Worth Everything.

Ice Breaker.

NINI
Okay, shit, I know this trip was really bad timing, but it was planned literally months ago and I couldn't (and didn't want to) cancel it. Like, hello?? I'm a barely graduated high school student who starts working next week, I can't afford to be wasting money. Suck it up.. And honestly it was a really good time. I've spent the last week in Montana with Em and Kaia, and sitting in the aeroplane, all 15000ft in the air, I'm feeling fairly refreshed after being away from Utah. So while it wasn't the best timing, I don't regret seeing my friends. 

After EJ put me in my place, I knew I immediately had to apologise to everyone for worrying them the way I did. We baked some cookies, a lot of cookies, and I took them around to all of my friends and family and apologised profusely for the way I was acting. I especially grovelled to my parents, because they didn't deserve to be reminded of a time where I hated myself so fucking much.. They all forgave me. I'm not sure I deserve the forgiveness, but I'm grateful for sure.

 I also made some for Ricky, but I couldn't bring myself to drop them off. EJ put things into perspective, sure, but I was and still am hurt. I don't know. I just ended up grabbing Rickys number from EJ and shot him a text asking to meet up and talk about everything when I get back from Montana. Which is in a couple of hours I guess. Huh. I don't know, I'm like, pretty frickin' nervous, my stomach is in knots just thinking about it. We both clearly have things we need to say, without the influence of alcohol, so as painful as I know it's going to be, its necessary. I'm over having what happened between he and I looming over us, and everyone else. I've accepted that he probably just didn't love me anymore, and was too young and immature to break up with me respectfully. Cause ya know, I don't deserve to be treated with fucking decency, do I? Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!! breathe. Okay. Maybe I haven't accepted it, because I really truly, wholeheartedly, believed we were in love. Ouch, that hurts my heart thinking about it ha. That's the purpose of us talking though, isn't it? Finally getting the answers that have torn me up for so long, and letting bygones be bygones. I need to stop thinking about it though, I'm working myself up and relaxing is probably a better path to chose right now. I am all over the place both, mentally and physically ha ha ha. 

Alright, with an hour left up in the air, I'm going switch my brain off, watch The OA (big F U to Netflix for cancelling this show) and immerse myself in the world of Prairie.

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Seb picked me up from the airport a couple of hours ago, bless his heart, and told me in detail about he, Ash, C and G are planning on doing an extravagant production (on the smallest budget) of Camp Rock and begged me to join. I think I will, it sounds really fun, and a good way to spend my free time between working, as well as getting to hang out with some of my favourite people. I also didn't tell him, or anyone for that matter, about Ricky and I meeting up after dinner with my parents and Lola. It's Ricky, and while I don't trust him with my heart, I trust him with my life, I know I'll be safe with him. I just don't want to have to deal with all the questions and everything.

My Moms have both gone to drop Lola back off and I stayed behind to tidy things up, and mentally prepare myself for talking to Ricky. Of course, clearing up meant I had to eat most of the leftover lumpia and now I am both uncomfortably full and uncomfortably nervous. Great decision making on my part. One of the things I missed most about being away in Denver is being with Lola and learning about my Filipino culture. (Is it obvious my mind is moving at high speed right now? Nervous habit) We made lumpia tonight, a Filipino spring roll with pork and garlic, and holy shit, they were tasty. I think the last time I had these was about two years ago, with Ricky actually. He and I picked her up for the day and we spent it learning about my heritage and hearing the stories from her past. I remember how much he loved making them as well as eating them. Hmm, my heart hurts. I don't really take pleasure in remembering these things though, you know? Like. It was nice. Really, very nice.. but, also.. I don't know.