Worth Everything.

Confusion.

NINI
After an awkward 10 minutes, I decide that I can't be around anyone right now, so I excuse myself. I don't know what I feel right now, it's weird. Kourt offers her company, but I assure her that I'm okay, and hurry off before anyone else tries talking to me. I walk up to the room, almost in a daze, and fall on my bed, begging sleep to come so I can just forget for a while. I thought seeing Ricky would get easier, not that I really planned on seeing him again to be frank, I thought the ache I feel would be slowly closing, but it's just not. Nothing is fucking working, and he's all that I can think about nowadays.
I honestly forgot about him in Denver.. Well as much as I could anyway. I buried myself in extra curricular activities, my studies, socialising and even other guys, and I was good. It was good. Wasn't I good? I got valedictorian and the lead in a couple more plays, and I have really amazing friends, and college acceptances. And then I graduated, and had no other choice but to come home, and I see him and my world stops. Fuck. I'm so much stronger than this, stronger than allowing a guy to make me feel this way.
Of course there were the first few weeks after the break up where I refused to get out of bed, or when I couldn't physically keep any food in my system for too long, but have I not healed from that? They were dark days, but I'm better now. I'm over it. Aren't I? I mean, I invited him to my fucking graduation. I was only given three invites! The only other person apart from my Moms who I invited, apart from Lola who couldn't make it. Like, I didn't even invite Kourtney, and she's one of the biggest reasons I even had the chance on going to YAC. Fuck!! I've got to calm down, I'm getting worked up. I just, I thought I was stronger than that, but here I am, in my room alone, getting so caught up in my thoughts. I feel tears run down my face and I let them do so freely.
My phone vibrates from my bag, and I grab it out reluctantly. Emma's face lights up the screen, and I wipe my eyes quickly before accepting her FT call.
"Nini!! I miss you!" She squeals out. I clear my throat before responding that I miss her too, and she stares at me for a second in silence.
"You've been crying. Are you okay? What happened?" She asks worriedly, and I flip over onto my back and prop myself up on a pillow.
"Y'know, life and all it's glory," I reply sarcastically, before sighing loudly and continuing, "it's been like two weeks since I've been back and I'm just overwhelmed with everything, I don't know." I shrug and give her a half smile.
"And by everything, you clearly mean Ricky. Have you seen him since the party?" 
I scoff, shaking my head before saying,
"He and the rest of the guys are here. They just turned up,"
"Wait, really? Why?"
"I don't know, to make me suffer. I probably deserve it, I'm shitty." I mutter back,
"No no no, we aren't going down the self deprecation route."
"But-"
"-no buts Nins! Don't let them ruin your fun okay. I know you're hurting, I know it sucks, but I also know that there's a part of you that still cares about the kid, reason unbeknownst to me. But seriously. Have some fun, they are your friends at the end of the day, so it can't be that bad.
I know it's going to be tough with Ricky and all, but you're gonna be fine okay? You are amazing my dear!"
"I miss you so much Em, thank you."
"Miss you more Nins. No matter what, I got you."
I smile at her, and we say our goodbyes and hang up. I stare up at the ceiling thinking about what she said. She's right, I mean it's so obvious, but I clearly still care about Ricky so deeply. And it's both a shitty feeling, and a warming one. I don't know what it means, but it's exhausting me always being mad at him. I don't think I could forgive him, but could I at least try? Ugh, I don't fucking know. I just don't want things being awkward and tense anymore.
Checking the time, I see it's already 3pm meaning I've been up here for about an hour, which is baffling on its own accord. My phones gone off a few times, mostly from my friends, but they're respecting my space which I'm really grateful for. Deciding I'm okay enough to go back down, I head into the bathroom first and splash water on my face and look into the mirror. Thankfully my eyes aren't super red or puffy. I give myself a few words of encouragement, plaster on a smile and head back downstairs.
You got this Nini.