AFTER THERE'S YOU // ZESSA

Chapter 42: Forgiveness

I pull into my parking spot and turn off the engine, unsure of what to do. Looking back towards the elevator doors, I double check my eyes are not playing tricks on me. Staring back at me with wide, somber eyes and red hair blowing slightly in the breeze, is she waiting for me.

I grab my target shopping bag and backpack before slamming the door as I make my way to the elevator. I cannot even look at Steph – my emotions too wild to form a sentence.

"Tessa" she says quietly, gauging my response as I press the elevator button behind her.

"Please, just listen to what I have to say" she says, her voice desperate as she grabs my hand.

Yanking it away, I answer, "Why should I? What is there to say Steph?" before she tucks her hand into her pocket.

"I want to apologize for everything and explain myself. Will you please just give me a few minutes to do that?" she pleads, the worry lines in her forehead creasing together, as I notice the hot pink cast around her foot and ankle.

I look around, contemplating if I should hear her out as I take in a deep breath. Does it matter if I hear Steph's apology or reasoning? Do I still want her around after everything? Could we still be friends? Closing my eyes, I breathe out and make my decision.

"Fine" I say, my voice low and finite. I turn and head towards the stairs that lead to the apartment courtyard. Steph follows without another word, her casted foot thumping behind me.

I take a seat on the wooden bench and look out at the people walking by. They seem so happy, just another evening after work or school, headed home for another relaxing meal.

Steph takes a seat next to me and suddenly I envy them. I have not felt that sense of normalcy in a long time – and I have a feeling today will not be any different.

Turning to her while slightly annoyed, I say, "Okay. Talk," crossing my arms and waiting for her to speak.

Steph takes in a deep breath, closing her eyes as she sucks in through her nose, then slowly starts to let it out. Opening her eyes, she looks at me with a sorrowful expression before beginning her ramble.

"I'm sorry. I want you to know how sorry I am. For everything. Starting with the night Hardin hurt you. I should have believed you. I should have listened when you said it was him who broke the lamp and caused you to fall, instead of believing his stupid frat brothers, or Dan. You were my friend and I let you down that night, I should have been better," she explains, tears welling in her eyes halfway through.

"I just did not want to piss off Tristan anymore than I already had. We had been fighting the few weeks before that. I kept getting jealous and accusing him of not loving me or wanting someone else. And that night, the night I ran up and found you all bloody, I was so scared for you Tessa. Really, I was," she says, grabbing my hand, tears flowing down her face, leaving a pale trail where her bronze makeup used to be. I let her hold my hand, my heart softening a bit at her display of earnest regret.

"I should have sided with you – I know you would never lie. I just didn't want Tristan to be mad at me for believing you or causing more drama. No one believed you and they said you were crazy. I didn't want to be called crazy either. I took the easy route and I shouldn't have," she says through sobs, looking up at me with trembling lips and red, runny nose.

"And that's why I didn't talk to you afterwards either. I knew in my heart you were right, but I didn't want to acknowledge it. It wasn't until the night before I saw you last that I told Tristan what you said. He said I should have believed you – I should have been your friend instead of bowing out to spare his feelings. So, I went to see you..." she says, her eyes glazing over as she turns to stare into the distance at the golden, setting sun.

"I didn't know your friend would be there. I wanted to apologize to you, a true sincere apology, but couldn't. And I knew I couldn't apologize with her just sitting there, so I started to freak out. I had this whole speech planned and I couldn't tell you. I went to the bathroom to think about what to do and call Tristan, since he helped me sort out my feelings about our friendship and all my miss steps. And by the time I came back..." she says, choking out the last few word as she looks down at her hands in her lap.

I turn away from her, staring at the horizon as well while I process the load of information she has just unloaded on me. Her apology seems sincere, and I know Steph has trust issues when it comes to Tristan. She always puts him first, a quality I do not particularly enjoy in her, but it explains her coldness towards me after the incident at the frat party.

"Then why haven't I seen you since Hanya died," I ask bluntly, turning back to see her.

"Because" she breathes, eyes black with smeared mascara, "I knew it was my fault."

I stare back blankly, Steph's eyes filled with tears and guilt.

"Steph...it wasn't your fault" I tell her, placing a hand on her bare shoulder.

"It was," she sobs, "I told you I wanted to talk, and you went there. And you brought a friend. I am the reason you were both there that night."

Biting my lip cheek to hold back tears, I say, "No, Steph. You were not. We were already going there before you texted me. I just invited you after the fact."

She seems stunned, blinking a few times, mouth agape and brows furrowed in confusion.

"But... so..."

"So, it wasn't your fault. And it wasn't Hanya's for suggesting the location, and it wasn't her boyfriends for canceling their date. And it wasn't even mine for making her stay when you showed up," I say, my cheeks wet and voice shaking.

It is the first time I have admitted to myself, out loud, that Hanya's death was not my fault. And for the first time, I am actually starting to believe it.

"I'm so sorry Tessa," is all Steph can manage to get out before bursting into tears and reaching towards me with open arms.

I let her embrace me, hugging her back and letting the tears of guilt leave my body, while I finally forgive my friend, and forgive myself.