When the Pen Bleeds

IT IS HARD TO LET GO

IT IS HARD TO LET GO

Minahal ko na ang pagkanta simula ng bata pa lang talaga ako – kaya nga sobrang saya ko dahil natupad ko ang gusto ko – ang maging isang propesyonal na mang-aawit.

What makes me happier is that I have my ever supportive boyfriend. Lagi siyang nandiyan kapag may events at concerts ako.

But who knows that this career will lead me into worst. Hindi naman ganito ang naiisip kong kahihinatnan ko pero wala na siguro akong magagawa pa.

"I'm tired. Lagi akong sumusuporta sa'yo pero bakit hindi mo man lang mapansin lahat?" Napatigil ako sa pag-aayos ng gamit ko nang biglang magsalita ang boyfriend ko.

Gan'on na ba ang pakiramdam niya dahil sa sobrang daming ganap sa buhay ko?

"N-No. I always appreciate you Lorenz. Sadyang sobrang busy ko lang talaga ngayon. I have consecutive concerts in different places diba? At saka may i-inaasikaso kasi ako. Sorry."

"Sorry? Okay lang sana sa akin kung isa o dalawang araw but its been weeks you're treating me as if I'm invincible."

"I'm s-sorry."

"No need. I'm breaking up with you."

Parang binuhasan ako ng napakalamig na tubig dahil sa narinig ko. T-This can't be. Ang b-bilis naman.

"W-What? N-No. Love let's fix this. Hear me out. L-Let me ex—"

"Enough. I'm done with you. Makakahanap pa ako ng iba na makikita ang halaga at pagmamahal ko."

Those were his last words before he left me dumbfounded.

It's been three months now but I still mourn every time I remember him.

It was hard for me but though this angst still lingers all over me, I still did my best to perform every week–as if nothing happened.

"You and I
We're like fireworks
And symphonies exploding
In the sky"

The audience fell silent as I started singing. Puddle of emotions greeted me once again.

Why does it feel like everything just happened yesterday? Bakit yung sugat ay sariwang-sariwa pa rin?

"With you I'm alive
Like all the missing pieces of my heart
They finally collide.
So stop right here in the moonlight 'cause
I don't ever wanna close my eyes."

When I was about to reach the chorus part, people raise their hands and swayed with the  melody.

But among this jam-packed arena, there's only one person who didn't went along – it's him – he was silently watching while holding the left hand of a girl – maybe his new girl.

Nice. Congrats self! You're hurt.

Our eyes met and excruciating pain engulfed me. I'm dying inside just witnessing him with another woman.

Sana gan'on lang kadaling kalimutan siya para hindi ako nagkakaganito.

"Without you I feel broke
Like I'm half of a whole."

Tears that threatened to fall a while ago make their way out of my eyes quickly.

Wala na akong pakialam kung anong sabihin sa akin ng mga nanonood kasi isa lang ang alam ko – nasasaktan ako.

Though there's a lump blocking my throat, I still tried to continue the lyrics.

"W-Without you
I've got no hand to h-hold."

Funny to think that he was literally holding someone's hand. Samantalang ako dapat ang kasama niya ngayon.

He awkwardly removed the eye contact between us when he noticed that I am still observing them with my tears still flowing.

"W-With – With – o-" In a blink of an eye, the whole area was filled with murmurs as my voice suddenly cracked and didn't hit the note.

Cold sweats formed in me. Bakit ngayon pa?

I tried to continue but it was difficult.

This is frustrating!

Bago ako tuluyang bumaba sa entablado, sa huling pagkakataon ay tiningnan ko ang mga sumusuporta sa akin. Their faces looked disgusted and disappointed. Sino ba namang hindi diba? Na ang hinahangaan nila ay pumalya sa pagkanta? I guess this would be my last.

"S-Sorry." I apologized and rapidly walked straight to the back stage.

Pagkaupo ko, doon na lalong nagsibagsakan ang mga luha ko. Ang bigat-bigat sa pakiramdam ng ganito.

Nakakahiya ka Vien! You're supposed to end your last perfomance outstandingly but you just flopped it!

"S-Sorry." I wiped my tears using my sleeves before lifting my head as I heard his voice in front of me. I know that I look devastated already but who cares?

"F-For what?" I asked.

"Kaya ba hindi ka nakakanta dahil nakita mo ako kasama ang girlfriend ko? A-Ano kasi, fan mo siya kaya s-sina–"

"Stop." I cried. "Please just s-stop. Wag mo nang i-ipamukha na may iba ka n-na. Masakit Lorenz!" Only the faint echo from the stage clamored for a few seconds. Hindi niya siguro inakala na sasabihin ko 'yon.

"That's why I'm saying sorry."

"It's not your fault." I mumbled.

"H-Hindi mo naman kasalanan na h-hindi na muna ako makakanta sa matagal na panahon." Confusion was etched in his face upon hearing what I said but he just chose to zip his mouth.

"I-It's not your fault that I have vocal n-nodes."

"W-What?"

I covered my face with my palms to supress my sullen emotions but I failed.

Tuloy-tuloy pa rin ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko.

I don't want to stop from singing. Kaya nga kahit sinabi ng doktor na ipahinga ko muna ang boses dahil baka mas lalong lumalala ay hindi ko magawa.

I want to get mad at him. Gusto kong magalit sa kaniya kasi dapat kasama ko siya ngayon sa ganitong sitwasyon pero hindi kasi wala naman na–wala naman ng kami.

Gusto ko siyang sisihin kasi hindi niya man lang ako hinayaang mag-explain kung bakit imbes na kasama ko siya kapag may libre akong oras ay nasa ospital ako para patingnan at ipagamot ang kalagayan ko – but I'm not in the right place already.

"It's fine," sagot ko.

"Fine? Paanong magi–"

"Sige! Hindi ako okay Lorenz! I'm not alright because I have to stop my passion and–" I heaved a sigh. "–and I also have to stop loving you kasi hindi na ako ang nilalaman ng puso mo. Mahal ko ang pagkanta at mahal pa rin kita pero k-kailangan kong tigilan dahil parehong hindi na – hindi na pwede."

The world is indeed unfair. Bakit 'yong mismong mahal pa natin ang ipinagkakait sa atin?

WORK OF FICTION
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