Worth Everything.

But.

RICKY

"I really fucking miss you too."

Wait, holy shit.. Did Nins really just say she misses me as well? Like, me? After everything.. She misses me?  I thought she hated me, and I honestly wouldn't blame her for it.. I look up at her for the first time since admitting that I miss her, and my heart stops when I see the tears falling down her face. I have to fight the urge to reach over to her to wipe them away, and I wish like hell that I could do anything to make it better. But of course, I can't do that. I fucked everything up, and for what? I need to explain.. Oh god, she caught me staring at her. What is she going to think? Probably that I'm an idiot. I've been gawking at her for too long for it to not be weird. She feebly laughs as she wipes her tears, shaking her head a little, and exhales.   

"Don't look so surprised, of course I miss you Ricky.. We were best friends our whole lives. Not having you in my life fucking sucks," Nini tells me quietly, clearing her throat, before quickly adding on, "Shit, I'm a mess. Sorry. Fuck, uh, can you pass my water bottle please? It's in my bag next to you." she asks me nonchalantly 

"No, don't apologise for anything. I should be apologising.. Fuck, that's why we're here. Here's your bottle." I reply back. I chose to ignore the small pang in my heart when she said she misses me as a friend, not something else.. 

She grabs the bottle from me accidentally grazing my hand in the process and like in every teen movie as soon as they touch electricity shoots through my body. Crazy, the effect she still has on me. She pulls her hand away quickly, her cheeks going rosy as she takes a long drink. Putting her bottle down, she wipes her hands on her pants and looks at me, her bottom lip between her teeth, and says,

"Well, I guess I'm ready whenever you are."

Fuck. To say I'm nervous would be an understatement. I actually chose take one of my anxiety pills before picking Nini up to ease my nerves. It's not really encouraged, driving while taking them, because these ones make you drowsy, but I felt that I needed it. Red was about to smack me over the head with my skateboard because I couldn't stop freaking out. Luckily, my body is used to these meds, so I don't get the side effects as harshly as I used to when I first started on them. Like I said though, I needed it. Although I don't depend on my meds everyday like I used to, I've found other ways to deal with what goes on in my head and body, however having to confess everything to the girl whose heart you broke seemed like a good time for it.

We're sitting across from each other on a blanket, with the delicious lumpia Nini brought with her (which honestly almost made me cry at the gesture/memories it bought), and anyone looking from the outside in would see two people enjoying each others company this warm evening in Salt Lake together. When in reality Nini looks like she's going to break down, and I feel like I'm going to be sick. Appearance vs reality, ya know? A universal theme we learn about in English class and it's currently my life. Ha. Thank you Miss Banner for teaching us about that. Right, I'm quite clearly stalling, distracting my mind into thinking about mundane things, instead of the reason Nini and I decided to meet up.  Okay fuck, you can do this. Ricky, take a deep breath, look Nini in the eyes, and explain to her why you made the biggest mistake of your life.. FUCK. 

