Worth Everything.

Numb.

RICKY

The sun has almost set and I wish I could appreciate how beautiful the sky looks right now. With a beautiful girl, delicious food, a gorgeous sky, I look like I'm living the dream right now. And yet my heart palpitating tells another story. The fact that I can barely look at Nini tells another story. I can't stop my leg from shaking like crazy, and playing with a fucking twig I found, tells another story. I want to say something, I probably should say something, anything, but I can't find it in me to let anything out. Nini is staring at her hands, she keeps fidgeting with her rings, it would be almost mesmerising if I didn't know she did that when she was upset.
I told her the truth, the whole truth, even small details that had no significance. She knows everything about that night and now, I guess, it's up to her. I don't know, I don't know. As usual my head is zooming a million thoughts and scenarios and scrutiny and this silence is killing me.
I should say something. Should I say something?? Yeah. I should say something.
"Nini?" Nothing.
"Nins?" An exhale of breath.
"Roberts.." She lies down on the blanket and stares up to the sky.
At least she's making noise. This gives me a bit of hope. I think.
"What's going on up there?" I ask her quietly as I lightly tap her head.
She shakes her head in response and closes her eyes.
"Can I lay down next to you?" I ask, feeling both awkward as fuck and bold as fuck.
She nods her head, eyes still closed, and pats the spot next to her.
I lay next to her, something I have done in over a year, and my heart feels like it's going to burst. I stare up at the pretty sky and attempt to ease my mind. I feel her shift next to me and turn to see her facing my way. Wow, I want to kiss her. OH, fuck. Delete, delete, delete.
"So it was all a lie?" She asks me as we stare into each others eyes.
"Yeah. I'm so sorry Nins." I tell her and watch as hurt fills her eyes.
"This really sucks Ricky."
"I know."
I watch as a few tears fall from her eyes, and my heart breaks a little more. She should be angry, she should be yelling and screaming at me, calling me every name under the sun. But here she is looking absolutely defeated, crying and hurt. Fuck. Fuck. Where's the passion gone?
"Why aren't you mad? You have every right to be mad?"
"I am," she tells me with a small sad smile, "I am so angry."
This is so fucking weird, I'm so confused. She doesn't seem angry at all.
"Then act like it. I deserve it!!" I tell her, not being able to control the annoyance in my voice. She needs to be mad. I need her to be mad at me. She just shrugs her shoulders, and looks up at the sky. This is getting on my nerves.
"Why are you acting like this?! Why aren't you swearing at me, why aren't you walking away or pushing my buttons!! This isn't you! You get mad and you show it. You let me know what I've done wrong, and it pisses me off, and you're usually fucking right. I just don't get it!" I say frustratingly and sit up, throwing my hands in the air out of frustration. This doesn't make sense, and it makes me feel really uncomfortable and weird.
"I've just had a really long day, Ricky, and I'm tired and it's getting late. Can you please take me home?" She asks me in a monotonously and I look at her in disbelief.
"Seriously Nini?" I snap at her automatically, my mind taking over my mouth.
"I'm sorry I'm not reacting the way you want me to. Are you taking me home or what?" She says, and a small hint of anger peaks through her facade. I don't know, do I count that as a tiny victory? Hmm, probably not. I just confessed to lying to her for over a year, I lose in every way. I don't know. This is all unfamiliar territory, and I don't know how to act. I exhale deeply, nodding my head and start packing our set up away.

We drive back to her house in silence and she stares out the window the entire time. I know we both have things we want and need to say, but Nini can't right now, and I need to respect that. From the corner of my eye, I see her shoulders move up and down roughly and I know she's crying. I wish I could do something to help her. Fuck. I feel a couple tears well up in my own eyes and let them drop before quickly wiping them dry, and pulling up to her place. She grabs her stuff, leaving me the food, and opens the door to leave, and I follow suit. She moves her body back in my direction, her eyes are red and puffy and bites her lip, and I inhale sharply. I did that.
"Um, you don't have to walk me back. Thank you for tonight. Thank you for telling me everything. I, uh. I'm sorry, I- shit, thank you Ricky." She mumbles out and runs to her front door. I sit in my car astonished. What was that? I fight every urge to run to her, screaming for her to just say something, something that makes me see, well, the old Nini. I literally watched as she turned into a shell of a person in front of my fucking eyes, and I didn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I'm kind of freaking out right now. Fuck. I stare at my hands clenched against my steering wheel so tightly at my knuckles are white. What just happened? From the corner of my eye I see Nini's bedroom light turn on and I look up at her window. I see her silhouette as she goes to draw her curtains and she pauses when she sees that I'm still here. I can't see any of her facial expressions, or anything really, other than her outline, but I can see her pressing her hand against her window and I think she moved her other hand to her heart. My heart clenches. We stay staring at each other for a moment before she closes her curtains and disappears from sight.
I drive home, eventually, in a bit of haze. Thankfully the roads were almost empty. What a fucking day. I'm so confused, I just need some rest man. I nod to my Dad on the way up the stairs, and he can tell I don't want to be bothered. Thankfully. I walk up my steps with heavy legs, and push open my door. My bed welcomes me with open arms, and I close my eyes hoping like hell that Nini is okay.. Well, and that I get some sleep.

