Restart

Chapter 22. A kiss

I am nervously walking up and down in the small space of my hotel room and I open the door every time I hear footsteps approaching. This time when I open it I finally see Alexander. He is wearing a white T-shirt with a pair of grey loose sweatpants. I never saw him in anything else but a dress shirt and formal trousers, or a full suit with a tie, so I immediately relax a bit as I feel he is more approachable.
"Ok, I am here." He says in a rather anxious voice.
"Let's sit down, shall we?" And this time I am the one to grab him by the elbow, not even thinking about it and I lead him to the couch.
"I really don't know where to start, but I know I have to tell you everything that was discussed over the phone with your father."
"My father? Where did he get your number, or was it you that called him? Did my driver give you his number?"
"No, hold on. Give me some time and I'll explain everything. He called me and to be honest I asked him the exact same thing, about how he got my phone number, but I didn't get an answer." Alexander is hanging from the tip of my mouth. I realize how stressful this is for him, so I reach for his hand, as I usually do when I am explaining or revealing something emotionally stressful or unpleasant to any of my patients that I am more intimate with. He looks at me directly in the eyes and refuses my hand.
"Now I know this is serious" he sighs.
I told him all there was to know about our conversation, trying not to leave anything behind, but I filter his father's harsh and rather offensive words, towards me and him and especially the part that he was saying Alexander looked at me in a sexual way and especially the 'sex toy' thing, that annoyed me the most.
He doesn't look as surprised as I thought he would, but his face expression gives away his pain and disappointment. I do feel sorry for him, as he was again betrayed by his own father. When I tell him about his driver being aware of his father's plans he just nods, as if he had already figured that out.
"Did you know anything about all this?"
He turns to me and from the sight of him I already knew the answer.
"I am so sorry to be the one to tell you." I save him from answering, letting him know I already got my answer.
"No, don't be! I am very thankful for that and I beg of you, never to hide anything from me. It does hurt me, but this is not the worst thing my father did to me, so nothing shocking about it. Also I know my father will always be my driver's boss, as he was originally his and he had then been reassigned to me and now I see why. A loyal employee looks a lot like a dog, as once they recognize a person as their master, that can never change. It took me so long to realize it, because he was so careful all the time, but now it all makes sense. He granted me his driver to control and monitor my every move, through him. Of course he did! He never trusted me enough, so he always had the upper hand in everything and interfered if he felt he had to and I can't tell you how very frustrating all this is for me."
I let him speak and take it all out of his system. I was looking at him in the eyes, letting him know I was paying attention to everything he was saying, but there was nothing I could do to ease his pain and feeling of betrayal. He didn't say anything else though, because he was now having difficulty in controlling his emotions, as it was obvious he was trying to hold his anger and hurting all to himself.
He then does something completely unexpected and grabs my face with the palms of his hands and he kisses me, but this time it wasn't a quick kiss that barely brushed my lips like the one before. This time he was really kissing me and I immediately pushed him away, while getting up from the couch.
"Listen, I know I didn't say anything when you kissed me before, but honestly I assumed this is a habit you picked up in France and didn't think much of it, but I was planning to let you know I didn't want to be this intimate with you. Nevertheless this wasn't a friendly kiss at all and I want you to tell me, when did I lead you on or left you thinking it's ok to kiss me, or why would you think I even wanted you to."
"I didn't really think this through, I found comfort in your eyes and I felt like you are a person that I can trust, for a change, so it was more of a reflex. I am sorry for disturbing you like that, I didn't mean to be disrespectful and I promise I won't do it again. Please don't let this get in the way of a friendly relationship between us, as it was really only a kiss charged with necessity of affection, from this rejection I just had from the people I trusted."
"Are you sure you are not a psychologist or something? You just pretty much did your own psychological analysis, to explain what caused your spontaneous reaction." And by saying this, I smile at him, showing him I believe him and I am ok with what happened, as long as he keeps his promise.
"I forgot to tell you I informed your driver that I would be the one to take his place, because I wanted him to let me drive back to the hotel, but he refused. I am sorry, but I thought he already knew of your decision."
"Uhm... I didn't really mean it back then. Do you really want to be my driver? You are a doctor for Christ's sake." He awkwardly points out.
