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Chapter 66. Ego

Alexander's p.o.v.
If I knew she loved me, there is nothing I wouldn't do for her, but for Claire to doubt her own feelings, leaves me with nothing. I don't even want to have sex with Bella, so I apologize to her, book another room and give her money to go shopping which she throws in my face. She's definitely right to be mad at me, as I've done nothing less than to deprive her of any other people who actually wanted to spend the holidays with her, since I didn't even really want to be near her.
Of course it was Claire's fault, as she messed with my mind with what she did earlier. Why would she go to Ronan on Christmas Day to learn if I was with Bella or not, since I already told her. Obviously she didn't believe me as somehow I seem to have become a totally different person with her. I was so patient trying to give her space and constantly waiting for her to be ready, but this is who I am when I feel betrayed and vulnerable, so she now gets to experience this side of me as well.
Women are all liars because if they are not after your money, so that they will pretend to be all nice with you, they will definitely do something to hurt you as nothing can ever satisfy them. Why? I loved her... I love her... So this is how it feels like to be hurt and not being able to have what you long the most. This sucks! I spend an hour feeling miserable and drinking which only makes me more furious with myself and then I decide to call her, as I don't want her to think I slept with Bella, because I am afraid she would do something crazy like sleeping with Paul for revenge and that would truly be the end of us. He'd like that wouldn't he!
No she didn't! She blocked me from everywhere! Fuck. I knock on Bella's door to inform her that I'll take the next flight out back to New York and ask her if she wanted to go back as well. There isn't another flight until tomorrow, so I'll have to wait. I ask her to accompany me to dinner and give me the chance to explain everything to her, as I do feel that this time I crossed the line and owed her an explanation along with an apology.
We go to one of my favorite restaurants as I already had a reservation there for me and Claire. We actually talked in a very civilized way and she seemed to understand the reasons that led to my inexcusable behavior towards her. It's the first time I found myself enjoying her company and although I always knew she was a smart girl I never thought I could make a conversation with her, probably because I never tried to.
During takeoff, she falls asleep and I try to do the same, as this is a long flight and I am already jet lagged.
I drop Bella off to her house, giving her a hug and a kiss, thanking her for not hating me and we both promise to each other that we will try to remain friends. Next stop is Paul's place, but I am really disappointed to find no one's there. I hate to do this, but I have no other option than to call him, as I can't reach her in any other way. I know for sure if I called her from a number she didn't recognize she wouldn't answer as she would realize it's me.
"What could you possibly want from me?" He asks.
"I want to speak to Claire. Is she with you?"
"If you want to speak to Claire, why would you call me?"
"She blocked me and I really need to talk to her." I admit.
"Well, I am afraid I won't be able to help you as obviously she doesn't want to speak to you, so why would I force her to? Besides, she is not here with me."
"Listen, I know you probably hate me, but I swear to you I love this woman more than anything or anyone in this world so all I want is to tell her that, because things got out of control and I did and said things I regretted dearly."
"You don't say. Don't you think this is the reason why she doesn't want to speak to you?"
"Yes, but that's exactly why I need to talk to her. I came back the next day and I didn't do anything with that girl. I only did it out of despair, to make her feel as hurt and betrayed as I felt."
"And you are saying this to me, the man that loves her and is so excited to finally have a chance with her."
"Damn you Paul, don't do this to me. You don't love her like I do, she is my everything."
"Sorry man, but you can't possibly be further from the truth. I love her more than anyone could ever love someone and I waited three and a half months for a chance. So forgive me if I am not going to be all supportive with you wanting to take that away from me."
"So you admit loving her from the time you were treating her? You slime, isn't that unethical or something?"
"No, because that's exactly why I stopped treating her. You don't get to talk to me about ethics and anyway it was nice to chat, but I don't think there is anything else for us to say."
"Please I beg you, just tell her I want to talk to her one more time, or I'll come by your work next week and tell her myself, but pleaseee, I can't wait that long."
