bed, writing this entry as an iMessage to myself on my computer. Two message bars above sits my conversation with Logan. I'm looking at his picture. That gap-toothed grin, smiling next to his name and the last message I sent to him. Logan James Hunter. A lesson learned. A lesson, which has unfortunately led to a lot of emotional turmoil, including trust issues. But, we look for the good and move forward. I still wouldn't mind egging Logan's apartment, though.

Today was pretty standard. I read a lot, baked Mom her cake – which actually turned out great – and worked out. Phillip made a really nice dinner for us, and we all sat down for our first family meal since I can remember. It was a very pleasant evening.

A part of me feels guilty for hiding a lot of the struggles I've been facing over the past few months, especially now being on my new medication. But, I don't want to be treated differently by anyone. I don't want people checking up on me. And I definitely don't want any sympathy.

Seeing Phillip and all of his amazing skills makes me feel kind of shitty about myself. It doesn't come from a place of jealousy, though. I am so genuinely happy for my brother. I am infinitely proud of Phillip and all that he can do. I just wish that I had passions like his. That's what makes looking at jobs all the more stressful, too. I see a lot of things that interest me, but that I know I'm not necessarily qualified for. I'm not the "best" at anything. That's what upsets me.

A former boss at The Toronto Film Group once told me that I have "characteristics," which can't be taught. You either have them, or you don't. She said that those personal qualities are more valuable than any work experience. I've always appreciated that encouragement. However, convincing others of my "characteristics" is proving to be almost impossible. It's now getting to the point where I'm beginning to think that I have a serious problem, which isn't going to resolve itself. And, even if it does, how long until I find that "something" that's mine?

I think about running away a lot. Just letting go of my apartment, taking whatever money I have, and driving across the country to California. I would live with Uncle Jack for a few months. I'd visit friends in their different cities, and just forget about everything. Go to the beach every day. Meet someone and fall in love, and never have to go back home.

I love to run away from things – from my problems. That's what I do. It's what I've always done. Not surprisingly, running away only causes more problems. Eventually, the money dries up and I have to return home. Back to start, in my never-ending game of Trouble.

After dinner, the family went to see The Jungle Book, which I thought was great. Maybe because I popped a Xanax with my popcorn.

Before the movie started, I received a message from Ashton. He's this guy from New Zealand, who I met on Grindr last year while on the final week of our Hawaiian family vacation. We've never actually met in person, but have stayed in touch digitally since then. Ashton said that he might be in Toronto early this coming week, and would be spending a couple of nights. I hope he does. I want to get the living daylights fucked out of me, and I know Ashton would do it.

We went home to Casa Z after the movie, and I went straight to bed. Today marks over one week since my last drink, and over two weeks since my last spark.

Goodnight xo