Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2)

April 27

April 27

Dealt with the usual job search stuff this morning. There aren't as many openings being posted now, but I sent off an application for that new position at The Toronto Film Group. Another events role. We'll see what happens with it. The application process was slightly unsettling.

As I sifted through my sent emails, looking to reference my last message/application to The Toronto Film Group, I couldn't find anything. I had the CV file on my computer, but the application email itself didn't seem to exist. Now, I'm wondering if I forgot to send it in? I feel like that's highly unlikely, though. Considering that original position ended up going to a senior staff member, it's unlikely I would have gotten the role anyway. But, still. Weird.

I spoke with a casting agent on the phone today. She called me twenty minutes earlier than I was expecting, and we talked about the assistant position I had applied for yesterday. After what was an extremely informal phone call, I ended up landing an in-person interview for next week. It's encouraging. However, at the end of the day, how is this going to propel me forward into a successful future? Once again, the role just seems like a lot of paperwork.

As always, I want to go through the interview process and see what happens with it. At the very least, it will be good practice for me. Imagine if I had landed any of the roles I did that for, though? I might have been an assistant at an association management firm. Or maybe even a communications coordinator at a Montessori school. Things would be so different. It's weird to think about.

The rest of my day was pretty relaxed. Lately, I haven't been able to stop eating. It's becoming a huge problem. Literally. Dad brought home a Costco-sized bag of chocolate covered almonds the other day, which have been constantly calling my name from the pantry ever since. It takes me back to the time when I yelled at Dad for keeping a similar sized bag of peanut M&M's in the house. Honestly, I feel like it's a subconscious form of torture on Dad's part. It's fucking abusive. It's horrible. I have no self-control.

Another problem is that I really don't want to go back to the Witch Cave. I have no money, and it's cold out. That means I'm left to sit alone in my claustrophobic apartment, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. I hate it.

Spoiler alert: I'm at the Witch Cave right now.

I'm so lonely here. I know that's why I stay at Casa Z for so long. It's a Catch-22, though. Although I have more space and company at the house, I get annoyed with said company pretty quickly. A visit to Casa Z also means access to an unlimited supply of food, which I'm unable to pass up. Not to mention the fact that Mom offers me food about every thirty minutes. I almost feel like I have to get out of the house sometimes. For the sake of my sanity, my waistline, and my relationship with Mom and Dad.

The eating thing really stresses me out. Even writing about it now, I'm getting anxious thinking about my weight. I'm currently lying naked on my bed at the Witch Cave, and I feel like a whale. I actually feel weight being added onto my love handles as I type this. I need to stop.

Mom and I ordered Kate's bridal shower gifts this morning. Not that such an activity is really worthy of a journal entry, but this is my journal and I'll write what I want.

As we were sifting through the Hudson's Bay registry website, I started getting visibly annoyed with how slow Mom was clicking and scrolling through her computer. I mean, she was really taking her time. Obviously, Mom knew I was not having it.

"You really need to stop it with this 'right now' attitude," she turned to me and barked.

I know Mom's right. I'm extremely impatient in almost every area of my life. Honestly, though. That's who I am. I like to get things done fast. Eating, walking, talking, driving – you name it. I'm not really worried about making mistakes. I don't usually make them, actually. That's just how I work. Fast. And I think that's why I have a lot of downtime sometimes, because of how quickly I work. Anyway, it's just a thought.

In an attempt to get out of Casa Z for a bit this afternoon, I did some grocery shopping for Mom and drove around aimlessly for a while. I came home, did some arts and crafts with a few t-shirts, made lunch, and took a nap. Later, I managed to get in about 45-minutes of running, which means I should be back to 100% tomorrow.

Showered, packed, ate even more food, and drove back downtown. I parked the car at the garage and walked to the Witch Cave from there, texting Bryan and Greg most of the way home. Just random stuff.

Greg and I are very similar with a lot of things. Tonight, we were talking about our natural desire to help people, and how we are often the psychiatrists to so many of our friends. I don't think I've ever met anyone like Greg. I know he's like me, though. I know there's a lot of stuff underneath it all – cue No Doubt – that Greg keeps hidden. Sound familiar?

Once at the Witch Cave, my mood changed. It's either because I'm tired, or just feeling a bit emotionally drained. I wasn't even planning on writing a long journal entry tonight, but here it is.

I spend so much time in my own head, analyzing everything. I know it's unhealthy, but I can't help it. I'm trying to let so many things go, but my memory is easily triggered. With just one word – or a song, a picture, a smell – I am instantly taken back to the past. I just want to run away. I want to go somewhere, and just be away from everything. I want new memories. I want to meet new people, and have new experiences. I'm not happy.

Naomi and I may go to Palm Springs for my birthday. That is, if I can even walk that weekend. I'm having foot surgery on May 19. More on that in another entry. It's too late tonight. Palm Springs sure would be a nice escape, though. I don't want to spend my birthday in Toronto. Originally, I wanted to spend it in New York City. Greg has offered up his couch in Brooklyn multiple times, but I don't know if I am ready to return to the Big Apple just yet.

Goodnight xo