Restart

Chapter 35. The unspoken truth

Alexander's p.o.v.
I follow Claire holding her hand, when she suddenly turns worriedly to me.
"Did you call Teresa, to tell her we are coming?"
"If she is home, then she'll have us. Let's not worry about that, since now we are already here." I state.
"But we should have called." She says worriedly.
I grab her hand again and this time I lead the way, as I am afraid I might lose my courage if I postpone or overthink this too much.
We knock on the door and she opens, with a smile on her face that reaches up to her ears. She pulls Claire away from me into her arms, squeezing her too hard and making squeaky annoying happy sounds.
"You came!" She tells her in the most joyful way. "And you brought Alex! I am sooo happy to finally meet you." She exclaims letting go of Claire and hugging me.
What on earth is she doing? I remain still and thankfully it's a brief hug from which I would have freed myself, if she hadn't done it on her own already.
"Please come in, lets all go to the living room. Thank you so much Claire for convincing him." She whispers that second part to Claire's ear, but I am too close for it to be unheard.
"Claire didn't convince me into anything and I have to assure you this is not a social visit." I firmly say.
They both look at me and their smiles disappear. Claire already knows there is something bothering me, so she now looks worried and troubled about what she will hear.
"Claire I only brought you here with me, because I know your story and I think that now it's time you heard mine."
"Ok, you know I am here for you, but shouldn't your father be here as well?"
"I've talked with my father already and I've cleared things out. It's you I want to talk with." And while saying this I turn to Teresa.
"Please tell me everything you know about my father's history, as far as me and my mom is concerned."
Her mood swifts from happy to troubled.
"I know everything my dear." She says while putting her hand over mine.
I pull back from her and I sit further away where she can't reach me, as I don't feel comfortable with all that intimacy and especially the touching.
"Does Claire know?" She asks.
"No, but this is why I brought her along. I want her to be a part of my life now, the same way she allowed me to be a part of hers."
"She won't admit she is your girlfriend." She giggles trying to change the mood, but I remain emotionless and she quickly loses it.
"What did my father tell you about my mother? Did he tell you he killed her?"
"Oh my! Alex, you know he didn't kill her."
Claire is silent but her eyes are already filled with tears and are wide open in surprise.
"No, I know he did. I want to see if you know, because I cannot understand how would someone that knows what a loser his partner is, still chooses to live with him. I had no respect for you, as I always thought you did this for the comfortable life he is offering you, thinking this isn't even real, but today he told me you love each other, so here I am now, wondering what it is that you love about him exactly."
"My sweet boy I know everything, but if the reason you brought Claire here, is for me to say the things you want her to know, but you can't tell her for yourself, then it only means you are not ready for her to know.
We are dealing with a lot of issues me and your father but we are working on them because I love him and he loves me. But, none of them have anything to do with his past. Although he will never forgive himself in order to completely move on, I've helped him made his peace with it, realizing there is nothing he can do to bring your mother back, or undo his past actions that led there."
Damn it, that's not how I wanted this conversation to unfold, but I feel relieved my father wasn't the liar he always is, with this woman as well. She knew about my mother and that gave me a sick feeling of an egoistic satisfaction, as I thought he had buried her memory along with her under the ground, but surprisingly he didn't. He still remembers her and he shared that part of his life with this woman.
"I feel really uncomfortable." Claire protests.
"I am sorry, I thought of things differently in my head, but I wasn't really thinking straight."
"Sweetheart, If you want me to tell you the story from my side I will, but I don't know if you will like it, as I know some things, that surely you don't and probably it's better to keep it that way. I think you two should talk about this, but not in my presence. I will leave you to it and I will go make us some strong coffee and when I am back, I'd like us to change the subject."
I am beyond angry with myself for dragging her into this. What was I thinking? Teresa is right, it's because I couldn't face her and tell her everything about my dark past, but I needed her to know, she was not alone. We all have secrets haunting us and if she let me I could be there for her, to help her fight away her ghosts as I fought away mine.
But what was this woman talking about, when she said she knew things that I didn't. Probably it was the other way around and that's the main reason I came here. I wanted to hear her side of the story, to see how much of a liar my father was and Claire would hear everything either from me while telling Teresa, or from Teresa herself. This scenario, I didn't predict.
"When I said my father killed my mother, I meant indirectly. She committed suicide when she had enough of his cheating and neglecting, after fighting with depression for a very long time." I finally say when we are left alone.
"I...I am so sorry." She cries.
"No, don't be. It was a long time ago and the reason I wanted to share this with you, is because that's why I was so upset today and I didn't want to lie to you. Earlier, me and my father had this conversation that both of us were avoiding all these years. Now that it's out, I want to share it with you."
"Because you know you can get a psychiatric analysis for free that does cost a lot of money as you already know." She says while crying and laughing at the same time. I kiss her tears and then her lips.
Teresa returns to the room and she puts the tray with three large filled coffee mugs on the table.
"What did you mean, when you said you knew things I didn't?" I ask Teresa.
"Your father is not as bad as you think he is, but it's not my place to tell you why. You will have to speak to him about this."
"Why? Why can't you just tell me?"
