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Chapter 41. A new friend

Claire's p.o.v.
After dropping Alexander off back home from the hospital, I leave him for my today's session with Paul. Alexander didn't take this very well as he was afraid that Paul would convince me into rejecting his naughty intentions for the night. He was already in a bad mood, because his wrist was hurting him and the doctor told him it would take some time, before it felt back to normal without the cast on. He was lucky it was a small fracture that didn't need surgery or more healing time, so he should be thankful.
On my way to Paul, I am trying to figure out a way to tell him I slipped yet I don't regret it, not for a minute, but still I know that he will be disappointed for my back step, as I should have known better. He did tell me that he would be more strict with me, because as a psychiatrist I already knew the theory, so his role would be to help me put it in action, which was the part I was failing terribly.
The conversation felt uneasy for the first time, so I stopped being defensive and went straight to the chase.
"I'm in love with him! I know I am. I can't believe I managed to be in love with someone, from wanting to die not that long ago. But how can that not be a good thing? It's extreme and it scares me but I can't stop it. I want him so much, that even though I know this is not the way to restart my life, I don't want anything else, or anyone else now that I've had him, now that I slept in his strong arms that pushed away all my nightmares and made my heart whole again. I want him and I can't control myself, although I know I am behaving more like a naive teenager that only satisfies her immediate needs and wants, not caring for the consequences or the dangers lurking around the corner. And I know he wants me too and that he has real feelings for me, which only makes things worse for my self contain." I say, all in one breath.
"I understand what you are saying Claire, but you know that in relationships, there is no such thing as everything being perfect all the time. There will be fights and hurting and lies, as it is only natural and then all the wounds will start bleeding again, unless you let them heal so that these unpleasant situations, a couple normally experiences, will only scratch you superficially and won't have the ability to make you bleed to death."
"Yes but what if I lose him? We have only known each other for a little over a month, so I can't expect him to just wait for me until I am ready, because we are so good together that he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand the need for us to be apart, as he feels he can be there for me through this procedure and support me. So if this is hard for me, although I perfectly understand the point behind this, imagine what it is like for him, that he doesn't. He only sees how good he was for me so far and it's true as he was the one to unlock my voice and take me out of my depression. With him eating and sleeping got easy, where it used to be so hard to almost impossible. I pretty much owe all of my progress to him, so why can't I still be around him but take it slowly?"
"You already know the answer to that and I am not questioning your better judgment. It's not that he won't be good for you, it's because you will depend on him, for your psychological integrity. You need to learn how to distance from your past on your own, depending only on yourself and then you can face future in normalcy, by building strong foundation to hold the burden of disappointment and frustration, as you can't avoid negative emotions. Not in this life Claire."
"And again, what if I lose him?"
"If what you are describing is indeed as intense as you say it is, then he will wait. I know I would."
By saying that he touches my hand, but I feel uncomfortable and I pull it away. It's not like he is flirting or anything, because I also do this sometimes while talking to a patient, but I don't feel that intimate with him yet and this feels weird.
"See? You are not ready for intimacy yet. You feel awkward and it's only natural, as you have lost trust in people, but you need to make a support group for yourself that isn't a list consisting only of a single person."
"But I just moved here and I don't know a lot of people yet, so that will take some time, as a person to get on that list needs to gain my trust first."
"Good, I couldn't agree more to that. So from all of these people you do know, do you feel you could connect with anyone else?"
"Uhm...maybe Alicia who is his assistant and Teresa who is his father's partner and Luke who is my personal trainer, as he makes me laugh a lot. He always jokes about my strength being incompatible with my physique, as I am stronger than what my body shows. And that's about it I'm afraid. Oh, and none of them knows about my past and the issues I am dealing with and I don't feel comfortable talking to any of them yet.
"So from these three people the only one that doesn't involve Alexander in a way, is your personal trainer. And you are honestly trying to convince yourself that this is healthy?"
"No, I know I need to meet more people, but I just got here."
