Worth Everything.

Pity Party.

NINI
I don't like remembering myself from a year ago. It's really really hard for me. Shit got bad, I got bad, and it took so much work and effort to come out of the dark place my head was in. And to learn that it was all a fucking lie.. breathe.
We got back home from our weekend away some days ago, honestly I don't even know what the date is today. The morning after his confession, after waking up alone and yet still feeling suffocated, I just needed to be gone. The girls came back not long after I woke up and caught me silently crying sitting on my bed, I was too sad to care, we packed everything up and took off. I didn't even have to tell them what happened, they knew. I'm guessing the guys filled them in, and now every one of my friends know that I'm not good enough for him, know that he had to make up this lie just to get me to leave him alone.
I slept the whole drive home, and have pretty much been in bed since.
Kourt, Ash, G and EJ are currently in my room, and I'm pretending that I'm asleep. I just can't be bothered right now, I know they're worried, worried about me reverting back to the shell of a person I was a year ago, but truthfully I just need some time to wallow and grieve? Then I'll be fine. I will be. I'm stronger than who I used to be. I'm not the pathetic girl I was back then, who couldn't cope with everything I was feeling, but I can now. Still doesn't mean I can't be sad about it though. Cause I am, I really am.
"Carol said she hasn't eaten more than a couple pieces of fruit since she's been home." G whispers to everyone. I just haven't had an appetite. That's all. Someone sits on the edge of my bed.
"Do you think she's going back—" Ash starts to ask, before Kourt interjects, "—No. Trust me. She's going to be okay. She's just hurt." She softly replies, and the tiniest smile graces my lips. She always has my back, no matter what.
"Shouldn't we go? We've been here for like 20 minutes and she's still asleep?" Ash asks our friends, and I hope they agree. I love my friends, wholeheartedly, and I'm sure I'll be grateful one day of them being here, but right now being alone sounds like heaven, and I just can't with their pity. So I keep my eyes closed, and my breathing even. I'm an actress, this is second nature.
"Yeah, we should go." Kourt says quietly. "I just want her to be okay." She adds on quickly. Me too Kourt.
"I'm gonna stay, if that's not weird? Carol and Dana left for work and they don't want Nins to be alone right now." EJ rushes out.
"Oh, I'll stay then. You go EJ." Kourt tells him, before G replies,
"You've got work in an hour Kourt, and you live 30 minutes away. You gotta go. EJ, thank you for staying here with our girl. Come on. Love you Nins." Love you too G.
"Try not make it a repeat of the last time you guys were alone together, ay cuz?" Ash says, stifling a small giggle. "Shut up. Have a great day all." EJ says sarcastically and they mutter their goodbyes before I hear them descend the stairs and head out the front door. 3 down, 1 to go.
I hear EJ sigh, and his weight shift at the end of the bed. Huh, so he sat down before. Lazy guy. He starts tapping my leg, annoyingly may I add, before clearing his throat,
"Okay Nins, I know you're not asleep. Talk to me." He says, and I ignore him, still pretending that I am indeed in a deep slumber.
"Nini, you aren't fooling me. You snore when you're upset." He says, and I shoot up in defence,
"I do not snore!" Shoot. Now he definitely knows I was up. Snorting, he replies with, "I know. I just knew you'd defend yourself."
"Dickhead. Well how'd you know I was awake then?"
"I saw your eyes open a couple times. Seriously, what kind of acting did they teach you at YAC? Can't even fake sleep?" He laughs, nudging me a little jokingly.
"Shut up, I had the girls fooled. I'm a terrific fake sleeper, thank you." I say defensively, "what are you doing here anyway? I thought it was obvious I'm not up for company." I say, as I pull my blankets up higher. I watch him as his face contorts with concern, his eyes a little grey.
"You've been wallowing for almost a week now Nins. And you've barely eaten. We're all worried." He says gently. The thing with EJ and I is despite being exes and all that, we really are quite close. It wasn't just attraction that bonded us at drama camp when we first started dating, it was a genuine friendship. The love triangle between he, Ricky and I threw a spanner in the works, but after we got over that, and we both moved on, the friendship picked right back up. The kiss that happened half a year ago between he and I was just that, a kiss. A mistake. EJ is one of my closest friends, there's not an inch of romance between us. Just a slight attraction, because let's face it, those blue eyes are dreamy.
