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Chapter 69. Epilogue

Six months later...
Claire's p.o.v.
I have slowly surrendered back to depression and barely leave the house. My mom went to live with John to give me some space, as per my request, so all I do is to think about how this was mostly my fault and the guilt would eat a small part of me day by day, until there would be nothing left. I lost all the weight I managed to gain back and my looks match my inner world.
I have picked up the phone several times to call Alexander but thankfully I didn't, as I know he is better off without me. I am bad luck to anyone who comes near me, so I better stay away from people just to keep them safe. I almost killed him... My love! When Ronan told me he had barely made it, I made a promise to myself that I would stay away from him, no matter what.
I am now even convinced I am partly to blame for Michael's insanity. Anyone involved with me is surely cursed and condemned to suffer, dragging me along. It's like I somehow manage to bring out the worst in anyone unlucky enough to develop feelings for me. This is what the past has taught me and I won't lie to myself anymore by blaming everyone else besides my messed up self.
My mom visits me daily, making sure I eat and shower, but she is lately showing signs of desperation for the mess I 've once again become. I hate seeing her hurting like this. It's the first time she doesn't tell me about what other people say or think of me and I know she regrets a lot of things she did, or even the way she treated me in the past, as she keeps apologizing to me not really explaining what for. She's been begging me to see a therapist or prescribe myself something to help me lift from the undergrounds of the abyss I was lost in, but all I wanted to do was to embrace the darkness and rest. I was so tired... Yes I know what this means.
Two more weeks passed and I am now feeling too weak to stand on my own two feet for more than a couple of minutes and my suicidal thoughts have returned, scaring me whenever I realize I have them, which was actually a good sign. My mom is calling me from downstairs, but I tell her I am sleeping.
"Claire?"
"Alexander?"
He enters the room looking shocked from the image he faces.
"Oh, Claire! You are sick." He comes running towards me, sits on the bed and pulls me with his big strong arms, placing me carefully on his lap, holding me tight like a father would hold his child, trying to protect it from an invisible danger that was threatening its life.
"Are you really here?" I smile.
Many times I dreamed of him coming to my rescue, but how could he? He didn't have my phone, nor there was any other way to contact me.
"How did you find me?" I ask.
"Michael called me."
"What? Why? How?" I ask in shock!
He then places me softly on the bed next to him with my legs still on his lap, while holding my hands in his, and the way he is looking at me is preparing me for the conversation that is about to follow.
"He knew everything about me, remember? Ever since he found out you came back, he would ask your mother often about you and when eventually she told him crying that she was losing you, he called me, as he knew he couldn't come anywhere near you or do anything himself to help you. He also told me he loved you too much to just let you destroy yourself and if I was the one to help you out of this, then he was fine with that."
"Michael..." I was now beyond confused.
"We all make mistakes Claire, some bigger than others, that we can either forgive and move on, or never surpass and let their weight pull us down. All I know is I won't leave you again, even if you ask me too. You are coming back to New York with me and I promise you this time around, nothing can hurt us. I left the company after selling all my shares to Mr. Yang and used the money to start a business of my own. Most of our clients followed and I am now independent and a boss to myself. No more Mr. Yang, or Mingmei. Alicia followed me along with almost all of the employees from my floor, the ones also known as "team Alex", so all I am missing is you. You are my whole life Claire and I never stopped loving you." He says, embracing my face in his palms.
"I can't. We tried and we both failed miserably." I say in honesty, feeling my cheeks wet.
"I have no life without you. I knew where you were, even before Michael's phone call, as a detective I hired tracked you only days after you left. Of course knowing where you were was all I asked of him. After that, I decided to give you space and time to heal and I was working hard to prepare a new life for you... for us, so I could offer you a fresh start away from everything that hurt you."
"I am not coming. Look at you and everything you've achieved already. You are better off without me."
"You know that's not true. We are both more than a mess and honestly I don't know what could be worse from this." He says showing us.
"I am not good for anyone Alexander, I am damaged beyond repair and that results to me always messing things up. It's like I want to fail and I am not going to take you down with me, as I took Michael. Look at how he changed back to his own loving self now that he was away from me."
I see him wince in pain and then he presses his forehead on mine.
"I love you! You are my everything, so stop fighting this. I will kidnap you if I have to." He says kissing me softly.
And there it is... it's still here! I thought it left me as I haven't felt it beat since that day in the hospital. My heart is still functioning and I cry to the realization.
"Please don't cry my love. I am here for you!"
He takes out a little black box and he turns my body sideways while I am still sitting on the bed, kneeling down in front of me. He opens the box revealing a diamond ring and a tear rolls down his eyes.