"Because this doesn't concern me. This is about him and his relationship with your mother."
"Why are you even with him? I am sure he told you that it wasn't his fault."
"On the contrary, he takes full responsibility for everything, although I don't agree with that. They both made mistakes that hurt one another and led to your mother committing suicide, only because she was too weak to handle the pain and the guilt."
"Guilt? Why should my mother feel guilty about anything? She did nothing wrong."
And by that I hear the key turn on the door. My dad enters the house and he comes straight to us.
"Did you call him?" I ask Teresa and she nods yes.
"Did you tell him anything?" My father asks her.
"My love, It's not my place to tell him anything, but I think he needs to know the truth. I mean all of it! You can't keep taking all the blame and he is entitled to hear it from you." Teresa tells my father.
"What is she doing here? You should wait in the car. Isn't that what you are? His driver? This is personal and doesn't concern you."
"Yes, but I am also his friend and if Alexander wants me here, I also want to be here for him. Of course, this is your house, so if you want me to leave I will."
"If she leaves, I'll go along with her."
"Ok, then she can stay, but you won't like what I am about to tell you, so keep that in mind."
"Just talk. Although I am sure you are about to blame my dead mother for everything, since she can't really defend herself."
"Well, everything you know is true, but there are some things I purposely did hide from you to protect you."
"Like what?"
"Like the fact that your mother was HIV positive."
"What? But how?" I exclaim.
"When she found out I was having an affair with my secretary, she started cheating on me just for revenge, but one thing led to another and all the love we had for each other, in time turned into hate. You only remember me being away, but that was the reason I didn't want to come to the house. I was tired of all the yelling and the constant blame. She felt like she was allowed to have affairs only because I started it, but she would be reckless and eventually she got sick. I will spare you on the details of our endless fights and drama and get to the part that we should have gotten a divorce instead of harming each other like that."
I hear my father say these awful hurtful things and even if I wanted to interrupt him I couldn't, as I felt frozen, unable to move or speak and so he kept going, in a monologue of confession and redemption.
"After that last drunken mistake, when she actually caught me cheating, I never slept with anyone else and I would spend every night sleeping in my office, feeling embarrassed and humiliated, then I started going to A.A meetings and I managed to quit drinking and gather my shit together. It was at that point that I came back to the both of you, proposing a fresh start to your mother for the both of us and that was the time she told me she had AIDS. I thought the loss of weight and her tired appearance was due to depression, but it wasn't. After a week of anger and a constant alternation of the worst emotions a human can experience, I decided to come back to you both and support her, as I concluded this was all my fault to begin with. She wouldn't let me, as she had given up. She couldn't live with the guilt of everybody finding out about any of these, so she asked me never to tell you the truth, in a letter that she left behind before committing suicide. She also wrote she knew I would always take care of you, so she was leaving to go to a better place, until we could meet again and restart our lives, without all the weight that was dragging us down."
"You are lying." I shout.
"No, I am not son. I have her letter still. She wrote a note that this letter should never reach your hands, but I think she would want you to know the truth, as I am sure she regrets not fighting this. You know 2 people have been completely cured from this disease. She could have been amongst them, as money wasn't an issue for her to have the best treatment available, but it was all too much for her to bear. I think that when the hating left us, the realization found us and destroyed us. We were both so guilty of what we had allowed to happen to the both of us and felt miserably defeated from our human weaknesses.
I am so sorry I failed to be what I originally hoped to be for the both of you. I loved your mother so very much and I didn't think that this tragedy would be initiated by me having a stupid affair. I would take everything back if I could, but I can't. I am happy I found Teresa, although I don't think I deserve her. Sometimes I think your mother sent her to me, when she saw I was sinking in depression, following her footsteps."
I don't think I even blinked throughout his confession. I turn to look at Claire and she is holding Teresa's arms, both crying but in mute. Or did I just block out every other sound besides my father's voice?
"I don't know what to say." I confess looking down.
"Of course you don't. I am sorry I told you, as I am already regretting this, but I can't bear to see the despisal in your eyes, every time you look at me. Not any more. I realize I initiated things but I wasn't the only one to blame for how everything turned out to be. All I am saying is please don't hate me. Hate is a disastrous feeling that eats you from the inside and leaves you with nothing, as it consumes everything good in you. We were two humans, who messed up and failed themselves and you miserably. Me and your mother both need your forgiveness, not to make everything go away, as nothing can ever do that, but it will be a redemption for her and a relief to me."
"I don't believe in after life and I surely don't care about your conscience." I yell out still feeling numb.
I get up and leave, as I felt I couldn't breathe. I am waiting for Claire outside of the car while smoking a cigarette, but she doesn't come for another 5 minutes.
We both remain silent while driving back home, but we know there are a lot of things to discuss, after the shock is gone. When we reach the apartment, Claire goes all the way up with me.
"Can I stay here with you tonight? I need you."
She needs me? It's me that needs her and I wrap her in my arms, so she won't see me crying.
"Please do." I only tell her and I keep her tight, close to me, feeling like she is my life jacket while I am fighting with enormous waves, pulling me under.
We both sleep feeling exhausted and emotionally drained in each other's arms, hoping tomorrow is a better day.