"I know you did, and you mustn't feel any sort of pressure that you have to meet a bunch of people right now, but is your lifestyle giving you opportunities to meet other people? Because it looks like your whole life revolves around Alexander and that's something you will have to redefine."
"How? I work as his driver and I live at his building, so basically to do that I will have to quit my job and move out of my apartment."
"I already offered you a way out of that. I know you like driving as a hobby, but driving antique cars or racing is one thing and driving someone from place to place is another and you are wasting all that knowledge to do something that is not good for you, as you are doing it for someone you should be avoiding for a while."
"But I like being close to him, seeing him and spending time with him."
"Of course you do, it makes you feel safe doesn't it?"
I see his point. I am not going to dispute his remarks, as I know everything he says makes absolute sense. The problem is my feelings are too strong to fight them and the fear of losing him is greater than the fear of being dependent on him. As I have clearly made my decision, I decide to stop talking about Alexander and change the subject.
"You know what would make me feel safe? If none of those horrible things happened to me with no obvious reason. If I could talk to Michael and ask him about what caused his insanity. If I could hold my unborn daughter in my arms and smell her baby scent I only dreamt of."
And now I am crying my heart out, wishing we were still talking about Alexander. He gets up from his chair and moves towards me, he sits next to me on that big brown leather couch and places his hand on my knee. This time I feel comfort from his touch and I hug him. What is it with me hugging strangers when I cry? Why do I feel like I need a place to hide from everything and everyone whenever I am exposed to my past, only left feeling vulnerable and scared? He puts his arms around me and the freshly washed scent of his soft caramel sweater, makes me feel comfortable being there in my new hiding place.
"Let me buy you dinner. Not as your therapist, but as a person from your support group. I want to be in that group, as I don't feel comfortable taking money from you anymore. You already know the answers to everything, so I shouldn't be taking your money, if I am only here to help you stick to fulfilling them."
He sees my hesitation and keeps going.
"You are my last patient for the day and I actually worked over hours for you today, so please let's just get out of here as I'm bored of this please and let's get something to eat. Don't expect fine dining or anything, we'll just go in the first restaurant we come across in the neighborhood."
"You may be a good psychologist, but you are a lousy businessman." I tell him while still in his arms, only now I am calmer and I am also laughing in addition to my crying, looking like a true crazy person."
"I think it's good that you use humor as a way out of your darkness." And by that he squeezes me in his arms before letting me pull back as I was beginning to feel uncomfortable and force a smile at him.
Not like the smiles Alexander would manage with not much effort to get out of me, but I guess it's a start.
"Give me a minute, I have to call him and tell him not to wait for me, as he's surely expecting me for dinner."
"See? That's exactly what I mean." He smiles.
"What do you mean you're having dinner with him?" Alexander sounds really upset. "Like hell you are! Who is he? Do you even really know him? For as far as I'm concerned, he could be a fucking serial killer."
"My God, I thought I was the psychopath. Get some rest and I will see you tomorrow, I need some time away from you and Paul will help me achieve that."
"I am sure he will." He says in a sarcastic tone of voice.
"Alexander, you are being extremely rude and unfair to a person who is only trying to help me."
"Where will you go, how old is he and also I want his full name and phone number, just in case."
"In case of what 'dad'? Do you also need his license number and address? I sarcastically say.
"Yes, that would be great." He says without even joking.
That's when I hang up the phone. I know he's only being protective and looking out for me, but I don't need that, not with Paul. I do trust him, because although this was only our fifth session, we seem to be having a connection and the communication is really easy between the two of us. Also, everything he suggests is all true and I would be very lucky to have someone like him in my trust group, so I am really glad for how things turned out and I will be the new spontaneous Claire, since that has helped me so far and go out with him in a completely friendly date, to see how he can be like in a non-professional way.

It would be much easier if he was an ugly old man, but he is not, so I have to be careful with Alexander, as I don't want to make him jealous. I need friends of my own and Paul is a fantastic start and maybe if he introduces me to his own social circle, I will meet more people and finally have a chance for a fresh start, away from everything that has been haunting me.