"Forever..." He whispers, instantly filling that huge hole I had in my chest.
"I can't! Alexander I got sick again. I can't do this. Just leave please." I cry.
"Never again! The sooner you realize that, the faster we can start being happy. I am tired of missing you so much that it physically hurts, I am tired of not being able to have you in my arms every single night! It was both a mental and a physical torture to be deprived of your presence, your voice, your touch, your smell. You are all that I want and I will say this as many times as needed, for you to realize and believe it. I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE! You are the most kindhearted person I ever came across with and what you did with Michael proves it. I thought you were being week back then, but no! You were stronger than anyone else could ever be had they been in your shoes and with your forgiveness you helped him heal. Not only you were no longer in danger from him, but you actually had someone looking after your back. You proved that all you have to offer to people that are messed up, is love and understanding and that's the best shot you have in actually helping them."
"Alexander...I ..." At that point I really don't know what else to say. My eyes are so heavy from the tears that are streaming down uncontrollably and I feel a knot on my throat that's preventing any words to come out of my mouth. I don't deserve this man.
"Even Paul came to me and apologized about everything. He was so guilty and that ate him up to the point he would call me every single day just to tell me how sorry he was again and again. We are now friends Claire! Not the best ones but we truly are and although he made a huge mistake, I can now understand how desperately in love he was with you at the time which led to his insane actions.
We all make mistakes my love, therefore I decided to be more like you and less like me when I realized how lost he was, so I supported him through his own depression and I gave him my psychiatrist's number as he needed help."
"Paul was also struggling with depression?"
"Yes he was and I did what I thought you would do if you were there. I helped him Claire, as he was desperate, because he didn't have the means to contact you and that cost him greatly. The guilt he felt was literally eating him up and being unable to tell you how sorry he was drove him crazy. I learned so much from you my love and I swear I'm a different person, not only from the man I was back when we met at the airport, but even from the man you said goodbye to that day at the hospital. Marry me please! I love you always and forever and I swear to try my best to make you happy and whole again. I also promise to trust you and be open about everything, as I now know better than to question you again."
I sigh and I just allow myself to indulge his warmth by wrapping my arms around him.
"I missed you so much, I love you more than life itself. But we can't be together!" I confess in a whisper and I burst into tears.
"Never again. You and I must stick together, as I strongly disagree with what you said. We ARE good for each other Claire! You don't seem to realize how good you were for me and just look at how you are doing without me. How can us be together not be a good thing?"
"Alexander there will be other arguments, misunderstandings and battles we will have to fight, as this is life. Nothing can be perfect and difficulties will always be there challenging our relationship. The whole point is how we deal with the hard times, but the past only proves that we can't handle well with all the shit life throws at us."
"We are learning Claire. As I said before, people make mistakes. I am asking you to forgive me for mine and give me another chance."
"How about mine? I cheated on you with Paul and you were right to be mad. How do I know you can really forgive me?"
"I am here aren't I?"
He puts the ring on my finger while telling me this is his promise to me, but he would wait for ever if he had to, for me to be ready. If that day ever came, he wanted me to let him know in a different way. Leaving the way up to me.
"Like getting off the pill and announcing your pregnancy for example." He says, laughing for the first time and I feel my heart beating faster, reacting to his laughter which was like music to my ears.
"What do you mean? What if I never got back on the pill the first place? Would you be ready for something like that now?" I ask half joking, have actually fishing for his reaction.
"I'd be the happiest man in the world!" He declares, with his eyes staring directly into mine, showing me he was telling the truth and was fully aware of what it meant.
"Alexander we've only known each other for a little less than a year of which most of it we spend it apart or fighting."
"I've been waiting for you my whole life and I found you when I lost hope in women and love, but now that I experienced life with you, I don't need any more time. I just know you are exactly what I want, what I need. Forever!"
He gently kisses me and I welcome his affection. We make love but he is so careful, it feels we are on slow motion, as I really was so weak that he was afraid that he would brake me. That could never happen, as he only managed to bring me back to life. His touch is like a vitamin, energizing my body and soul. He is barely penetrating me and it was all too emotional with both of us crying in the end, but this time it was tears of joy and relief as our bodies found their other half's again, which our minds deprived them from all this time. His lips never left mine during our love making, gently nipping the top and the bottom alternately, as if he couldn't get enough of them. Everything felt so right as it always did when we were together.
We are each other's soulmate, so we better try to make this work instead of fighting it, as nothing is ever easy in life and sometimes people are looking for perfection which doesn't even exist, not realizing that reality has its ups and downs. With Michael I knew it was toxic. With Alexander I realized it was just real life and I was finally ready to embrace it, wishing it would be mostly for better rather than for worse.

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