When the Pen Bleeds

I'D RATHER

" Rachel. Just let me court you."

My heart felt heavy as he said those words. This is what I don't want to happen. Kaya nga kahit anong pagpaparamdam niya sa akin, hindi ko pinapansin yon. Kahit ilang beses ko na siyang tinataboy papalayo sa akin, mas lalo naman siyang nagiging desido na mapapayag ako na ligawan niya ko.

I just stayed silent while my eyes were fixed on him. Kung tutuusin, napakaswerte ko. He's the ideal man of most of the girls in our campus because of his charm and personality. With his innocent eyes, pinkish lips, pointed nose and how he treat others, you'll surely fall for him easily.

But not in my case, I guess.

" I'm sorry Redd. I can't. You can have someone better than me."

" I don't need someone better than you. You're just the one that I need but why can't you accept my feelings for you. "

I tried to supress this emotions that I have by shifting my gaze towards the kids that are busy playing here in the park.

" I don't know." I uttered still not looking on him.

" Of course there's a reason Rachel. Just tell me. Kung may hindi ka gusto sa akin, babaguhin ko. Just let me. Hayaan mo akong ligawan ka."

I can see the determination and eagerness in his eyes. He even held my hands as he said those words.

I actually don't know what to say. I really felt sorry for him.

" Hindi ko alam kung anong pumapasok sa isip mo. But what I'm saying are all real. I truly love you. At pinapangako kong hindi kita lolokohin."

My eyes started to become watery. I know that anytime, it's ready to flood off from my eyes.

I forced a smile in front of him.

This is the same words that he said. The tone, the feelings, the atmosphere - it's exactly the same, but to a different person.

" Pang-ilang babae na kaya akong sinabihan mo ng ganyan Redd?"

He looks shocked upon hearing what I've said. Para bang nagsisi siya sa mga salitang pinili niyang bigkasin sa harap ko.

" Yan ba ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw mong pumayag?"

I heaved a sigh and tried to compose myself. Bakit ba ang dami niyang tanong? Lalo lang akong nahihirapan na pigilan tong nararamdaman ko.

" Y-yes. So just please stop. M-manloloko ka lang naman diba. Kaya makakaalis ka na."

I'm expecting that he will stop already. But instead of leaving, he flashed a genuine smile which made me lonelier. He's just making things difficult for me.

" I won't stop Rachel. Papatunayan ko sayo na totoo ang sinasabi ko. Ipaparamdam ko sayo na hinding-hindi ko na ulit kayang gawin yung sinasabi mo. 'Cause this time, I know that it's you. Sigurado na akong wala na kong ibang mamahalin pa bukod sayo."

Tears pooled down from my eyes unknowingly as I clutched my chest.

" B-but I can't love someone like you Redd. I-I just can't."

Bahagya niyang tiningala ang kanyang ulo at sandaling pinagmasdan ang langit.

Nasasaktan siya.

" Sapalagay mo ba hindi ko kayang magbago? Ganon na lang ba kaliit ang tingin mo sa akin Rachel para kahit man lang payagan mong patunayan yung sarili ko sayo hindi mo magawa?"

Few tears escaped from his eyes. I turned my gaze down to the grasses. I couldn't stare at him. He's hurt because of the words that came out from my mouth.

" H-hindi sa ganon. Ayaw lang talaga kitang m-mahalin " I replied while tears are still streaming down to my cheeks

He slowly nodded and wiped the tears that keeps on falling from his eyes.

" Bakit ayaw mo Rachel? I was just asking if I could court you, pero hindi mo lang magawang pumayag."

" You're just making it complicated."

" I just want to know the real reason!"

" Because my bestfriend still loves you Redd! Gustuhin ko man na mahalin kita but I can't 'cause I already promised her. Nangako ako sa kanya na hindi ako maiinlove sayo nang malaman niyang gusto mo akong ligawan. I-Im sorry."

Mas lalong nagpatuloy ang pag-agos ng luha ko. Pansin kong hindi niya rin alam ang sasabihin niya. At least hindi niya na pipilitin ang sarili niya sa akin.

Oo masakit. But I have no choice.

I'd rather lose the one I love than to hurt and lose my bestfriend.
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WORK OF FICTION