"Nini? Hello?" He says, snapping me back into reality. "You zoned out for hot minute there." EJ tells me laughing, though the humour not really reaching his eyes. Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I sigh deeply and stare off into the corner of my room. Bottling my feelings in isn't helping anyone. May as well come out with it. Still avoiding eye contact, I start fiddling with my finger, a nervous habit I have,
"I'm just sad, you know? I just feel sad, and kind of numb, and I feel stupid and angry. He lied, EJ. And I don't know why. It makes this whole year of me hating myself and hating him, and all the messed up shit I did to myself and everyone I love, it makes my healing and growing and atoning and, I don't know, it makes it all feel like it was fucking worthless." I tell him quietly and shoot my eyes over to him to gauge his reaction. His face is clear of any harsh judgement, instead full of compassion and understanding, and in this moment, I'm grateful that he chose to stay. Didn't realise how much I wanted to talk about this, and as cliche as it is, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just from that sliver of an admission. He moves closer to me, and grabs my hand, halting my fidgeting. Scratching the back of his head, and taking a breath,
"I'm going to say a couple things, and I would like you to listen to the whole thing before replying. Okay?" He asks seriously, and I nod in response. Biting my tongue. Literally.
"Good. Thank you." He lets go of my hand before he starts on.
"First and foremost, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way Nins. You don't deserve it at all and being lied to like that is pretty fucking shitty. You are wonderful and amazing and beautiful, and nobody deserves being treated so poorly. I almost punched Ricky in the face when he told us." I raise my eyebrow at him, and he continues on, "All your feelings are valid and I need you to know that I'm always going to be here, as well as everyone else. We want to help you. You just, you just need to let us in Nins." He takes another breath and looks me in the eye, "there can't be a repeat of last year. I'm sorry for bringing that up and I know it hurts to think about it, and I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry about everything that happened. But Nins? Pushing us away, not eating, staying in bed all day isn't helping anyone, especially you Nins." I feel a few tears trickle down my face, but make no effort to wipe them away, knowing more are probably coming. This is hard. "Ricky fucked up big time. He is one of my best friends, and I care about him just as much as I care about you, he shouldn't have lied. But—"
"—No buts." I choke out, my voice thick with tears, and make no effort to continue when I see EJ glaring at me. I mouth a quick sorry, and he continues on,
"He regrets it, and has regretted it for a whole fucking year, Nins. He was so stupid to lie, and while I can't tell you why, I can tell you he's not been the same since that night. Honestly Nins, and I know you don't want to hear this, but you have to talk to him. Give him a chance to explain. Nobody expects you to forgive and forget, but it won't hurt to listen. He knows the most just how much he screwed everything up, but hearing him out and finding out the truth about it all is unbelievably important. Don't grit your teeth like that. Look, you both need and deserve closure Nini. Please just give him some time."
We sit in silence for what feels like hours. There's tears cascading down my face at this stage. I go to say something, but all the comes out is a strangled sob. EJ pulls me into a hug and lets me cry into his shoulder. We stay in this position for 10 minutes, and by the end of my sobfest, I must admit I feel a little better? It's almost like a release. I've been keeping all my feelings in, not wanting to tell anyone how I was feeling because I didn't want to concern them, ironic I know, and now they're out in the open. I'm feeling embarrassed and disappointed in myself for the I've been behaving. I'm allowed to be sad, but I should have talked to my friends more openly about how I was really feeling instead of acting the way I did. They have every reason to be concerned, and I shouldn't have allowed them to be in the first place. I wipe my face and grab a tissue from my bedside drawer to blew my nose into. Attractive. Taking a couple deeps breaths to stabilise myself, I look at EJ and tell him,
"I want so badly to be mad at you, but I know you're right. Of course you're right. I've been holding on, barely, and the way I've been acting is selfish especially after everything. Thank you for telling me the truth, even though it was hard hearing it. I needed to be made aware. You guys have a right to be concerned, and I should have made it clear that I was okay. There was no relapse, I've just been too caught up in myself that I was acting selfish. I'm really really sorry about that."
"Thank you." He replies softly with a small smile. I bite my nails, another nervous habit, before falling back into my pillows dramatically, and groaning out,
"Fuck, I really do have to talk to him, don't I?"
EJ lays back next to me and looks up at the ceiling as he replies back,
"Yep, pretty much."
"Since when have you become so wise and mature?" I ask sarcastically,
"Since moving to a whole new state, breaking up with Bella and dealing with yours and Rickys whiny asses. Somebody had to have their head screwed on." He replies back, before seeing the look on my face, and bursting out laughing.
"Hey! I'm not whiny!" I playfully nudge him, and then join in on the laughing.
"Alright then, Mr Wiseass. Enough of the laughing, come on! We have shit to do." I say, and rush to get up.
"What are we doing?" He asks curiously and stands up with me.
"Well I've got a lot of apologising to do, so you and I are going to bake some cookies and drop them off!" I say cheerfully, it's a little forced, but I am feeling better.
"Okay, sure. But first things first. You, uh, kinda smell, so into the shower you go!"