Restart

Chapter 60. Things are awkward.

It's Christmas next week and Paul will be closing the office for two full weeks, as he is planning on visiting his family for the holidays. He asked me to join him, but I told him I would be going to England to spend the holidays with my mom as well, which he strongly disagrees about.
He said he wanted to come with me for the first time back there, as Michael's restraining order didn't apply for the U.K. as well, so he wouldn't have it any other way. This was the first time he tried to force his opinion on me, but to be fair I knew he was right and I shouldn't go there alone.
Alexander send me a message last night in which he said he would give me the space I wanted, but he also wrote he was hurting and missing me terribly, which wasn't good for my fragile heart, that was aching for the both of us.
It would be a lot easier if he had cheated on me, but not trusting me wasn't something I could just skip and let go, whereas it also wasn't something I could easily bypass and swallow.
*Please Alexander, If you really love me just forget about us as a couple. Let's meet after the holidays to see if we can work it out as friends.*
His reply was a photo of two tickets to Paris with our names written on them. Ouch! His surprise... He did say he was planning on something and convinced me not to go to England for the holidays, as he promised we would go together in February when he had to be there on a business trip. He was not the CEO of the company anymore, so he had arranged everything in much detail, including our days off work. Such a mess...
*I am so sorry... I can't.* I text him.
Paul also comes back from the gym, but I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice him. I was cooking in the kitchen and he comes hugging me from behind and kissing my neck, which gave me the shivers.
"Paul! You have to stop doing these things. You are not allowed to kiss me anymore as I know you are confused about your feelings for me, so we have to keep our distance and set some boundaries."
"That's nothing Claire. Is not the first time I kissed you like that. Don't do this please. Not reciprocating my feelings is one thing but making our friendship to seem unimportant is another. You know I've always respected you and your feelings, why don't you trust me to keep doing that? I've been nothing but sincere towards you and the way you are treating me is heartbreaking." He complains.
"You kissed me again before we left the office Paul and yes, although it was an innocent kiss, considering the fact you claim you have romantic feelings for me, we should avoid this, as it's very confusing for the both of us."
He turns away obviously hurt and goes to his room shutting the door behind him. What am I doing? I never should have agreed to work with him, as clearly this is not going to help. I finish preparing dinner, but I have lost my appetite and I just leave a plate on the counter for him, as Stephanie stayed with Yiannis after our workout and I put away the rest in a food container.
I go in her room and close the door behind me, but I hear his door opening shortly after that and I am hoping he eats the food now that is still nice and warm. He is doing so much for me, so it feels good when I can do little things like that to pay him back. My door knocks and I tell him to come in.
"Claire, we need to talk."
"Why do I feel a knot in my stomach, hearing this?"
"Please don't. I just want to make things clear about us. I am in love with you and you are not, so it's my problem if acting all intimate with you is enhancing my feelings or not. I will never force anything on you, but I don't want to take a step back from where we were, so please don't ask me to be all formal and typical with you because this is not us. I won't mind if you NEVER get romantic feelings for me, as love isn't something you can impose on anyone, but PLEASE don't let my stupid honesty ruin our precious friendship and how comfortable it felt. Whenever I kiss or hug you be assured it's in an innocent way without any superior motives hidden behind my actions and if that makes you feel uncomfortable it's only because you obviously don't trust me. But when did I ever lie to you to deserve your distrust?"
He is breathing heavily as if a burden was lifted from his chest, but I don't know what to say to this so I just stay still for a while, observing his breath.
"Claire, please don't just stand there, making me feel all awkward and uncomfortable."
"Look Paul, I just don't want to lead you into believing this could turn into anything else. My feelings towards you are strictly friendly and all I want is not to lose you, as you are so precious for me too, but only as a friend and that's never going to change because I see you more like a brother."
I say this to set things straight as to where we stand but were my feelings really clear towards him, after this morning? I wonder, as I found myself thinking about that soft quick kiss during my workout at the gym and I don't need to be any more confused than I already am. That's why I want to keep my distance, as this seems to be affecting me now that I am in the middle of an emotional mess.
I get up and I ask him to follow me into the kitchen. I take out another plate for me and we both have dinner, changing the subject completely and now talking about business. He suggests we watch a movie, but I leave him, telling him I am exhausted which isn't s lie.
I have to find myself a place to live, as I can't sleep in Stephanie's bed forever and I certainly don't want to. My mom is a wealthy woman and my dad left me a lot of money that I promised myself I wouldn't use before I knew I would invest them in something good, but this was an emergency so I know he would want me to use them to get myself out of this mess. It's too complicated to live here with Paul now that I know how he feels, so I take my phone and start looking for a place to live.
Renting a decent apartment in New York is even worse that London. Now I realize why Paul is still living with Stephanie although he could get his own place, as all he does is being such a supportive friend, knowing she couldn't afford living on her own. This man is too good to be true.
I can't sleep so I decide to join him for a movie after all, but my phone rings.
"Hello baby girl." Alexander says in the sweetest voice tone.
"Hey."
"I just missed you so much that I couldn't bear another day to pass by without hearing your sweet voice."
"Alexander, you are not helping neither me nor yourself."
"Claire, come on! I can't take this any longer. I haven't seen you since before I left for my trip and you are so difficult, as you won't even give me the opportunity to talk to you. I am afraid to even speak to you, as I know you will only deactivate your phone again and not being able to reach you is literally killing me."
"We have nothing to discuss Alexander, you made your decisions and now these are the consequences. Please leave me alone."
And by that I hung up the phone and go to the living room to watch the movie with Paul, hoping to keep my mind busy with the film and not to think about Alexander. I curl up right next to him and now being so close to him I notice his cheek which is now turning more green-brown from the punch rather than red and I kiss it.
"Ouch! There is a reason why I didn't exchange a cheek to cheek kiss with you, you know."
"Sorry, I wanted to kiss it and make it go away. I feel so guilty."
"What for? This has nothing to do with you. This is completely between me and Alexander."
"No it's not. I am to blame for this."
"Seriously? You consider yourself a psychiatrist? Taking on responsibilities that aren't yours isn't good for you gorgeous, so please don't do it. You didn't initiate my feelings on purpose and you weren't the one to lose temper and punch me on the face, simply for being honest."
"I know and you are right. I am not going to take the blame and I will be strong for this and that's a promise!
"That's my girl! Love you kiddo." He says squeezing me in his arms.