Worth Everything.

Idiot.

*AU NOTE.*
 Hi.
I'm sorry.
I'm really trying.
 Thanks for sticking around if you have. It's really, really appreciated.

NINI
Sometimes there are moments in your life where you're able to look back on and feel really happy with yourself. You did well on a school test after studying for hours, or when someone tells you they're proud of you, or you take a nice photo of yourself - for yourself. And that happy, gratuitous feeling warms you up from the inside out, and it is just lovely. Oh, how I wish this were one of those moments.
Okay, so I admit it, I overshared with Ricky. It was a whole lot of information, and details, and emotions to take in one sitting for one person. And you know what else? I knew that it was a lot, but as soon as I opened my big fucking mouth, everything came out. Like, I even told him that I slept with someone and fucking cried about it?! Like, what the fuck Nina. And then I end it cheesily asking if we can be friends? As if I didn't just dump a truck load of over a years worth of heavy shit on his doorstep.
Seriously, I'm an idiot.
And not to mention the fact that despite me genuinely stating that it wasn't his fault (the way I acted and behaved afterwards) I know he's going to blame himself for it all.. And Ricky doesn't deserve that. We were both at fault for our own messed up shit and are responsible for our own  and I hope he understands that I really do forgive him.
He's yet to say anything, he's been fiddling with his hands as I chew on my bottom lip. I think I've said enough for a whole fucking lifetime, so I guess it's up to Ricky to break this awkward silence.

RICKY
I mean, of course. Of course I want to be back in Nini's life, in any way she'd take me. I fucked up, I know that, she knows that, everyone knows that. I made the stupid mistake of lying to her, allowing her to believe that I cheated on her, and only told her the truth about it a whole ass year later. Does that mean that I shouldn't feel upset and shocked and, frankly, overwhelmed by what she told me? No. Obviously not, because that's just a small portion of what I'm feeling. I know, I asked for it, literally. But damn, it was a lot to take in at once. I didn't know what I expected, I know she was hurt, because I was as well.. But I wasn't aware of the extent, and knowing that she was hurting so fucking badly because of something that I did, and not being able to help her through it fucking kills me. It's been silent for too long now, so I look up from my hands to see her biting down on her bottom lip. We're both nervous. Okay Bowen, say something. Anything will do. 

"I'm sorry Nins." I tell her, and she looks at me with wide eyes.
"Oh, you don't want to be friends? Oh! Okay, cool yeah. No I get it. I get it." She starts to scramble around, gathering her things. Fuck no.
"No, no. Of course I want to be friends again, Nins. Of course I do. I mean, I am sorry. For everything. For the past year, for making you feel the way you felt. I'm so fucking sorry for it all Nini."
"Hey, it's okay. I'm okay now. I'm responsible for the way I acted though, Ricky. Please don't think it was your doing." She says gently and I hear the genuine sincerity in her voice. I don't deserve it.. Fuck. I can feel myself getting mad. 
"I just wish I knew what to say right now Nins, fuck.." I begin as I shake my head.
"You don't have to say anything. I'm sorry for dumping all that on you." She says quietly as she fiddles with the rings on her fingers. Huh. I think she's wearing one I gave her.. No, can't get distracted.
"No, it's okay. I mean, sure, it was a lot, but it's whatever," I say with an awkward chuckle before continuing,
"I'd love to be friends with you again, Nini. But if I'm being honest, I don't know why you would want that.." Seriously.
 "I'm so fucking sorry. I.. Like, I did that to you?" Yup.
 "I lied and abandoned you, and fucked up, I fucked up, and you were struggling and not only was I not there to help you, but I was the person who made you that way! ME!" Piece of shit.
 "Fuck Nini. I'm disgusted with myself, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for all the pain and hurt and heart break you went through because of what I did Nini, please know that." I basically beg to her as I take a deep breath to calm myself. 
"Ricky, no! It's not your fault. It was all a shit show, and it all fucking sucked, but it wasn't just you! We were young, and stupid and in love, and then we broke up, and yeah, it felt like the world was ending, but it didn't Ricky. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions and that made it all worse. I was just like ball of negativity that pushed everyone away, so of course I wasn't okay. It's not your fault, I dealt with everything in the worst possible ways and I am the only person to blame for myself. Me. Not you. Please Ricky." She chokes the last sentence out, her voice thick with emotion. I know she's telling her truth, and I know I need to let this shit go. But fuck it's hard. I need to calm down. Deep breaths dude. A couple minutes of deep breaths, and self soothers will clear your head enough to say something without putting your fucking foot in your fucking mouth.
Okay. I lie on my back and stare up at the sky, not wanting to meet her eyes right now. Still feel her stare though. I take one more breath,
"I'm trying to understand Nins. This is all just a lot of information that I need to sift through. I think, deep down, I know that what you're saying is true.. But for now, it feels like this is all my doing and I'm just going to need a little time to go through it, you know?"
"Okay. Thank you for the talk Ricky." She says quietly, and I feel her moving around. Looking at her, finally, I see that she's gathering the last of her things into her bag. Hmm. Something in me is begging for her to stay, just for a little longer before we head our separate ways once more. Fuck it. 
"Do you, maybe, want to just lie down here with me? Look up at the sky and talk about life like we used to? Play blissfully ignorant for a little longer?" She halts what she's doing and looks down at me timidly, biting her bottom lip. It's so tense between us, but wow she's fucking cute.
"I promise I won't bite."
She lets out a small chuckle before throwing her hands into the air and lays next to me gently. 
"Fuck it." She lets out with a breathy laugh, and I join quietly.
"Exactly."

