To Love and Lost

Kentrel pov

''I have love for you ken but I don't think I could be with you ken I'm sorry I care for you but going back out with you I just can't'' I heard her say and when she got up and left I started to cry I've been crying non stop I would go to the trap and cry that's all what I did I been trying so hard but nothing I want queen back and I messed it up I'm in a dark place right now I had the best thing and I messed up I ruined my life it felt like. I was walking home when I thought about today I was walking in the school to see queen taking down posters of the prom queen thing I took a breath and walked away. I hated my self I walked in to only see the twins and Durian sitting on the couch I looked at them Emilia got up and went to the guest room I signed ''aye ken let me talk to you real quick'' Durian said getting up and going outside I walked outside and sat on the steps ''get a hold of yourself you look terrible your bringing everybody down with this sadness'' he said I didn't care nobody was feeling my pain ''I get it you lost someone we all have suck it up bruh I'm tired of looking at the group sad I'm tired of looking at my sad sister I'm tired of it get y'all shit together'' he said going back inside. I was at queen window decided if I should go and knock she had her light on so I was able to see in there, her room was a mess paper clothes and her trophies where down there broke up to she was sitting on the floor with a ripped up paper in her hand and something else in the other I knocked on the window and when I did she jumped she put whatever that was in her hand somewhere he came to the window and hesitated to open it but she opened it anyway and stepped aside so I could come in ''Hey'' I said in a low tone she waved at me with a tight smile I went to where all the mess was and sat there on the floor picking up some of the stuff up I looked at her while she came and sat down she still had the ripped pieces of paper that was in her hand I held my hand out and she looked at it before hesitating to put it in my hand I took it and looked at it, it was a picture of her mom  I decided to piece everything together and it was her and her mom I wonder why would she tear this up she loved her and why tear this up I heard sniffling and looked up and queen was crying ''I didn't mean it I didn't want to end her like this I loved that picture and I ripped it up'' she said crying I grabbed her hand but she snatched it out of my grasp ''I was so mad and I was so hurt I blamed her for everything and I was literally begging for her to come back but the anger I had build up was killing me and I didn't know how to handle it'' she said I didn't know what to do everything that has happened was because of me and I couldn't do anything queen was hurt and I felt like I was broken and lost not just from life but from everybody I wanted to hug her but I didn't think she would want one at the moment I took all the pieces and put them on the floor and started to put them back together I asked her if she had some tape and she got up and handed me some I taped the picture and handed it to her ''it's not the best but it's together'' I told her she gave me a weak smile and thanked me before going to her nightstand and putting it down and coming back over I took a breath and ''I've been in a dark place and I'm so used to coming to you and now I can't because of my stupid actions and I.... I want my bestfriend back we don't have to be together or anything but I want you back please queen'' I said pleading and I never plead to anybody but queens different she didn't say anything she took a breath and looked at me ''I don't know kentrel you lied to me and the lie was that you had a child I can't do it I wanted to be your first I wanted be your first in anything but I'm just here I guess'' she told me I took my phone out and showed her picture ''this kid is my child and no matter what I'll be there for her Queen I won't deny it I love this little girl to death because she's my own blood I would do anything to keep her safe'' I said holding it to her face ''and I get that I'm not telling you to pick me or your child I'm just telling you that I won't feel comfortable with it I'm not being selfish but I'm scared of the thoughts what people would have, right now is not the perfect moment and I think we need space from each other is all I'm saying'' I just sat there, was this the end of our friendship was this the end of us I thought ''I came by because where not the only ones going through something queen out friends are to we all lost someone we cared for and the way we acting is stupid this the time where we need to be together