Hi, I'm Kurt. A binge-drinking, pill-popping disco diva with a heart of platinum and an appetite for self-destruction.
Welcome to Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2).
Adapted from a collection of nightly...
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January 31
Today started out with a very busy morning, which then turned into an equally hectic afternoon and evening. Apart from getting things ready for my trip to New York City tomorrow, the main event of the day was the bridesmaid dress fitting for Kate's upcoming wedding.
A chaotic day was good for me. Until I stopped to breathe later in the afternoon, I didn't have a chance to continue my analysis of the Logan situation. It was a nice break from being inside my head. The bridesmaid fitting was also good. Not that I had anything to try on myself, but it was nice to see all of the girls. Natasha's also a bridesmaid, so she was there and we got to catch up. Fortunately, the ladies all decided on their dresses very quickly and we were out of the shop in what felt like record-breaking time.
All of this wedding planning stuff makes me want something so simple. I would like to get married one day, but I don't need all the bells and whistles. I couldn't care less about weddings, to be honest. There are so many other things that I would rather spend my money on. To each their own, I suppose. That being said, it's nice to see Kate happy like this. At the end of the day, that's all you want for someone you love.
After a post-shopping brunch with the wedding party, I drove up to Casa Z and did my usual workout routine in the basement. I cried a lot, too. That typically happens when I'm alone in our gym. After that, I did some laundry and then went back to my apartment. It took me a while, but I finished packing and I'm ready to go for tomorrow.
Logan was texting me throughout the night and said he wants to take me to the ballet on Thursday in addition to the Carnegie Hall recital. I want to be excited. I really, really, really want to be genuinely excited, but I have this horrible feeling in my stomach. It sucks. I'm nervous. And it's not fair. I was so excited about this trip, and in such a quick instant those feelings were replaced with nothing but fear and anxiety.
I feel so unwanted. Logan has totally pushed me away and I'm confused as to how I should feel. I'm essentially going to stay with a guy for a week after he just told me two nights ago that he doesn't see a future with me. Either way, I'm getting on that MegaBus come 9 a.m. tomorrow morning and I'm going to see him. Logan said he's excited and can't wait to see me. I would have given anything to hear him say that before all of this. Now hearing that makes me sad.
I'm so tired of being sad. This was supposed to be such a happy experience. I'm trying to keep my head up, but it's hard. I want to see Logan, though. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I know that my feelings for Logan remain intact, and everything that I'm currently trying to suppress is going to come back in full force when I walk through his door.
Stay positive, Kurt. You're better than this negativity. Everything will be okay.