"What do you mean you didn't really mean it?" With this words, I let him see how offended I was.
"Well, Claire lets be honest here. You could do so much better and significantly more important things than drive me around, even if you think this would be good for your little...I don't know, psychological experiment."
"How dare you?"
"Oh, come on! You know you wouldn't last long! I wouldn't like to have to change my driver again in a couple of weeks. Besides I've got a better proposition for you."
"Oh, no you don't! I've had enough propositions for the night."
"No! Hear me out. I am thinking of creating a position for you, that I feel it will improve the general mood between the people working in the company and lead to a better performance, because I learned, during my studies in business administration, that a happy employee leads to an effective employee with much higher performance. So I will give you an office and you can be your actual self, doing exactly what you worked so hard for."
"You don't get to tell me, what my actual self wants to do and my answer is no! I am in no position right now, to deal with other people's issues and most certainly I don't think I can be much of a help to them, when I myself, am fighting with depression and anxiety." And by saying that, I feel the tears running down my cheeks.
"Please don't cry, I am only trying to help you, but you are so damn difficult to deal with. I rarely seem to say the right thing to you. I don't know how to act around you and this is new to me."
"That's the problem. You don't need to act in specific way when you are around me. Just be yourself and speak with honesty. I don't like it when people are trying to manipulate me. Believe me it's not going to work."
"That's not what I am doing! Claire please, I've had enough for one night. I don't think I can handle your unfair accusations as well as all the other shit I have to deal with."
He backs out a couple of steps while sliding his fingers through his hair, slightly pulling it and I understand his frustration is over the limits. He had one hell of a night and I do realize I must go softer on him, but I am too caught up in my own sensitive weaknesses and emotional storm, that all I manage to do as a reaction to his frustration is to throw myself in his arms, in a pathetic attempt to hide, as I don't want him to see me braking down in tears, which is stupid because that would definitely be less confusing for him rather than me burying my face in his chest...again!
"I am so sorry! This is exactly why I can't exercise my duties as a psychiatrist at the moment and nor will I be for a while. I am too sensitive, emotionally crippled and too hurt to be able to control my own feelings. This meeting was supposed to be about you and here I am crying like a baby, selfishly making this about me again! I am very upset right now and I realize you don't know what damaged me in this way, to make excuses for me acting like this, but I can't help it."
I feel his hands wrapping around my back and tightening and I feel even more stupid, if that's even possible.
"And please don't take this the wrong way. I am mostly hiding here. I am not hugging you." By saying that I push his arms away and remove myself from his warm embrace.
"Also, I don't think working together is going to work either. Not even as your driver, because this became too... much. I think we should say goodbye as this is too complicated and it wasn't what I had in mind when I decided I wanted to start over. I also believe it would make your life much easier, since your father seems to consider me as a threat he needs to get rid of."
"No Claire! This is too important to me! I can't let him win. Please don't decide on it tonight. It was an emotional and very intense night for the both of us. If you leave now, he will win and I will always be a 'foolish boy' to him. Not to mention the part where I have to get married to a woman I've never even seen."
I turn my face away. I didn't want to admit it to him, that the reason I can't work for him, was because I felt butterflies in my stomach, from that kiss earlier and that scared the shit out of me. I thought all my 'butterflies' died from poisoning caused by my toxic misery. I wasn't dead after all, this was partially the reason I couldn't hold my tears. This was all too much for me to bear and I just couldn't control my emotions anymore. Shame on me, as he did eventually managed to control his just fine.
I promised myself I wouldn't be emotionally involved with another man any time soon and in all honesty, I thought I could never again be able to, but this man woke up feelings that I thought were all brutally slaughtered and didn't know I could experience again.
Maybe I should work for him after all. I might never give in to him or to my feelings, but only because he has brought me out of my post traumatic shock without even trying I should consider keeping him close by, as there seem to be an inexplicable connection between us, that had awakened me from the emotional coma I was in.
"I don't know. Could I please sleep on it? I am exhausted and I am not thinking clearly."
"Can I kiss you goodnight on the cheek?" He is making an obvious joke, in an attempt to lighten things. I cross my hands and frown half smiling, making him laugh, while walking away.