NINI
"It was like verbal diarrhoea. I'm so embarrassed." I whine into my hands to my friends. After the quiet drive back to my place, and Ricky saying he'll text me once he's done being 'inside my fucked up brain' (his words), I sent out a 911 to the group chat and they all came rushing over.
"Girl, stop. You said what you needed to say after so long of keeping everything in. You have to feel a little lighter, surely?" Ash says after I explain everything to them.
"I mean, I guess, but I also can't help but feel so bad for just laying it on so thick. I didn't even give him a chance to breathe. It just came out." It really did, I keep replaying it.
"That does seem like a lot of info to take in, to be fair." Seb says from the egg chair quietly. I knew it, fuck. 
"It is a lot, but not too much that he can't handle Nins." Kourt says from beside me, and I rest my head against her shoulder.
"Look Nins, I love him, he's one of my best friends. But he still fucked up. He did what he did, and you may not blame him, but I do a little. I can't help it. So while I am sorry that he was overwhelmed with all that shit, and I truly hope he's okay, that small petty part of me is sort of relishing that he's been knocked back. Fuck, does that make me a bitch?" Gina, who is sitting on the edge of my bed, blurts out, and we all stare at her.
"I thought I'd be saying something like that. Impressed." Kourtney mumbles.
"Oh G, you nasty little darling!" Seb says with a slight chuckle.
"A little. But I love you regardless. Thank you for being honest." I tell Gina truthfully 
"It was just so hard seeing you go through it, and then finding out it was a lie? Like, I'm still mad about it Nins. How are you not?" She asks me.
"I agree, it broke my heart being so far away while you were hurting. I felt useless. And then for it to all be this lie.. I don't know, it was kind of like getting the wind knocked out of me." Ash agrees, and I hear Seb and Kourt mumble in agreement. I get it, I wouldn't understand as well if it were any of them in this situation. I take a deep breath, not knowing how to word it.
"I am still a little angry. I mean, come on, I can hold a grudge like no other. But I just realised that being mad wasn't helping anyone. You know? Not me, not him, not you guys. And I don't know if I'm making excuses for him, but he was right kind of. I was going to leave YAC, and I probably would have resented him for it in the long run. I don't know. What he did was shitty, I know, and it broke my heart, but I couldn't let it continue to rule my fucking life anymore. Maybe I'm just an idiot, but I'm done with being mad at him.. Well, I'm trying anyway." I say quietly.
"You're not an idiot. You're fucking incredible Nins." Seb tells me.
"And clearly more mature than me." G interludes,
"SAME." Ash adds on, I feel myself blush.
"Shut up guys." I say, and start fidgeting with the rings on my fingers. 
"Stop being so hard on yourself Neeners and stop feeling like it's your fault with how he or any of us feel. Take your own advice and acknowledge that we are all, as humans, responsible for our own feelings." Kourtney tells me, and I can't help but groan. Her and her everlasting wisdom.
"Fuckkkkk, I know. Ugh, fuck you for using my words against me."
"You're an empathetic angel, Nins. It's one of your most endearing qualities, and I'm sorry that you're not feeling too good right now." She says.
"It just fucking sucks.. This whole thing fucking sucks." I tell them all as I shrug my shoulders.
"It can only go up from here Nins. You did the right thing. Now you both can heal and move on." Ash says, and something about that sentence made me feel a little sad.. I don't want to get into it right now though. So instead I smile at her, genuinely, and nod.
 "You've been at rock bottom long enough. Come back to the surface you beautiful mermaid." Gina says.
We all turn to look at her, as she stares back with a puzzled look.
"What?"
"What the fuck was that analogy about a mermaid?" Seb says as he bursts out laughing.
"Mermaids need water to survive G, the surface would not be the best place." Ash says through laughs.
"It was a good attempt?" Kourt snickers and Gina huffs out.
"You guys suck." She says as she crosses her arms, making us laugh even harder. I pull her into a hug as I laugh with my friends.
"I love you mermaid queen, thank you." 
"Bullies." She mutters out, before cracking a smile and joining us.

It may have been a distraction from the carnage in my head, but it was what I needed. I feel lighter than I have in a while, and I think I am on the road to healing.
I just hope that Ricky is too.