To Love and Lost

Queen Pov

This was the seventh time I threw up blood I was depressed I didn't want to see anyone I wanted to be alone I looked at the bottle and went to pick it up I opened it and looked at the pills I yelled and threw them to the floor I grabbed everything in my room and tore it up and broke everything up I picked up the picture of me and my mom and threw it across the room ''AAAHHH STUPID ROOM STUPID PILLS STUPID STUPID'' I yelled dropping to the floor I saw my dad there at my door he came in and picked up the pills and the picture of me and mom he came to me and put the picture in front of me: FLASHBACK I opened the package my dad gave me I cried as I saw a picture of me and my mom It was the day she told us when she was pregnant with lay thank you dad'' I said hugging him he smiled FLASHBACK OVER: I looked at the picture and cried harder I ripped the picture up and threw it I took the pills and threw it I got up and ran to all the trophies I won and the crowns and stashes I got over the years I took them and broke them I threw everything I was out of breath and fell to the floor again my dad was there with the ripped pieces of the photo he got up and put them in front of me I took them and looked at him with hatred in my eyes ''I DON'T WANT THIS, THIS STUPID PHOTO SHE'S NOT HERE I DON'T WANT IT I DON'T WANT IT I HATE HER FOR LEAVING US I HATE HER!!!!! THESE STUPID PILLS ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING I'M DONE TAKING THEM I'LL JUST DIE ANYWAY I WANNA DIE!!!!!'' I yelled out he looked at me with sad eyes he grabbed my hands and hugged me hard as if I was dying now at the second  ''why did she leave me'' I asked drying in his shoulder ''I want her back so bad'' I said ''I know hun I know I do to but we can't help what happen'' he said I could tell my dad was trying so hard to stay strong his whole entire life all he did was stay strong for us. ''is she sleep'' Kelsey asked I was now in my bed laying there I looked around and saw how I tore everything up and ripped so much stuff I hated this feeling I just lost a friend and at that I was traumatized FLASH BACK: ''OH MY GOSH SOME ONE HELP HIM THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE'' I screamed as I looked at my bloody hands and the bloody clothes on me I was scared I was now looking at the lifeless body of my friend Mark Emilia was trying to get loose from her brothers grip kentrel was having it worst this was his best friend he was watching everything crumble he lost me and his friend'' FLASHBACK OVER: that was the worst birthday ever everything went form good to bad now it's like things won't get any better right after I broke up with kentrel I came home and felt lost I knew this was a bad idea going out with my bestfriend now we ain't nothin I took a deep breath and closed my eyes and went to sleep. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP I heard my alarm go off I laid up on my bed just sitting there I had no energy I hardly could open my eyes at that it was school and I was not in for it I wasn't ready to face my friends I wasn't ready to face Kentrel at that either I got up and stepped over the mess that I made I went to the bathroom and got ready. I went in my closet and  picked out my gray hoodie and some sweat pants I put them on and looked over myself in the  mirror I had bags under my eyes my hair was a mess and my clothes where baggy but I didn't care I took a breath and put the hoodie over my head and left my room I went out and everybody looked at me I waved and went out the door walking to school. I was in the hall taking all the prom posters down I wasn't doing it anymore I took them and threw them away. I was at my locker everybody was looking me I wanted to yell at them I wanted them to stop staring stop feeling sorry I don't want there pitty nobody does so stop I saw the girls come up to me and they didn't say anything I closed my locker and went by mark locker I saw that people put flowers pictures his jersey and candles down there I felt tears coming down my face I then felt Emilia and Angela hug me I knew Emilia was hurting also she liked mark and for him to die was sad I heard people whispering and I looked up to see kentrel a couple of feet from me just looking at me he looked almost worst then me and I wanted to go and hug him but my body wasn't going to let me he then looked at the locker and went to it I didn't notice that he had flowers and a note in his hands till he put it down the letter was sealed  so if someone wanted to read it they would have to open it he got up and looked at me again before turning around and leaving I couldn't help but cry I turned around and went to the principle office. ''Queen you have to pull through this you and kentrel this is you guys last year and y'all over here just sad he wouldn't want that Queen'' she said eating her food I really didn't have a class until the end of the day due to me being academically ready to graduate I blew a breath and sat up in the chair ''we was all post to graduate and be happy'' I told her while I played with my nails ''listen Queen y'all are still graduating what you do is what you do I get it we are upset to hear that a student and a friend has past but I don't think he would want anybody sad trust me I know about the whole lost a friend or family situation I defiantly know about yours I've watched you come here and make a difference you don't see people any different then what they are you are a spectacular student and a good person you been through a lot of things and you are strong to leave it behind all I have to say is that you make what comes next and it's your decision love'' she said I sat there