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Chapter 64. Christmas

Alexander's p.o.v.
Why the fuck would she kiss him back? Is that a standard method to treat people who are afraid of closed spaces? She doesn't know I could see everything in the elevator from the security man's camera, so I must take advantage of that, to see how honest she actually is with me. That stupid wuss, how can someone be afraid of getting stuck in an elevator with the woman he supposedly loved? I would be thrilled if something like that happened to me and I would consider it as an opportunity to make my move on her. Or was that what he was doing, in a completely fucked up way?
But why did she kiss him? She kissed him back and it was too obvious to question what I saw, but I'm not going to make the same mistake I did with that personal trainer of hers and this time we will calmly talk about it when she gets home. I can't think of an excuse but I'm hoping she has a good one.
*Claire? Our flight leaves in four hours. Where are you?*
*O.M.W.* Her short text tells me she is driving, so I make her a cup of coffee.
She knocks on the door shortly after that and I let her in.
"Why won't you use your own key? This is your home as well."
"No it's not! I am buying an apartment of my own."
"What? In New York? Claire I asked you before, but you never answered. How rich are you?"
"It's not my money, it was my dad's."
"And you said you also bought a car? I own like ten cars, why would you buy another. This feels like you are breaking up with me all over again."
"No, that's not true, I just want to be independent."
"Look, we can talk about everything on the plane. I don't want us to lose our flight and honestly getting away with you for a while is what I want the most right now."
"He kissed me while we were in the elevator and I kissed him back." She suddenly confesses.
"I know!" I admit looking away.
"How? The kiss was interrupted before the doors slide open."
"There is a camera in the elevator and I was watching you for more than fifteen minutes."
She says nothing and turns around walking away from me.
"What? Is that it? You have anything to say?" I demand.
"You want the truth?"
"Always."
"I knew that he did it out of anxiety, but I didn't mind. I... I was actually also thinking about it and I am not sure it was just to help him overcome his panic attack, as it was something I thought of doing... several times."
"What? What are you telling me Claire, that you have feelings for him?"
"I honestly don't know. All I know is that I love you more than anything but the time we spent apart generated some feelings for Paul that I can't really define. I don't know if it's just sympathy or something more. I am so confused and I hate doing this to you, but I need time."
"Oh you do? Fine! Mary Christmas love!" I say ironically and leave the apartment, slamming the door to her face.
I am so hurt and I feel betrayed, as I've done nothing more than to love her and try to make her happy. Fuck it! I don't deserve this. I was fine with Bella and the others, why did I allow myself to get so deeply involved and attached to her? So that she could hurt me?
I don't need this in my life and I sure as hell won't take it. I am not into games and I already gave her the world, so if that's not good enough for her, she can go to whoever the fuck she wants and do whatever the fuck she likes, as long as I don't see her face again.

Claire's p.o.v.
Great! Just great. I knew I was too emotionally messed up to be in a relationship, but I don't know how did I go from being emotionally dead to love one man and at the same time have feelings for another. I sit on the floor and lay it all out. The tears are quietly rolling down my cheeks and my heart is aching for all three of us. Paul has been absolutely amazing since day one and is now making me question my love for Alexander, whom I have just sent away from me and by that I broke my own heart. What a mess.
I get up, pick up my things and head towards Paul's apartment. The sun is out, so I decide to take a walk instead of going upstairs, as I need to clear up my head. I call the real estate lady to schedule a new appointment for the apartment viewing and she told me she was available now so I am going there to meet her instead, not questioning her willingness to work on Christmas Eve. One moment I am entering that door and the other I am signing the contract papers. I was instantly in love with the interior and especially the glass wall that is in the living room, revealing a view of the city that eases my mind.
"This is it Claire." She told me after handing her the deposit.
"I will pay for the whole amount as soon as I transfer the money from the U.K." I tell her.
"No worries, you have until February to sort this out."
Did I really do this? I have my own place and this feels so good as I won't have to depend on anyone anymore. This was exactly what I needed after this awful day and honestly I just want to spend Christmas here alone.
"My home!" I say to myself and I smile.
I go to Paul's place next, to pick up my things but a surprise awaits me when I enter the apartment. Alexander is sitting there with Paul. My heart is racing and I don't know what to make of this. They both notice my surprise and Paul approaches me first.
"Claire, Alexander came here to tell me you are off the hook and I can do as I please as far as he is concerned. Is that only how much he loves you? Is he not fighting for you just because you kissed a friend who was in despair?" Paul's harsh words are like a stab to the heart.
"He is telling the truth. I think Paul is a good guy and you can be happy together as I am not willing to 'give time'. I waited forever for you to get over your anxiety and depression, so I think I am done here, as I won't wait for you to see if I am good enough to love and I sure as hell won't be in a position where I compete with another man."
"Alexander..." I whisper.
"I gave you everything and obviously it wasn't good enough so you better move on cause I know I am."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, that's not any of your business love! Oh... by the way he didn't know you had feelings for him so I told him to save you two lovebirds some time. Now if you both excuse me, I have a plane to catch."
"You are going alone?"
"No, I am taking someone with me, who is sure about her feelings, although I never gave her nothing more than sex. Maybe it's time to change that."
"You'll take Bella with you to France? Have you been seeing her again?"
"No, but when I asked she said her bag was already packed so get out of my way, because I don't want to miss my flight."
And he leaves... Taking my heart with him, leaving me with a hole, just like I was when he found me. I look towards where Paul was, but he is not there anymore, as obviously this was too uncomfortable for him, or maybe he wanted to give us some privacy. I knock on his bedroom door and he opens it hugging me and kissing my head, while I cry my heart out.
Next morning I wake up in his bed after falling asleep during crying in his arms. I pick up my things and leave. I am now all alone in my apartment, it's Christmas Day and I can't even call my mom, as I really don't want to talk to anyone, so I send her a message, telling her I was abroad and couldn't speak on the phone. I make images of Alexander in Paris with that woman and I want to cut my own veins, because I know I was to blame for this. Am I turning suicidal again? Great! I was wondering what was missing from all the drama I welcomed back into my life.
I won't let this happen to me, not again. I am stronger now and I see things differently. Maybe Paul was right, maybe Alexander didn't love me as much as he said he did, because he gave up so easily. It's Christmas Day, so everything is closed but I know one place that isn't, so I am now on my way there.