Killed With Kindness - Loceit

If I had to choose him or the sun I'd be one nocturnal son of a gun

Janus woke up by fingers stroking through his hair. He slowly opened one of his eyes just to immediately close it again when the sun made dark dots dance around his vision. Instead he snuggled up closer to where he was laying and mumbled something about five more minutes.

"I didn't mean to wake you" Logan murmured too him. His voice was groggy from sleep.

This prompted Janus to open his eyes realize that his head was leaned against the other man's chest and it was his hand that was stroking his hair and he was pretty much laying on top of Lo. He quickly sat up while trying to rub his eyes too fully wake himself up.

"Sorry. If you wanted me to move you could have just woken me up or shoved me down onto the floor or something I'm sorry" He rambled out.

"No, it's fine. It was relaxing to lay here and not do anything expect well comb your hair for a bit"

Janus let out a surprised oh sound. He hesitantly laid down next to him again. When he felt warm hands wrap around him he closed his eyes and relaxed. Logan was the only one in the entire world who could make him feel completely safe.

"We've been living together for a year now" Logan suddenly said while nuzzling into the slope between the other man's neck and shoulder 

"I don't even remember what date it was when I came here. That night is so foggy I only remember....bad things" 

"Want to by any chance go out and get ice cream? To celebrate I mean. I don't think anything could have made me happier than getting to see you every day"

"Darling you know I never say no to free ice cream" Janus replied with a smirk.

He quickly sat up and took on his normal gloves and hat while the other man dragged on the nearest shirt. He debated for a moment between a tie or a snazzy bowtie before deciding on neither since it was a relaxed kind of day.

Once they got outside the apartment and started to walk Logan took Janus' hand in his and lightly squeezed it "Pissing of homophobes you know" He mumbled out.

"Right" It had become their usual excuse for when they wanted to hold hands.

The whole way to the nearest ice cream selling place the nerd went on about how it was actually bad for the body to have that as the first meal of the day. He got weirdly serious about how much water a person should drink in a day. 

Janus ordered 2 scoops of lemon flavored ice cream and Logan took 1 scoop of vanilla because that's how much of a basic bitch he is. They sat down on a bench outside and soaked in the sun.

"This is nothing more than a suggestion but I have been thinking about mayhaps getting a new apartment. I'm taking my leave from university this summer and after that I can get a better job so I prob-"

While Logan kept talking Janus zoned out. His bit his cheek so hard he could feel a copper taste fill his mouth and he held onto the fabric of his pants so hard his knuckles whitened. Of course he should have known that Logan would get tired of him eventually and kick him out. It was just a matter of time.

When Lo placed his hand on his shoulder he was forced out of his anxiety induced thinking "So would you be okay with moving into a bigger apartment with me?" He asked with a smile.

"That is an absolutely horrible idea and I hate it and why would ever even think of that you idiot?" He lied. His anxiety was replaced with quiet excitement in an instant.

 "Well right now it feels like it's my apartment and you're just on a really long sleepover but I want it to feel like we actually live there together" Logan placed his hand against Janus' cheek while saying it.

He leaned into the touch while replying "Well you're paying the bills so obviously it's your apartment and I'm just the disgusting parasite sleeping there"

"...We...we're still sharing the space...that isn't how it works"

Janus was about to reply with how his ex had told him something similar but then he reminded himself that if his abuser had told him it probably wasn't that trustworthy. 

"Are you actually feeling guilty over that?" Logan asked "I assumed you would have began searching for a job or something if you were seriously worried by that. I most likely wouldn't be able to keep a stable job if I had the mental health issues you have so I haven't judged you for not having one"

"I'm allowed to have a job??" He grabbed onto the taller man's wrist as he nearly exclaimed "You're allowing me to have a job?"

He simply nodded with a look of concern on his face.

"B-but then I would go outside every day and you have no way of knowing what I do. I'm unreliable and I'm a l-liar so I could do anything. You don't have any control and that's bad an-nd it's a good thing I don't have one since without one I have so much free ti-ime and-" Janus started to ramble out.

"I'll stop you there" Lo interrupted before moving so he was now cupping his friend's cheeks "I can tell that you were forced to think that way so I am letting you know that it's a false and toxic way of thinking" He let up into a small smirk "Besides the zoo can't go without it's snake expert now can it"

Janus shone up into a grin. It was so unusual to see him smile this big it didn't seem to fit on his face. He posed dramatically while purring out "Correct! No one can top me on my snake knowledge"

He looked him up and down before replying with "Looking at you I don't think anyone would want to top you"

He did an overly offended gasp while smacking his hands against his shoulder "You rotten lil shit" He pouted to hold back chuckling.

Logan didn't even try to hold back his laughter. It wasn't until now Janus realized how much he loved to hear his laughter. He also realized how rarely he heard it. 

"Wait if we're getting a bigger apartment does that mean we have space for an actual pet snake?"

"Sure" The nerd replied.

Janus opened his mouth to say something but instead a squeal of happiness came out. He took the other man's hands and intertwined their fingers while continuing to shine as bright as a sun.

The moment their hands touched a warmth shoot up through Logan's body. It spread to his cheeks and he couldn't help but smile back. The only thing he could think about was how he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with him.

Wait.

The snake continued to talk but Logan couldn't focus on what he said. Instead he went the through a list in his head of all the scientific signs he knew. Rapid heartbeats? Yes. Had he had trouble sleeping lately? Yes. Was his hands slightly sweaty? yes. Had his pain resistance been heightened lately? Yes.

Now when he finally realized it he wondered how he'd never known it before.

Logan loved him. He loved him. He loved him. More than words could describe.

He loved the way he dragged in his gloves when he was lost in thought. He loved how he would try to subtly wave at every animal he saw. He loved how he bit his lip whenever he couldn't stop himself from lying. He loved how his eyes sparkled when he smiled. He loved every small thing that made Janus well Janus.

"What are you looking at? Don't tell me I got ice cream on my face" Janus suddenly forced him out of his thoughts.

"No, I....I think I've come across a difficult problem"

"Want to talk about it?"

"Rather not. Mayhaps in the future"

God, Logan loved him. He loved him more than the stars in the sky. He wouldn't hesitate to give up all the stars and the moon if it meant keeping Janus happy for the rest of his life.

Logan loved him with every cell in his body and that was the biggest mistake he could have made.