Restart

Chapter 58. Coming clean

Claire's p.o.v.
"Hey Paul! Where have you been?" He comes closer and now I see his cheek swollen and bruised.
I grab a bag of peas from the freezer and I push it against it.
He groans, but I only put more pressure, ignoring his discomfort.
"So, you don't plan on telling me who did this?"
He nods no and by the look of him, I already know.
"Alexander? Why would he do this to you?"
He lowers his eyes as if he was embarrassed about it, but why would he? Did he do something to him? I don't think he could because Alexander is doing kickboxing since he was a child and I know he couldn't possibly hurt him, even if he tried.
"Why did you meet him. Did you ask him to talk or what? Was he angry when you told him I was here? God Paul, speak!" I say in frustration.
"It's nothing, we had an argument and things got out of control. We broke it off immediately so don't worry." He says while avoiding my eyes the whole time.
"What kind of an argument did you have?"
"I'd rather not say now, but I promise you I will tell you everything in a few days."
"What do you mean you'd rather not say? Paul, tell me exactly what happened."
"You are not ready for this yet and I sure ain't going to lie to you. That's not something I can do, so please give me some days, as I need you to be calm for this."
"For what Paul? I am a big girl and you know that better than anyone else. Please tell me and I promise you I can handle anything, besides any one of you getting physically hurt."
"Claire NO! Now is not the time."
"Fine! Then I'd better get going, as what I need from you is to be my friend, not my babysitter."
"Claire, trust me on this, please! And for God's sake, where would you go this late?" He says in frustration.
"I can sleep in my car for the night if I don't find a hotel, but I don't think I'll have to. I'll go to that hotel I was staying when I first came here."
And I move towards the door but he grabs my elbow, staring in my eyes, looking more than determined.
"Please don't go."
"I have to. I thought that you and I could talk about everything, but obviously I was the only one to believe that."
"Give me a couple of days please!"
"No!" I yell and he...kisses me!
I don't even blink, not responding to the kiss but neither pulling back. I am as surprised as a person can be and I hope there is a perfectly good explanation behind this. He stops when he sees I am being irresponsive and moves a step backwards.
"I am sorry. I... I didn't mean to do this."
"Do what? Kiss me? Paul what was that? Why would you kiss me like that? You are my best friend." I complain.
"I told you you weren't ready and I am sorry I gave in to your stubbornness."
"I will never be ready Paul. You are my best friend and I thought that went both ways, but obviously 'friend' wasn't the word to describe your side."
"Let's make coffee and I'll tell you everything."
He takes my hand leading me to the kitchen. He doesn't say anything but I can see he is having the most difficult time struggling emotionally and I do love him as a friend, so that makes me feel for him.
Why couldn't I be in love with him instead? He understands me better than I do myself and he cared for me through all the shit with Michael and now, this? How long has he had these feelings for me and mostly is he sure about them? I am hoping he is only confused.
"Paul, I think you are just confused. It's only natural because you love me and I love you so much and you being single all this time, is messing with your mind."
He interrupts me by coming inches closer, putting both hands on the counter that separates the kitchen from the living room and our bodies, but his face is just a breath away from mine. Is he going to kiss me again? Oh, God please no. I can't lose him as well!
"You are the reason I was single all this time." He says not even blinking. He is staring me right in the eyes for some seconds and then his eyes lower, now gazing at my lips, so I get the feeling he wants to kiss me again. He is serious about this and fully aware of everything.
"Paul, I don't want to lose you too!" I beg.
"You will never lose me, if friendship is what you want from me, that is what you are getting. I was able to restrain my feelings for so long and I can continue to do so. I am here for you and all I want is for you to be happy, as love is about putting the other person's happiness above your own."
"Love?" I manage to whisper.
"Yes Claire, love!" He declares, daringly.
"But..." I don't know what to say really. I knew he loved me as I loved him but only in a friendly way.
"This must have been a torture for you." I finally said.
"And that's exactly what I love about you. Here you are hurt and betrayed from your boyfriend and your best friend just dropped a bomb on you and all you think about is how I feel. You are the most kindhearted person I've met my whole life and I am so sorry I fell in love with you but I did. Sorry, because obviously you don't feel the same way, so this is hard on you." He says, breaking my heart. God I feel so sorry for him, as he is obviously hurting.
"Paul, I am not good enough for you. You have been nothing more than a true and supportive friend to me, when you could easily continue taking my money and just be my therapist. You are the reason I am here, safe and sane as I think if not for you, Alexander wouldn't be able to help me on his own. But... you don't deserve someone who's heart belongs to someone else. You deserve the world Paul and I am not the one to offer it to you, even if I don't plan to return back to Alexander, I do love him still and I don't know how long it will take me to get over him."
"You don't know that."
"What? If I am going to return back to him? I promised myself that if I ever left him I wouldn't go back, as it was the same mistake I did with Michael."
"No, I didn't mean that, I meant you don't know if you can't offer the world to me, as that's what you already are to me. But I am going to shut up now, because I've already upset and scared you enough." And he passes me my coffee.
Should I be running away? I am so confused and although I meant what I said about Alexander, I don't think I'll ever be able to see Paul in another way. He is a friend that although we've only known each other for four months, I considered him as my best one. I trust him with my life and there isn't a day that passes by without us either getting together or chatting over the phone. He makes me laugh harder than anyone else and he always supports anything I say or do, without judging me. Can this mess get any worse? And then the realization hits me!
"Oh my God! You told him?"
"Of course I did, I felt obliged to. He and I were becoming friends and I could never be dishonest to him. Although he was your boyfriend, I have to admit he is a pretty cool guy and not at all what I expected him to be. Then again I should have known better, as you chose him, so he had to be good right?" And he smiles.
"Paul, I am so sorry but I cannot respond to this. My heart is still his, so you and I can only be friends and now even that is going to be a difficult task."
"I shouldn't have given into your pressure to tell you what caused this! (He is showing me his swollen cheek) I should have waited for you to get over him before I came clean with my feelings."
"Why did he hit you? What exactly did you say to him?"
"That I was in love with you and I couldn't help him get you back, as that's what he asked from me."
And I suddenly feel sadness more than I feel anger and betrayal. The two men I loved the most were both hurt and I was the one standing in the middle, wishing I could take this day back and never allow it to happen. I could have told Alexander what happened with Luke, before he threw me those pictures and then I would never know that he had someone following me. No!!! Why is not knowing better? He was wrong not to trust me and I am not going to accept the fact that he didn't respect my privacy with the excuse he was only trying to protect me. I didn't need protection! Paul helped me get rid of Michael for good, so what was he protecting me from?
"Paul, how...I mean you and I now... uhm..."I stutter.
"Nothing's changed gorgeous! You are my best friend too and that is stronger than my need to be with you in any other way. So I am here for you as a friend and I only came clean with my feelings because you pushed me. Forget everything and just come here."
He opens his arms, smiling widely, showing me how much he means everything he said. He was so honest with me and I appreciate him even more for that. I go around the bench and I fall into his arms, inhaling our friendships must needed oxygen and ignoring the in love toxic carbon dioxide, which the thought of it alone is causing me to suffocate.