Restart

Chapter 14. Another breakdown

Claire's p.o.v.
I go up to my hotel room, right after lunch and I rush to the toilet as I feel sick. I haven't eaten so much in a long time and my stomach didn't take this in very well. I quickly get under the shower's cold running water, in an attempt to cool myself down and hold the food in. It doesn't go as well as I hoped it would, so all that precious food goes to waste. Such a shame. I really enjoyed it and I didn't really put much effort to eat it, like all the other times. He even had it made especially for me. I didn't make a comment about it, as I knew he was only trying to impress me and I didn't want to give him the satisfaction that he actually did.
I was turning into an anorexic and I can now hear the danger alarm going off, warning me that I have to fight this, loud and clear. Now, that I had the opportunity to feel a bit more optimistic, I won't give up. I will turn that page, or even better I will rewrite the bloody book.
Alexander is definitely a strange man, but I like how he kind of accepts me for who and what I am right now. It's weird, but I also enjoy spending time with him. It was a bit alerting and rather confusing, how he was obviously making an effort for me to like him and win over my trust. Would it be because he needs me to confirm his story? I already agreed to help him with his father, but maybe he didn't trust me and wanted to make sure I would go through with this dinner, by keeping me happy. No! I would feel it if he was faking it. My intuition never fails me.
And with that thought I fall again into the darkness, surrendering to it's unavoidable force, when I remember that one time that my intuition did fail me. Unfortunately, it failed me horribly when it mostly mattered. How could I missed on all the lies and fall for the fake warmth of his loving eyes? I thought he was an angel and he turned out to be a demon. I gave him everything and I thought that went both ways, but I was so wrong. He destroyed my life by harming me in a way that no words could ever describe.
I am having that replay again, like it's happening right here in front of me. I am looking at myself struggling under him in that hotel bed, as if I left my body and I am watching the whole scene from a distance. Why did he hurt me like that? Why would he kill his own baby? Why did he force himself on me, when I was already his to take whenever he desired.
What happened to him, I will never know. He took that secret with him after he killed himself. Everything is a big blur and nothing makes sense. He loved me, I know he did. He was completely outraged and I couldn't understand what he was saying, as he was so drunk, that I could only get out some of the scattered words he was spitting here and there, between him calling me the nastiest things one could think of and telling me he hates me, I swear I heard a few 'I will always love you' and a lot more 'I will never forgive you', during the groundless attack I experienced.
Forgive me for what? Whatever it was that he had misunderstood, we could have talked it through, like we always did. Even if he thought of the worst thing possible, which I don't have a clue what that could possibly be, he should have trusted me more to realize he had it all wrong, but now I will never know. I never did anything else than to love him with everything I had in me. My whole life revolved around him and we were going to get married after I gave birth to our little girl and this ring that I am still wearing was our engagement ring. I was 4 months pregnant when he completely lost it and killed everything I had in me, physically and mentally, along with our baby and then himself.
I watched the whole thing again, as if it was a horror movie that was saved on my brain's hard disc and it was available for me to retrieve and watch it over and over again. Oh how I wish I could delete it and forget all about it.
I am standing here in the middle of this hotel room in New York, once again remembering all the details and trying to understand his words. I need to know and figure everything out. If I don't, I will never be able to let go of the past and have a chance to have any kind of a future.
I am only 26 years old and I have worked so hard to achieve so many things, so early. People would often tell me how jealous they are of me and my life. The same people that would gossip and pity me after what happened, only to give meaning to their non-existing life and have something to talk about, to keep them sickly entertained. My life was their favorite daily pastime and then my mom would worriedly tell me all about the things people would say and think about me.
I had no friends. Not even one! They all turned out to be superficial and were only near me when I was fun and joyful. I always knew that, but I still allowed them to be a part of my life, as I was so busy studying and building a career, that I didn't have time to built a deep relationship with anyone that would truly matter. All they wanted from me was occasionally going out and generally having fun and I was sadly fine with that. I gave all my spare time and energy to Michael and I had nothing left for anyone else. I lost truck to all my childhood friends and in the end, I thankfully found the strength to leave this all behind. I have nothing back there. Not even my own mother really supported me, as she was more worried of what people would say and assume of me, rather than what it would become of me really.
I woke up laying on the floor, as I obviously had another breakdown. My clothes were still wet from when I had thrown myself in the shower yesterday, without even removing them, in an attempt to act as fast as possible to prevent myself from falling into the abyss. I was frozen cold, but I was glad to feel the pain over my body, instead of the usual numbness. My throat was sore and my head was spinning. It felt like a bloody hangover, but without the fun part of the drinking procedure leading to it.
I removed my clothes and took a hot shower in an attempt to save myself from getting a cold. Tonight was the dinner with Alexander's father. I wanted to look and behave my best, because since I wouldn't be working for him, this would probably be the only thing I could do for this man that saved my life and obviously the last time I would see him.
It's a nice change for me to care about anything again, even if it didn't concern me. I thought I would never come around from the emotional death I had fallen into, but now I seemed to acknowledge or even care about things happening around me again and this fills me with hope for the future. My future!
My phone's battery was dead so I connect it to the charger, as I was planning to go out to buy myself a new dress and I feel very insecure when I don't have my phone with me. Once I activated it, it went crazy, beeping nonstop. I go through my messages, some are from my mother and some others are from Michael's mother.
She always felt the obligation to be near me, after what her son did to me. She would contact me daily and i suddenly felt sorry that I never responded, to get the poor woman out of her guilt. 'Feel'...that's new for me. This is a good day, I thought to myself.
I scroll down on all the messages and I see tens of messages from Alexander, but before I got a chance to read them, I am interrupted from his call.
"Hey! Where were you? I was going crazy, because I couldn't reach you."
And before I got the chance to answer, he speaks again.
"Open the door." He demands.
"I..."
"Open the fucking door". And by hearing that, I hear him pounding on my door at the same time giving me the chills and awakening memories that are still haunting me.