and took in what she said I was sad and I was depressed and I didn't know what to do at this point I was in a point that I just didn't care anymore this was the life that we have I got up and left. I was waiting for Ang to meet me outside and she came ''hey'' was all she said I took my hoodie off and looked at her ''Ang I need to tell you something'' I told her she grabbed my hand and took me over to the bench I took a deep breath I felt like I was going to throw up ''Ang as you know my mom died of a disease that couldn't be cured'' I said she shook her head ok I continued ''when I was born I was healthy my mom at the time condition was getting worst and when she got pregnant with lay it got worst and we couldn't do anything about it doctors couldn't find out either to why the condition was getting worst not only was it getting bad they where saying that it was a small percent that lay would make it also months later in to it and I stated to get sick it was night and I woke up out my sleep to see I was coughing up blood they heard and ran in my dad grabbed me and told my mom to call the ambulance but instead my mom didn't she stood there looking she turned around and went in her room to only appear seconds later with a pill bottle in her hand she took a pill out and handed to me and told me to take it don't chew but swallow it honey it's ok just take this I was still coughing up blood I was scared so I took it, thirty minutes passed and I was better I was still in my dad arms I saw my mom on the floor crying and I guess that was the day they found out that I had what my mom had we went to the doctors to see if it was true and  it was they gave me a couples years to live but if I took the same pills my mom had it would slow the condition down I felt like my dad and mom had to worry about me now they would watch me in nights and in days to make sure I was ok I took the medicine everyday  and it was days when I would have full blown seizures and they couldn't do anything about just a month ago I think I had a seizure and foam was coming out my mouth and lay saw it'' I was now crying I saw Ang was also crying she really never knew about this she wiped her tears and mines also I continues with the story ''when she saw me she was screaming for help lay had never seen me like that and I could tell from me hearing her like that I was heart broken I was post to be the one to make her never witness that mom already died and she was now losing me what I'm trying to say is I wanted to be great in everything so I could take all the pain and stuff it down and focus on other things at the end of the day I'm going to die either way it goes'' I started to laugh and the look and her face was as if she was telling me that this isn't funny I stopped and took a breath ''I actually wrote you and kentrel letters so when I die you would have something'' I looked at her and she hugged me I hugged back I was tired of crying I wanted to stop and I need to except my faith and deal with it. Right after the talk I had with Ang I told her to not tell ken and that ill tell him when I felt like it I was walking home when I decide to stop and go some where real quick I walked for 30 minutes to a cemetery I walked in and sat down in front of the tomb I read it ''here lye Addison a beloved wife, friend, and mother she cared for others when nobody cared at all'' I read I always wanted to now what that meant my dad told me that one day she told him to put that on her tomb stone till this day we don't know why but I read it again then I dawned on me when she said that it meant that when she cared for someone they didn't care for it and that there where people who just didn't care about anything I looked up  at the sky and started to talk ''I wish you where here to see what's going on for so long I hated myself because I couldn't help myself I felt weak I had to put on a act to others and had to tell them that I was ok when I wasn't my whole entire life I couldn't help them pills are just not it anymore I wish you where here to see me walk down the stage of my graduation you would be proud of me I'm academically successful as my teachers say I have so much colleges looking at  me crazy ain't it I became captain of cheer I ran for prom queen I don't know if I want to though I might just stop oh yeah I forgot......... me and kentrel where together but not anymore he have a child and up top of that our friend died'' I said still looking at the sky I laid down on the ground and closed my eyes and said ''I forgive you''  before drifting to sleep. I woke up to fell that someone was carrying me I instantly got scared until I saw it was kentrel I didn't say anything I just looked at him then I decided to say something ''kentrel we need to talk'' I said he stop and had put me down he sat on the side walk he wasn't looking at me at all I sat down and stared at him ''I don't know what to say all I have to say is that this whole situation is fucked up why didn't you tell me is all I wanted to know but instead you lied straight to my face'' I said nothing ''do you still love me'' he said it caught me off guard ''I just wanna know do you still love me do you think that we could ever get pass this and get back together'' I paused and looked ahead do I love him? Do I still care for him? ''I have love for you ken but I don't think I could be with you ken I'm sorry I care for you but going back out with you I just can't'' I told him I got up and left I felt so much better I felt like a weight was lifted from my chest maybe I never loved ken maybe I was still in a bestfriend zone with him and I just stayed there and never realized it till now I smiled to myself and went home.