Worth Everything.

Downhill.

— FLASHBACK —
1 year, 1 month ago

RICKY
Things aren't great right now. I'm just walking around on eggshells waiting for Nini to text me or call me or whatever. We had an argument over something so fucking small and it blew up, and now.. I don't know. I just don't know. All we do is argue these days.
First it was because.. Well. I got drunk in Chicago with Todd's daughter, Ariel. She was going to a party, and I didn't want to be left alone with my mom and Todd so I went with her. Nothing happened, I didn't think it was a big deal. Nini pushed me to go to Chicago after all.
Then it was small things, not texting or calling each other when we said we would.
We had an argument about some girl commenting on my Instagram, but I don't even know who the fuck Maggie is. Like seriously! I think we have English together. But Nini went off on me.
And then I saw some dude, James, on her Snapchat story. She told me they were just friends, but I couldn't help but get angry and jealous.
Now, we aren't talking because she can't make it home for the weekend and I planned a whole thing. She's too busy with some choreography assignment or something, so I got mad and disappointed and we haven't really spoken since then. That was three days ago.
Long distance fucking sucks.
With trialling different anxiety meds, travelling to and from Chicago, and just the business of life, my relationship with Nini is taking a hit. And I didn't mean it to be like this, to make our relationship a lesser priority, but it happened.
My mom and I are rebuilding our relationship, and we visit each other twice a month. Either me in Chicago or her coming to Salt Lake. It's been hard, and emotional, but I know it's what I need to lead a happy life.
The meds are another story. I'm trialling out different brands and dosages. Some make me zombie like, others have made me ping off the walls, and it's been exhausting finding the balance. And I also I haven't actually told her about the official diagnosis of my panic disorder. I've had to beg and plead with our friends to not tell her, and while they don't agree, they understand it's my decision to make.
Look, I'm going to tell her, but how can I when she isn't answering any of my fucking calls.
And what sucks the most, more than missing her, more than keeping stuff from her.. What sucks the most is seeing her change. She isn't as happy anymore, she's not the bubbly, energetic girl she was just a couple months ago. We never would have let a dumb girl commenting on my IG or some guy on her story would affect us so much, but it did. It's like she's losing herself, and I can't help but think that it's my fault.

NINI
Day three of resisting the urge to call Ricky, to apologise for blowing up on him, to come grovelling back. But, I can't. I won't. I wanted to come home so much, but I've been really distracted lately, my classes and grades are slipping. I had to make the decision to stay, so I wouldn't fail my class. I thought he would understand that.
We've been arguing, it's kind of become the norm. It started a few months ago, after his trip to Chicago. Like who gets drunk in an unknown state, with someone he barely knows. I get that he was uncomfortable, but he wasn't there to get hammered, he was there for his Mom.
And then the minuscule things, not replying to one another, but we've just been busy. My classes are getting harder, I haven't had as much time to reply.
Then we got angry at each other for other people on our social media's, and it's just shitty because that's not something we've ever had to worry about before.
I think what makes it worse is I know he's hiding something from me. I know he is, but I don't know what and it makes me angry and feel insecure and crazy. We never used to hide things from each other, and now he's not telling me something and it's like I'm in this constant state of sadness, and I don't know how to get out of it.
I snap out of my daze when I my phone go off.
'NINI! Surprise we're in denver for the weekend. Come hang out xx' - Seb
I read the text, and squeal. This is a good substitute to not being able to go home for the weekend, and I've practised the choreo enough for tonight.
'Text me where you are, I'm so excited to see you!' I reply back to Seb, wondering briefly who he's with. Maybe Ricky?