Worth Everything.

A Confession.

NINI
"So now you've got nothing to say? Of course not," I say scoffing as I wipe furiously at the tears that have made their way down my cheeks. He's just sat there saying absolutely nothing since I exposed my feelings. Obviously he doesn't care, he made that abundantly clear when he cheated. Why did I expect him to react in anyway other than to ignore everything? Stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm so stupid. He still hasn't said anything! So stupid Nini! Crying over someone who doesn't care.
Fuck this. I can't handle the silence anymore, can't handle sitting next to him, can't handle the tears that refuse to stop falling down my face, so I wipe my face, take a deep breath and stand to leave.
"Nini, please don't go," Ricky croaks out, but I ignore him. So he can talk. I don't want to do this right now. I just want to go to sleep. Just need to get past him, then I can leave. I hurriedly make my way past him,
"Fuck Nini, give me a chance to explain! You always just leave!" This stops me completely. Is he serious? I always leave? He pushed me away!
"Are you fucking kidding Ricky?" I spit at him, and he recoils before shaking his head, pulling at his hair and taking a breath.
"I'm sorry, shit. Please, I just need a minute. Please?" He asks me, and my heart aches hearing his voice crack.
FUCK. Why am the fuck do I continue to put myself through this shit. My anger is slowly dissipating now. The anger high I was riding coming to an abrupt stop after hearing him plead for me to stay.
"Okay then." I say in a small voice as I walk back to my seat beside him. I just know that I'm going to regret this in the morning.
We sit in silence. I can tell Ricky is mulling over what just happened and I decide to not push him. I've pulled my knees to my chest, and buried my head into them as I wait for Ricky to say something. My mind wanders to what everyone is doing inside. After Ricky left the room, I sobered up pretty quickly. Nothing like airing your dirty laundry out to sober you up, hey? On the way out here EJ warned me that Ricky wasn't up for talking and damn, I wish I listened. Then I wouldn't have this empty feeling in my heart right now after telling Ricky how I felt. I don't know, Red, C and even Seb encouraged me to come out and talk to him. The girls did as well honestly. I know that everyone wants everything back to way it was before, so do I. But it's not that easy. It's so hard and confusing, and my heart just aches, you know? It's like every time I see him I'm overjoyed, and then I want to cry, and then I'm angry and then I'm remorseful, then I'm so fucking pissed, and I usually just end up walking away. Shit maybe what he said about me leaving was true. Ugh, my thoughts are everywhere. I left my head to looks at him briefly and notice his leg bouncing up and down, it's a habit he's had for years when he's nervous, and my instinct is to place my hand on his knee like I used to. But I stop myself, it's not my place to comfort him anymore, and instead opt to wipe the few tears I have left on my face. Stupid, pathetic. I want to leave. I don't know why he asked me to stay, he's said nothing since. I don't even know why I stayed in the first place. I'm angry at him. Fuckkkkk, please say something. Break this silence, before I just break.
The bouncing stops and I hear Ricky inhale deeply,
"I need to tell you something Nins. And I didn't want to do it tonight with the alcohol and being drunk, and I just wanted you to have a good night and I know I shouldn't have turned up here anyway, and I'm sorry for blowing up on you before. But with the way things are right now, this is probably the only chance I'll have to talk to you." He rambles on, running his hands through his hair, then looking up at me with glossy eyes. Uh, what the fuck?
"Okay." I reply wearily, unsure how this is going to go.
He takes a deep breath, and I can see him go through the motions in his head about whatever the fuck he's going to say.
"Fuck, Nins. I'm so sorry, for everything."
You've got to be kidding me. He's apologising? After this long? For fucks sake.
"I'm so fucking sorry. I fucked up so badly and I've regretted it everyday since."
Ha. I'm sure.
"Hurting you, again, was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I just thought that—"
"Thought what? Thought it wouldn't hurt getting cheated on? Thought I wouldn't care? Or what? That I wouldn't find out about you fucking.someone.else?" I interrupt him, spitting the words through my teeth.
"Nini, please—" Ricky starts to say, but I keep talking, my anger and frustration pushing me to keep going. I can tell he's getting frustrated as well and it's clear we're going to end up blowing up at each other, but I just don't care right now.