NINI

How can someone feel nothing, but also everything all at once? I feel like my body is numb, but my mind is on fire, full fucking blaze. 

Ricky lied.
 Ricky lied and I don't know how to feel. 

I step into my bedroom after managing to avoid my parents downstairs, heading straight to the window to draw my curtains.
I just want to sleep, I don't want to think about him or anything right now. Because I know if I think about it, I'm going to lose control, and I can't fucking do that. Not again.
 Fuck. I freeze when I realise that he's still there. I stand at my window and stare at the guy who I once trusted with my heart, and he stares right back. I feel a wave of nostalgia hit me, and it's almost as if someone has just slammed into my chest. We hold each others gaze for what feels like an eternity, and I subconsciously end up placing one hand to my heart, and the other to the window pane. Some silly little thing we used to do.. Fuck. Why the fuck does my body still react to him. It's so natural, these small subconscious things my body does in response to him and I don't even realise I'm doing half the shit until it's too late.
I hate it, I fucking hate it. I can't keep doing this to myself.
Drawing my curtains quickly, clenching my eyes closed all I see are pocket full of colours, hoping that the images of this evening, and of Ricky, and of that night disappear from my mind. No such luck. Go figure. Opening my eyes again, I inhale a deep breath, taking a moment to compose myself, before grabbing my phone out of my pocket and sitting on my bed. I see a few missed texts and calls from my friends, and realise I haven't checked my phone since dinner, a few hours ago. Shit. Ha. I guess time flies when you find out the past year was based on a lie. I ignore them all, just not in the mood to put up a false pretence and switch my phone off completely. I'll respond to everyone tomorrow. I feel weird.
Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.
I feel tears threatening to spill over and decide that a shower is the only liable solution for my current state. I need to feel clean. Be cleansed of the invasive thoughts that are fighting their very hardest to dominate my head right now. I make my way sluggishly to the bathroom, and bump into Mama D, having not paid attention to my surrounding.
"Shit, sorry Mom." I tell her quietly, not looking up as I talk to her. I know it's rude, and I know she hates when I don't look at her as I speak, but I don't want her seeing me right now. I must look a mess, I feel a mess. 
"It's okay. Look up next time, hey?" She says back, and I nod in response and step past her. I feel her touch my arm and I know I've been caught.
"What's wrong Nins?" She asks and bends to look at my face. I almost break down into her arms then and there, but for whatever reason, I don't. I lie. Like he lied.
"I'm feeling pretty gross right now, something I ate on the plane I think." I tell her, the excuse springing to my mind automatically.
"Oh no. Plane food is always hit or miss. You are looking pretty pale right now. Do you need anything? You don't feel hot, which is good." She asks, concern etched on her face, and places a hand on my head to check my temperature.
"Just going to have a shower and go bed. I should be okay in the morning." I tell her meekly. Glad she's believing me right now, and thankful for the many drama classes I attended.
"Okay then sweetie, if you say so. Let us know if you need anything, I know you're basically an adult now, but you're still our baby." She tells me with a  tight hug, and again, I feel like I'm going to cry. Keep it together Nini.
"I know you big ol sap. Thanks Mom. I love you, goodnight." I say, attempting to joke around, as I hug her back. I love my Moms so much, and that thought kind of does it for me.
"I love you, goodnight."

We make our way into our respective rooms, and I rush turn the shower on immediately to drown out the noises I'm making right now. Tears are streaming down my face and my breathing has become rigid. I have to bite down on my lip so hard to stop myself from screaming, that I can taste blood in my mouth. Fuck, fuck, fuck!!
I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to fucking cry!!!
I'm so fucking confused, and sad, and angry. I'm so angry. 
All that shit I went through the past year was for NOTHING!! The endless days and nights of me literally not being able to keep food down, the fucking crying, the hatred of him and of myself.. FUCK. The scary fucking weight loss, inability to trust and open up to new people, the sadness and the insecurities? The worry and concern all my friends and family had?? FOR WHAT! FOR A FUCKING LIE!!?? That he thought would better me? Fuck man. FUCK.
FUCK, FUCK. I can't go down this road again. I am so much stronger now, but this shit hurts a different kind of pain. My heart feels empty? Like there's just an ache of missing something. I strip my clothes off and jump into the shower, turning the heat up high. I need to wash away these feelings. I don't want to feel.

I'm going to allow myself tonight, to grieve and mourn and process.
Then tomorrow is a new day and I will be okay.
 I hope with every fibre of my being that I will be okay.