and support each other'' I said getting up and leaving ''wait kentrel'' I heard he say I turned around and saw her walking up to me she hugged me I was shocked I thought she was going to talk to me and then she do this I hugged her back and it felt like we both needed this ''I'm sorry'' was all she said before I Interrupted her ''I'm sorry I should have told you about everything I was just scared of losing you but I guess it's to late'' I told her we pulled back and looked at her she gave me a small smile I gave her a small smile also ''I should go and talk to Emilia she isn't really talking to me'' I told her but I stopped ''do you need help with the mess'' I asked her she nodded and we cleaned her room up the trophies where broke but she could glue them up. I was now walking in the house and Durian and Emory was on the couch passed out sleeping I laughed and went to the back I was in front of the guest door and my heart felt like it was going to jump out my chest I'm the king pin and I'm nervous to open my little sister door I took a deep breath and knocked ''come in'' she said I came in and looked around to only see her sitting on the floor she rolled her eyes ''never mind don't come in'' she said looking at her phone I came in anyway and sat on the floor right beside her she was looking at a picture of her and Mark and guilt flushed through my whole body I rubbed my face and looked at her ''I don't want an apology your apology can't bring him back'' she said well damn can I speak ''well I was going to apologize but it seems like that wont happen, look Emilia I wish I could take the pain and I knew how close you two where I just don't know what I can do your locking yourself up and it's not good. Mark is gone so deal with it'' I told her she snapped her head at me ''deal with it DEAL WITH IT I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH IT IM SAD BECAUSE ETHE BOY I LIKED IS DEAD I FEEL LIKE IM GOING CRAZY AND I CANT DO NOTHING ABOUT IT AND YOUR TALKING AS IF HE WAS SOMEONE SPECIAL TO YOU HE WAS YOUR BESTFRIEND AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS DEAL WITH IT'' she yelled at me ''YES I CAN YOU KNOW WHY BBECAUSE I KNOW WITHOUT A FACT THAT HE WOULD HATE FOR US TO BE FIGHTING AND BEING SAD I KNEW HIM I KNEW EVERYTHING AND I HATED THAT HE DIED BUT I CANT GO BACK IN TIME AND STOP HIM FROM DYING AND IF I COULD TRUST ME I WOULD BUT I CANT SO SUCK IT UP YOU HAVE A LIFE YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO GO FOR BUT YOU RATHER STAY IN HERE AND CRY COME ON EMILIA YOU'RE THE CAPTAIN OF THE CHEER TEAM SO GET IT TOGETHER'' I yelled right back at her she looked at her phone ''let him go Emilia he's gone'' I told her she had tears running down her face now she moving her thumb above the delete button she then deleted the picture of them and looked at me ''your right I just need to let go and move on'' she said I nodded and turned around to leave ''kentrel''  I heard her so I turned around ''thank you and I know this is harder on you than anybody else'' she said I gave her a small smile and left. I was in my room and I was laying in bed I got up and went to my night stand and opened the draw and took out a photo that all of us was in I was hugging queen and she was laughing Mark was holding Emilia from the back and smiling Emory was shooting a bird and Durian had a fuck it expression Angela was smiling and praise was on Angela back I was smiling at the picture and how funny everybody was posing I took the photo and decide to  make a group chat I named it MILLON if your confused it stands for ''Mark interesting life lives on'' I texted the group chat saying meet me at the cemetery on Jess. Street I got up and put some clothes on. I was standing in front of a tomb that read all ways in our hearts a beloved son and a beloved friend I smiled at it I turned around and saw everybody was here ''I just want to say that we all where apart of his life even though he was an ass and sometimes a stupid bastard he was always there and if he was standing her right now he would be like Well damn nigga stop walking around so sad you ain't dead yet'' I said laughing a little ''he was my bestfriend every bad thing I did growing up he was there if I got caught he got caught to all I have to say is rest in peace you deserve a good after life'' I said sitting down the photo of all of us everybody came around me and hugged me they where right this was harder for me because we where close he was like my brother I was trying to make everybody ok after his death but I was the one suffering inside also I had to keep it straight for everyone but tonight I was letting it go rest in peace Mark my brother and my friend.