Sinning like a saint // BJA

[1] when the feeling first occured

Introduction.

I guess I should probably start when I first felt the feeling.

It was actually back when we were a little, we were ten. It was some time after Billie's dad had passed and we was all on the park together.

I, Billie, Mike, Tre, Mia and Victoria.

Mia and Victoria were two friends from school. And me, Tre, Billie and Mike had known each other for years even before this.

We sat in a circle as we carried on with our game of truth or dare. They were stupid Truths and silly dares that meant nothing. I didn't remember any more of the dares apart from the one.

"My turn!" Mike shouted excitedly as he slowly looked around the circle, thinking. "Hmm." He mumbled. His blue eyes stopped at the person beside me, Billie joe.

"What?" Billie questioned him.

"Truth or dare?"

"Truth." He replied. I sniggered a little as he turned to look at me. "What?"

"Wuss." I teased.

"Fine! Dare!" He crossed his arms as he looked back over at Mike.

"Ooh, I've got one!" Tre exclaimed sitting next to mike as he whispered something quietly into his ear. Mike's eyes widened as he heard what Tre had said to him before Tre pulled away and mike grinned mischievously.

"Okay Billie, I dare you...." he began, pausing like he was trying to build the suspense.

"To?" Billie asked.

"Spit it out mike." Victoria scoffed jokingly.

"I dare you to kiss one of the girls." Mike finished.

"What!" Billies eyes almost bulged out of his head, for a second I thought they might've. "Are you kidding!? No! Give me another one!"

"A dares a dare, Billie." Tre shrugged laughing.

He let out a breath. "Which one?"

Mike paused again, as he looked over at me, then Vic and lastly Mia. Before he smiled. "Mia."

There was no way on earth Billie was gonna kiss Mia right?

"What!?" Mia chocked you for a second. "You want me to kiss him!"

Billie looked over to her offendedly. "Hey, I'm not that bad!"

"You're not exactly that good either."

"A dare is a dare," Mike repeated Tres 'wise words'.

"Fine," Mia muttered.

Billie sighed as he leaned over to her, and she leaned over to him. Their faces basically in front of me, Tre, mike and vic.

They both squeezed their eyes tight and puckered out their lips as they slowly leaned closer to each other. Then they kissed before quickly moving back and fake gagging and vomiting.

"Gross!" Billie shouted, wiping his lips on the back of his hands.

Mia nodded horrified, doing the same thing. "I know!"

But that exact moment, where they both leaned in was when I first felt the feeling.

It was like I began to feel sick. It made me feel sad thinking about it. And as much as I told myself I don't care, it didn't bother me. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

But it made me feel uneasy, mentally. My mind kept thinking back to it.

At the time I didn't know what this feeling was. All I know is it hurt. I had grown up with Billie, he had always been around in my life. Never straying far away from each other. And to of watched him kiss a girl right in front of me made me regret coming out with them today. I wish I didn't have to see that.

It's hard to describe the feeling I felt because saying it was a uncomfortable off-putting feeling in the pit of my stomach wasn't well enough to describe it. The only metaphor I could give to you about it was that I felt like I had been punched. Right in the chest.

After that, a while later Mia and Victoria left to head back home so they wouldn't pass curfew and left the four of us.

"Bro you just had your first kiss!" Mike shouted at him.

Bill pushed Mike away annoyed. "Stop! It was a dare!"

"Still your first kiss," Tre shrugged.

"Did you enjoy it?" I finally asked. I let my curiosity get the better of me. Although I knew even then I didn't want to know the answer to that question. I just had to know. I regretted asking as soon as the four words left my lips.

My question hung in the cold air for a few seconds before Billie spoke up. "I guess?" He shrugged.

And then the feeling inside of me became worse. I didn't know what the feeling was, I didn't even realise at the time it was there because of the kiss. I guess being so young and dumb I must have passed it off as nothing more but a 'tummy ache.'

I went home that night. I didn't cry or anything dramatic. But the feeling seemed to dwell inside of me. The image seemed to stay in my head. And I couldn't stop thinking about it.

And that was when I first felt it.

So fast forward a few years, Mia and Victoria are now out the picture. I, mike Tre and Billie hang around together. We're in our last year in school, they've got a band going on. And everything seemed like it would be going great.

I had an okay life at home, I didn't have a dad. He was also out of the picture, but I had a twin brother and I had my mom. And they were all well aware of Billie, Mike and Tre. Since we had been friends for absolutely fucking years.

But as time passed from the moment I first felt it, it kept reoccurring. The times I remembered it being the strongest was years ago when Billie and Mia would hold hands together, or then other times when Billie would tell us all about a new girl he's got his eyes on. Or then when he would get with her, he would tell us everything. And it felt like pure torture to listen. But never did I walk away. I always wanted to know more. And it always made me regret listening.

And only recently have I found out why the feeling comes. I'm jealous. Maybe it's obvious but to me, it was hiding. I'm jealous because I have feelings for him.

I had seen him when he was a mess, I had seen him when he was at his lowest, and I had seen him when he was at his highest. Most literally. I had taken care of him when he was drunk, and he had taken care of me when I was. He was the closest person I had. Since I never really tried to find friends out the circle from me, mike, Tre and bill.

But sometimes people would think I was with him. Because we were so close. Or girls who liked him would ask me to set them up or tell him about them. Which I never did. Why would I?

But yet I couldn't help myself when Billie would come and ask me for advice.

What should I wear? What am I supposed to say? Do you think she likes me? I don't know if I should break up with her or not. Do you think she's angry? She sent me this message, do you know what it means? What does it mean when a girl does this? Is this bad?

And I would always answer truthfully. Because I don't think I ever had it in me to lie to him.

But I was always jealous. I could never not be.

Even if jealous was a sin. I guess that just makes me a sinner. But I'm a good person? I've never sabotaged any of his relationships. Despite wanting to at times.

I'm not a sinner, I've got the heart of a saint. I live the life of a sinner with the pure intentions of a saint.

Ah, that's it.

I'm sinning like a saint.