Restart

Chapter 5. Uncertainty

Her p.o.v
I am packing all of my things in that new suitcase that doesn't even really belong to me. I am mad at myself for not pushing more food in my mouth and not taking a pill to help me relax the countless nights I was left fighting with nightmares only to spend most of their duration awake, too afraid to fall back to sleep.
I am trying to organize my thoughts and get my mind around everything that's happened to me since I first stepped my foot in this country. I am resorting here as a last attempt to run away from everything and everyone back home, wanting to restart my life, with so many things to run away from and try to get over and done with.
I already failed to attend my new job's starting date and my rescheduled appointment to the head of HR department, to present the proof of my mishap, is in two weeks' time, as he is away on a trip. They said that no one was available to review my hospital papers any sooner than my scheduled appointment and hung up the phone. What will I be doing until then? Would I lose my job before I even got started therefore be forced to go back to UK?
I don't want to go back. I left England and came here to start fresh, to give myself a chance to heal from all the pain my shattered heart was feeling nonstop. I didn't want to feel like this and I did try to fight it, but I was still like a walking zombie after all those months and I would find death so enticing at times, thinking of it as an atonement for my horrible life. So with me being depressed, mute, anorexic and suicidal, the only thing reminding me that I wasn't dead yet, was my heartbeat and my chest moving up and down while I breathe. Sometimes, I had to really focus on that regular physiological process, just to convince myself that I really was still alive. That's when I inhale as much air as I can and try to keep it in for a good time before I exhale.
Now back to reality. It's not that I was excited about this job, but I had to start from somewhere. I was originally notified as overqualified, after my online application and interview, when I then decided to ask to get in touch, directly to the head of recruiting department. I practically begged for the job and explained that if I didn't mind being overqualified and underpaid, they shouldn't either. They claimed that overqualified people tend to leave shortly after they get hired and they were looking for a long term contract.
I would be head of department in human resources and my job was to investigate and approve of the settlement people working on my department would offer as a resolution to all the employees demands or complaints. It would all be in writing, so when I played the mute card and explained how this job was ideal for me, they finally agreed. They told me something about their company supporting people with special criteria. Along with the hiring, came the accommodation and nutrition package, as they said they felt they should offer me more, me being so overqualified for the position. I don't think I am much of a good psychiatrist if I cannot even heal myself, but as long as they'll have me, I'll gladly take it, along with everything they have to offer.
"Miss Fay?" I look at the door to see who's calling as I don't recognise the voice. Not that I 've gotten the chance to know a lot of people these past five days I've spent in this hospital, but I look up to see a police officer asking for permission to enter the room.
"Yes?" I manage to say.
I was so surprised earlier, when I was again able to speak to my doctor, moments after that horrible man left my room accusing me of faking it, I think I was awakened by his verbal assault and finally realized that people here won't tolerate my messed up mind. I was relieved at first and then I was angry with myself as I regained my voice from the effect of that man's words on my ego and not from my reasoning. I knew my selective mutism was the outcome of a posttraumatic shock and the new shock I experienced at the airport was probably what set me free from it, so I am hoping this will be something I will leave behind me forever.
"I was notified from your physician to investigate your accident. I didn't come until now because I wanted you to fully recover before I take your statement."
While hearing the policeman, I can't stop wondering why didn't my doctor tell me she would notify the police.
Why would she even call them? I explained how my accident happened and how nobody had anything to do with it. Well, no one besides my own inability to care for my health and my basic human needs, that is. Probably she got the wrong idea because my behaviour is quite alarming, but she should have said something before notifying the police. Then again, she might have concluded that I was abused and wouldn't speak about it. Why do I keep expecting from people that don't know me to accept this alarming emotional mess that I am?
"I am only going to ask you a few questions". He says while writing something on a notebook he had in his hands.
Following, question after question he got an exact description of my whole day in that airport and just when I thought he would leave, he looks at me in the eyes for the first time and pauses his writing.
"I want to speak to the man that brought you in."
"But you can't. He left and I know nothing about him. As I told you he is a complete stranger, so please don't bother him about this."
That man was already very upset with me and I can't say I blame him. I felt embarrassed really.
"I have his contact information already and I will inform you if I need anything from you."
"NO! Please don't". I beg.
"Don't question him you mean? I am afraid I can't do that and especially now that I see you being so upset about it. Your doctor seems to believe that there might have been more than just an accident to what has happened to you. Are you sure he didn't hurt you Miss Fay? You seem very edgy since I brought him up."
"No. I promise you. He did nothing more than help me over and over as I already explained."
It was true. I didn't want to admit it to myself but I don't know what would have happened to me If I was left there in the middle of that airport road, with my head bleeding. He was rude to me, only because I came across as ill-mannered and ungrateful. I shouldn't expect from the world to know how messed up I am and simply accept the fact that my socializing is now basically nonexistent. I didn't mean to be so discourteous. I am just so nervous when it comes to be around other people and especially men.
"Miss Fay?" the policeman brings me out of my thought.
"Sorry. I was just thinking of how much that man helped me and I don't want you to bother him again, as I already feel guilty for ruining his day."
He left the room just with a wave of his hand and I didn't get an answer to what I just asked of him. The minute he walks out, my doctor steps in and asks me if everything was ok. I decide not to question her about her decision to notify the police, just to end things there. I didn't want to make a bigger deal of this matter and I quickly nod yes to her, feeling so relieved as she finally signs my release papers saying I'm good to go.
I pick up my smartphone and google search for the hotel I booked. What if I lose the job, before even getting it? Maybe the deadline was because they had an alternative, like another person waiting as second in line. I am not worried about money, as I am quite comfortable financially, but I am worried sick to my stomach by the idea of going back ...home. Home? Where is that? I don't have a home anymore, as I had run away from what I used to call home and moved back to my mom's house where I've been living for the last six months.
I get a taxi and give him the hotel's address which is very close to the hospital. As I enter the lobby, this dark young man with hazel eyes, takes my luggage and gives me the brightest smile I've seen seen, relieving me from the weight by helping me up to my room.
I slide the card through the door's lock thanking him for his help, I tip him and close the door behind me, exhaling a deep breath I didn't know I was holding. I feel some sort of relief and I am left all alone in this dark hotel room replaying last week's events like a movie in my head, only pausing at that man's angry eyes and feeling regrets for not being to speak to him, resulting in his frustration.