"Shit, fuck okay. Nini, please remember, I'm so sorry. I need that to be clear, I am so fucking sorry for everything.. You deserve the truth. So here goes.. Uh, keep in mind, I'm a rambler, you know that already. So it might be all over the place, so ya know, feel free to let me know when I start rambling on and on. Okay, and by the look on your face I see I'm doing so right now, fuck my bad. Okay. I guess it starts a couple of months before EJs graduation party," she visibly winces, but nods her head encouraging me to keep talking,
"You and I had gotten into one of our bigger arguments over not being able to see each other, and we hadn't talked for a few days, and then most of our friends went and surprised you for the weekend.. Do you remember that?" 
"I remember everything," Nini says back in a quiet, yet harsh tone.
"Right, yeah. Your memory is terrifyingly good. Um. Well when they got home we met at the bunker, and I knew immediately something was wrong. It was like, almost an intervention for me, and they basically told me that.. Well, they told me that you weren't doing so great.." I trail off, as I look at her and notice hurt quickly flash through her eyes, and her mouth opens slightly as if she was about to say something, but nothings comes out of her mouth. I take a breath in and wipe my clammy hands on the blanket. I concentrate on a spot on the blanket before continuing,
"I knew, you know? I just knew you weren't coping as well as you tried making us all believe. But hearing it from our friends, knowing that they could see for themselves that you were struggling.. I don't know, Nins. Something in me cracked, and I started to freak out a little. I hadn't told you about my anxiety yet as well, which just made things worse, and I didn't know how to handle everything going on in my life."
"So you lie to me about fucking someone else to make it better?" She asks coldly, not looking at me at all.
"Uh, fuck. Um, no, I'm not up to that part yet.. Um. And then.. And then EJs party..  Shit, no. Um. Oh! Then you came back for the weekend, like a week or something before, uh, that night, and-"
"-- and I thought we had a really good time together. If I remember correctly, you seemed happy and in love! Crazy shit right? Fuck, who knows though. Maybe it was just the sex that made you happy." She snaps at me, forcing the words through her gritted teeth and I feel my heart sink.
What the fuck? Is that really what she thinks?? Have I really made her doubt how fucking incredible she is? Fuck.
"Really Nini? You think I just wanted sex?! That's the reason why I was so happy? And 'in love'?" I scoff at her, and can't help but roll my eyes. She goes to say something, and I ignore it, choosing to carry on,
"Fuck Nins, we could have been sitting in opposites sides of the house, not talking to each other, and I still would have been the happiest, in love person because you were finally home again! You were back in Salt Lake, and back in my arms, and my heart felt like it was finally whole again!" I all but yell at her, which pisses her off even more. Her face is going red, and her fingers clench to her side.
"Then why?! Tell me what changed in that ONE WEEK break from that weekend to EJs party! Why the fuck lie about something like that, Ricky!!" She demands from me, furious tears welling in her eyes.
"I'm getting there! Just gimme a damn second." I snap back at her her and take a couple breaths in. I automatically feel bad for snapping at her and want to apologise, I opt not to. I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed, and frankly, getting pissed off with the incessant interruptions.. Hmph. I scratch the back of my head, something I do when I'm feeling frustrated. I expected all of this, so I did as much mental preparation for this before we arrived. Which obviously wasn't enough because I'm still getting mad. She's angry, understandably so, and I'm getting angry back, and I just need a couple more stabilising breaths. I close my eyes and run my fingers through my hair, another self soothing mechanism, and continue on,
"Then you told me that you were thinking, seriously thinking, about leaving YAC and coming back to East High. And Nins, believe me, I wanted nothing more than that to happen. It was selfish, and I knew, if I said a couple more encouraging things about coming back, you would have. And I almost did, but--"
"--But you didn't say shit. It looked like you barely cared when I told you." She tells me bitterly, the pain evident.
"Come on Nins, seriously?! Of course I wanted you back home. And you telling me that had me internally jumping for joy.. I mean, what kind of selfish asshole would I have been if I let that happen?"
"Doesn't matter what kind of asshole you would have been anyway, you broke my heart the week after." She says and looks past me to the tree behind us. I see her eyes start glossing over again, and my heart aches. Some of my anger and frustration disappearing when I see how hurt she still is.
"I'm sorry Nins, I really am." I tell her genuinely, and she diverts her eyesight back to me, gives me a pointed look that I know all to well before deeply sighing and carry on with my explanation, confession, I don't know.
"After you left that weekend all I had going through my head was how you told me that you were going to transfer back to East High. And I was stoked, I was smiling from ear to ear about you coming home. Then I realised that by you coming back, you'd be giving up the amazing opportunity you had for you at YAC. So that feeling of happiness didn't last too long when I realised just how selfish I was acting. I wanted you to come back so fucking much, but who was I to tell you that? Who would I have been if I let you pass up on something like YAC?"
"My best friend, whose opinion I trusted more than almost anyone else." 
"Your best friend who wanted you to have the best chance at doing something you're passionate about. And East High wasn't the place for that Nins, YAC was. I couldn't let you try fuck up your future for me.."
"No, no! That's not fair Ricky. Leaving wasn't about you! I wasn't happy at YAC, I was struggling. It was for me, not you."
"Maybe so.. But I wasn't helping Nins. We were arguing all the time, and I know it put a strain on everything."
"Couples argue, it's a normal thing!" she lets out, throwing her hands in the air
"Quit being so stubborn Roberts and see the situation for what it was." She gives me a small pained look, before biting her lip and looking away again.
 "Look, I know I made you happy. However, I also know that a lot of your sadness, a lot of the struggle was because you missed me. And I know this because I felt the same, Nini!"
She wipes at her face and turns my way and we stare at each other just for a moment, before she breaks the silence.
"Fuck, fine! So what! I loved you and I missed you and it was fucking shit! It wasn't entirely about you, I really was having a hard time adjusting. And yes, missing you and everyone hurt like hell. I was alone and sad all the fucking time, and frankly, a little in over my head. Is that what you wanted to hear, Ricky?!" She chokes out, and her breathing is becoming a bit rigid. I hear her sigh, and see her shake her head at whatever it was she was thinking about.
"No, that's, no--"
"--And I still don't understand how all of this had anything to do with what happened between us, Ricky." She says, and her voice  sound so defeated. I feel my eyes prick, and soon enough, I know they're welling up. She just looks sad. 
"I want to ask if you're okay, but I know you're not. And I want to apologise again, but I also know that you don't want to hear it. So, I'm just going to carry on." I tell her, and she shrugs her shoulders.
"I didn't plan on breaking up with you like that. I wasn't sure.. I knew I had.. Fuck." I mumble out and look down at my hands. I don't really want to relive that night. 
"So you were always going to break up with me anyway?" She asks me quietly, and I immediately regret what I just said. Because the truth is, I don't know what the fuck I was going to do. But how do I tell her that, when she wants, and deserves, solid answers? Fuck! This is so fucking frustrating. I tell her the whole truth about that night.  
"It's complicated, I know, don't give me that look, I know. I can't think of any other way to explain than to tell you what was going on in this fucked up head of mine, from the time I picked you up and you were wearing that little black dress, looking so beautiful, to when I watched Seb and Kourt take you away from me."
"Okay." She tells me simply.  I take a deep breath in, preparing to relive that awful fucking night, and look at her in her gorgeous eyes full of unshed tears,
"Okay. Here goes."