Restart

Chapter 36. The realization

Claire's p.o.v.
I wake up with my eyes feeling swollen obviously from all the crying and I get up to take a shower. I didn't want to leave him alone last night, not even for a minute, so I stayed here with him, even though I said I wanted to take things slowly, I knew he needed me to be here for him.
I am feeling refreshed and much better after the shower and I move to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast for us, as yesterday breakfast was the only thing we both ate for the whole day.
I hear the water in the shower and I know he is up and I am thinking of how to face him today, while I am preparing the coffee, that I so desperately need. It's Tuesday and I call Alicia to ask her about his schedule for the day. I was saving the routes when he comes in the kitchen unshaved, wearing casual clothes and looking worse than yesterday.
"Good morning." I tell him with a soft smile on my face.
"Is it?" He asks.
I knew he would be very hurt from all this, but he even looked worse than what I expected.
"It will be." I tell him, in much determination. "You should get dressed, as I already spoke with Alicia and you have a busy schedule for the day."
"I won't go in today, I can't work. For the first time in eight years, I will take the day off, as I need to go somewhere."
"Where? I'll take you."
"No, I need to go there alone. My father gave me the letter and I want to be near my mother, when I read it. Well, what's left of her that is." He makes an awkward smile that is causing me so much pain.
I wasn't the only one with a disturbed past and I was well aware of that, as although I wasn't yet an experienced psychiatrist, I knew everyone had problems. Everyone! Some worse than others, but for the person who actually had them, their own problems seemed and were experienced as the worst.
What a traumatized childhood my Alexander had. I knew rich people had more problems than the poor but he was living a lie all this time, blaming his father for the death of his mother, while she was equally to blame. I can't imagine what this has done to him but I will be here to stand by his side, not as a psychiatrist, but as a friend.
"I am not letting you do this alone. I am taking you and I will stay in the car."
He doesn't say anything while picking on the food in his plate. I stop eating as well and make a noise putting my utensils down.
"I am not eating either, if you don't force down some of that breakfast. I know you can't eat, but only a couple of bites will do the trick." I tell him unable to contain my tears as I remember how hard it was for me to swallow a much needed bite, not long ago.
"Please don't cry." He says while taking me in his arms, kissing my forehead. "I'll be alright, I just need some time." He continues in the softest voice possible, while caressing my chick.
"I know, but I also know how difficult this is for you and it kills me, that you are hurting so much, as I know how it feels not to be able to swallow a single bite, or sleep without suffering from despair and pain."
"I know you do and this is why I wanted you there with me. I don't want any secrets between us and I knew I couldn't keep this from you. I also know eating is an issue for you but it's not for me, don't worry about that, thank you for making this, but I can't eat right now."
"How did she actually do it? Your mom I mean."
"She overdosed."
"What? She was also a drug addict?"
"No, it was the first and last time. It was the way she chose to die, as maybe she thought this would be easier on her, or that she would feel happy even for a minute before leaving this world. I did my research on her death when I grew older, through a friend that is a doctor and I asked my father the same thing, that's why I know she wasn't using." And suddenly I see anger in his face as if a bell rang warningly in his mind.
"Ronan! He knew she was sick. Why didn't he tell me?"
"Ronan? I know that name. That's the doctor who called me to..." I stop talking and my mind feels like it's going to explode. 1+1=2 and I feel like a complete jerk. He sees that and his eyes are revealing the panic that has taken over him.
"Claire, I can explain everything! That stupid doctor of yours wouldn't tell me if you were ok as she thought I was abusing you and I was so worried about you."
I am already crying hearing this, because the shock of betrayal was too much for me to handle as I hear him going on.
"Ronan also works at that hospital and I asked for his help because I had to find you again and make sure you were ok."
"Make sure I was ok, or make sure I would help you with your little issue concerning your father and Mr. Yang?" I managed to point out.
"I am not going to lie to you, that was what I said to myself I was doing, but now I know it was more than that, I just couldn't understand at the time what was drawing me to you in such force. I couldn't find a logic to me wanting to see you again so badly and make sure you were ok. Please believe me, I swear I am telling you the truth."
"I thought you were always telling me the truth. You had someone to stick a needle in me with no reason whatsoever, so you can appear later 'by chance' acting all cool and innocent."
"I am so sorry, I know it's all terrible what I did, but I couldn't think of another way to reach you. I even tried to manipulate a nurse I knew into giving me any information that could lead to you, but she refused."
"Well, maybe if you were kinder to me back then, I would have given you my phone number myself."
"You know damn well that's not the case. Especially with how you were at the time. Nevertheless I think this was part of the reason why I wanted to see you again, as I wanted to make things right. Do you remember when I said I wanted to apologize? It was all true. Everything was true, I swear it to you! Please, I need you to believe me, as I can't bear the thought of you hating me for this. We will fix this. No, I will fix this!"
"You said today you will have the day off, so that means I can also have the day off. I will see you tomorrow morning."
"No please don't leave me. Not today!"
"Why not? You said you wanted to do this alone anyway, so there you go!" I coldly say, unable to act selflessly after everything I just found out.
By that I leave his apartment, only to burst into tears the moment that elevator door closes. I am now laying in my bed and I am crying returning back to the state I was before, when I was back in London. This is all too familiar and I don't care anymore, as I welcome the pain that I feel I needed to embrace at the moment. I take the alarm clock from the night stand next to me and I smash it to the wall, when I catch myself thinking of him and of what he is going through today. That's who I am...always thinking of the others before me. It's why I became a psychiatrist the first place, as I always felt I wanted to help people dealing with their issues, seeing how many were suffering and strangling with the reality or even the illusion of their own emotions.
I know today is hard on him and it aches my heart to have abandoned him like that, but this was too much for me to overlook, only because the timing was wrong. My God, I can't believe he would do such a thing! What else did he lie to me about? Would I ever be able to trust him again?"
Before I know it, I am in a taxi on my way to the hospital, as I didn't want to drive the limo there. He had already left, as his car was missing and once more I feel guilty for abandoning him like that.