Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 1 of 2)

April 18

April 18

I've been trying to figure out if there's a habit or pattern to my days and emotions. So far, I've had no luck. From the moment I woke up this morning, I was in a negative mood. Right off the bat. I just don't want to be at Casa Z anymore.

Part of my rise-and-whine frustration might have been due to the less than helpful email I received from Dad this morning, outlining a job posting that I had mentioned yesterday. Later, I was getting ready to leave for work and heard Dad coming down the stairs. I bolted out the door without even tying my shoelaces. I didn't want to have a conversation about anything work-related. I wasn't fast enough, though. Dad caught me in the garage and asked about my schedule for this week.

I drove to The Store. Walking into the mall from the parking lot, I heard a dial tone coming from my pocket.

Oh. My. God.

I had butt-dialed Logan! And it was ringing! I hung up in a panic. I'm not even sure if the call went through. Although, I accidentally did the same thing to Naomi right after, and she received a notification. I'm sure Logan did, too.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's 12:30 a.m. right now, and I never heard a word from Logan today. So, yeah. That's that. I don't even know how to feel about the butt-dial. Logan didn't even acknowledge it. What if it was an actual call? What if it was important? I'm nothing to him anymore. Nothing.

Work was work. I was at The Store from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m., and those five hours felt like fifteen. I've given up. I'll do my job, and I'll do it well. But, that's for my visual merchandising work. Shipments, floor shifts, sales, customer service – I couldn't care less about. In fact, I'm usually on my phone for half of the day. I'm done with it. I'm sure The Store knows it as well. Alicia even mentioned a couple of days ago that she knew I was, "Over it a long time ago." Bingo!

I drove back to Casa Z after work, made food, and tried to call the manager from The Clubhouse, who had left a message for me at noon. I called her at 3 p.m., and had to leave another voicemail. Great. Another two weeks of phone tag, I'm sure. Hopefully, she'll call tomorrow.

After lunch and some Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, I went upstairs. I tried to be productive. I looked at recent job postings, but nothing interested me. I also didn't want to work out, so I stripped down and crawled into bed for a nap.

Sure enough, three minutes later, Mom walked into my room and wanted to chat. Similar to Dad this morning, she wanted to discuss the job posting that I had mentioned yesterday. Fortunately, Mom's advice was actually quite helpful. That's the difference between Mom and Dad. It's also one of the more obvious reasons why I find myself closer with Mom.

I love Dad. I know I'm a priority to him, too. However, Dad would never go to the resourceful lengths that Mom does to help me. It's just not how he's wired. Dad would require a push for something like that, which he's not going to get from me. Mom just goes for it – whether you like it or not.

Sitting on the edge of my bed, Mom wanted to continue talking. I started crying. I tried to shut down the conversation, but she kept going. I didn't want to continue in tears, but I also had nowhere to go. I couldn't get out of bed, as I was naked under my duvet. I told Mom that this is the lowest I've ever felt. In other words, I told her the truth. Mom's response was an attempt at giving me the "everybody is struggling" line(s). I wasn't interested in her pep rally.

I can't believe it's April. I can't believe this is still happening to me.

Today was just a very bad day. I feel really low. I've been in a dark place for a while. I think about suicide a lot. I think about what everyone is working so hard to achieve. To make money, to buy things, to gain notoriety, and then everyone dies. That's it. You work and struggle your whole life, all while knowing you're going to die. I'm smaller than a grain of sand. What's the point?

Naomi is going through some guy trouble. Her boyfriend recently broke up with her on Facebook Messenger, and then blocked her from everything. Naomi is devastated. I've never seen her this vulnerable. It makes me sad, because I can relate to her on so many levels. You think you know someone, and then they turn on you. It leaves you wondering: "What the fuck did I do? What's wrong with me?"

Last night, I talked about the whole "media paralleling life" thing, and how TV shows often seem to imitate my reality. It happened again today. During one of the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt episodes I watched this afternoon, the characters were talking about how being dumped is not our fault.

It's not our fault that people leave. We also can't spend all of our time and energy trying to figure out why they left in the first place. They're just shitty people. While Naomi and I both know that to be true, it's still hard as all hell to accept and move on. We want answers, motherfuckers! And we do not deserve to be treated this way. It makes me angry. And sad. And I don't want to feel either of those emotions.

The solution? Take it one day at a time. I'm trying to move on. I know it's not my fault that Logan left, but that's how I feel. I feel like I was a downer in the relationship. I feel like I was obsessive, and it drove Logan away. It's not fair, though. This is just a rough patch that I'm going through. Logan should have been more considerate. Right? Maybe that was another red flag. You don't just abandon someone when they're struggling. I cared more for Logan than he ever did for me, and I'm sad that I was so blind to such unbalanced affection. I'm sorry for allowing myself – and my self-esteem – to take such a beating over someone who treated me badly for so long. I made excuses, just like I always do.

Despite an injured foot, I ran my seven miles in the gym tonight. I was still feeling shitty afterwards, so I took two Panic Pills. It feels like one of those cartoon ACME weights is sitting on top of my head right now. I have an appointment with Dr. Cohen next week. I think I might ask him about the possibility of a different drug – either something stronger, or in the anti-depressant family. I hate feeling like this.

Bryan got back from Saskatchewan tonight. I want to see him. I want to keep an open mind, too. I actually do like Bryan. I just know that the other stuff happening in my life right now is causing a negative impact on our relationship.

"I was so enraptured

No sensibility

To open my eyes

I misunderstood

Now you're fading faster

It's suddenly hard to see

You're taking the light

Letting the shadows inside

Swiftly

You're vanishing

Drifting away"

— Mariah Carey, "Vanishing"

Goodnight xo