"I will put you on the 'not welcome' guest list and you won't be allowed up, so don't even try it, but ok I will tell her you want to talk to her. You see there is this thing in humans called free will, which I respect in contrary to you."
"Thanks, I appreciate it. I am suffocating without her and I messed up big time."
"You 've got some nerve saying that to me. You guys aren't together because she confessed she has feelings for me and you are asking ME to help you get in touch with her? You know what? It doesn't matter because even if she decides to give you a chance, you will always find a way to mess things up and I will always be there to pick up her pieces. She will be mine one day, I know she will and unlike you I will cherish her and treat her like she deserves to. Oh and in opposition to you, I don't mind waiting as she is so worth it man and that's how much I love her."
I feel my heart breaking and tears roll down my eyes. I punch the wheel with my hand and I feel the damage on my fragile wrist already.
I drive to Ronan to fix this. I will ask him to tell me everything about his meeting with her, hoping he'll eventually let me use his phone to contact her.
He is really upset with me for mistreating my hand like that and he tells me that if she blocked me, it means she doesn't want to talk to me so I should respect that and give her time.
I know he is not just upset with me only for being a total idiot and almost breaking my wrist again, but he is also very disappointed with my whole attitude and behavior towards Claire, so he makes it clear that he will always be on my side but this time I fucked up big time.
Thankfully I didn't break my wrist, so an orthopedic only wraps it with a bandage to keep it still for a while, since it was swollen and was starting to bruise already.
I am exhausted, so I drive back home to sleep, as there is nothing more that I can do. If she wants space I will give it to her, but I wanted her to know I didn't sleep with Bella and I came back, willing to wait for her once more for as long as she needed me to. Paul was right about that one, as I gave up on her too easily, which was purely an act caused by my wounded ego and not because I lost my feelings for her. I miss her so much it hurts. I am now thinking more clearly and I know I am not giving up on her yet. No way! I also know that's not who I am but I now realize I have changed and although it hearts like a bitch I know I can never go back.

Claire's p.o.v.
Time passes by very quickly as I was so busy with the apartment furnishing today, that I fell asleep on the couch by pure exhaustion, not even knowing what time it was when the phone rang and woke me up, but thankfully it was just Paul.
I thought that Alexander would find a way to contact me by now, but obviously he knew I wouldn't answer to an unknown number, so he didn't even try that, but then again maybe he didn't try to contact me at all and doesn't even know I blocked him.
He is surely busy showing Paris to that playboy model he took with him and having too much fun to even think of poor me. I must stop thinking like this, as he was pretty clear things were over between us and there is no way I will continue to torture my mind with these thoughts any longer.
The phone finally stops ringing, as I don't feel like talking to Paul, but then again I am thinking I am mistreating him and I call him back only a couple of minutes later.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Hi Claire, where are you? I returned early from holiday as I wanted to be with you."
"No Paul, please no. I don't want to ruin your holidays as well."
"You are not ruining anything as all I was thinking about anyway, was how much I wanted to see you."
"Please don't say that. I know Alexander told you I have feelings for you, but I only told him that because I wanted him to leave me alone."
"I knew you had feelings for me before that, but to be honest I didn't expect you to admit them to him and that has given wings to my poor heart."
"Paul, please don't get your hopes up, I love him still and I don't know how long it's going to take me to get over him."
"As long as it takes Claire. I am not him, I can wait, as I did all this time."
"Paul..."
"Just give me the address of your new apartment, I'd love to see it and I am pretty sure that's where you are, as it is pretty late."
I text him the address and I am hoping this is not going to be awkward. Should I give into him and see how this feels? Alexander is probably fucking Bella as we speak, so why not do the same? This new emotion I'm experiencing for the first time is driving me crazy! Is this jealousy? It only takes a couple of seconds to realize I am only thinking like this because I am hurt, so I try to push away my insane thoughts and be as calm and logical for whenever Paul gets here.