"Give me a chance to explain." he pleads, trying to hide the frustration in his voice, but I'm too worked up, too much on a roll to listen to his shit right now.
"You drove all the way here, dragging the other guys along, for what?? To say sorry for something that you should have apologised for a fucking year ago?!"
I notice his hands gripping the sides of the chair, knuckles turning white.
"Has your conscious finally got the better of you Ricky?"
I wish he would stop tapping his fucking foot right now.
"What did you 'just think'? That I would forgive you? Huh, what about—"
"— I DIDN'T CHEAT ON YOU NINI!"  He shouts at me, causing me to stop talking. My heart stops. What the fuck is he getting at?
"That isn't funny, Ricky." I tell him with a small voice.
"I'm not joking. I didn't cheat on you. I, I, fuck. I'm so sorry Nins, but I didn't."
He's lying, he has to be lying. He told me he did! I saw him come out of that room with that girl!
"Stop lying to me." I say, my voice cracking as I remember that night.
"I didn't want to tell you like that, I'm sorry for shouting. But you need to believe me, I swear, nothing happened between me and that girl."
He has to be lying, because if he wasn't, then why would he willingly let me believe for a whole fucking year that he fucked someone else?
"I'm so fucking sorry, and I know you have every reason to think I'm lying, but I'm not."
Why would he willingly let me believe that I'm not enough for him? He has to be lying.
And yet, as he looks me dead in the eye, his glassy eyes boring into mine, I can just tell that he's telling the truth. And it shatters my heart all over again.
"I gotta go, I can't, I, don't please." I mumble out, and run blindly to the door leading back inside. This time he doesn't stop me.
What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.
Pushing my way through the doors I'm relieved to see that everyone's left the living space because as soon as I get inside I crumble to the floor and cry.
Why, why, why, why, why?
Why wasn't I enough for him?
Why would he make up such a huge lie?
Why did he have to break my heart like that?
Why would he do that?
Why would he do that?
Why couldn't he just fucking break up with me like any other person would!!!!
WHY!!!
Why am I not enough?
Why am I not enough?
Why am I not enough?
FUCK!!
I bite down on my hand, trying to hide the sobs that are taking over my  shaking body.
God I'm so pathetic, crying over a guy who has proven time and time again just how little he cares about me. I hear a door open and shut, and footsteps coming into the room. Great, just what I need. An audience to the Nini breakdown part 329447.
"Holy shit, Nini. Oh my gosh." Red says from across the room, and hurries to my side. He slides down next to me, and gently grabs my hand out my my mouth, and a heart wrenching sob escapes my body. I'm glad it was Red. He's been my friend almost as long as Ricky, and I under appreciate him sometimes.
"It's going to be okay Nins." He tells me softly, and I look at him, ignoring the rush of embarrassment I feel at my current state. I use my other hand to wipe my cheeks, my body still shaking with silent screams. He's giving me a small reassuring smile, and I wish I was in the right head space to acknowledge it. But at the moment I just want and kind of need to wallow. Taking a few deep breaths to steady myself, I ask him quietly,
"Why wasn't I good enough for him?" I ask as I lay my head on his shoulder, physically exhausted.
"You are enough. You are wonderful Nini. Ricky is my best friend, and I know he's an idiot, but it wasn't like that. You're just gonna have to talk to him." Red tells me softly.
Too hurt and stubborn for that idea, I respond with,
"I don't want to talk to him."
"I know, and you don't have to right now. But you should, when you're ready of course, give him a chance to explain. Not for his benefit, but for yours Nini. You deserve to know the truth." He tells me and we sit in silence for a few minutes.
"Uh, so what's the time anyway? Why are you up?" I ask uncomfortably, breaking the silence between us.
"About 1:30am, I was just grabbing some water and then I saw you." He tells me. I lift my head off his shoulder, clearing my throat, and stand up. I'm feeling a little suffocated all of a sudden.
"Thanks Red, even though your advice pissed me off, I know I'll be grateful when I'm in a better mood." I tell him honestly and watch him get up as well,
"I know, it's cool Nins. Are you gonna be okay?" He asks me, worry etched across his face.
"Just need some time. I'll be fine." My words rush out, before adding on "Uh hey, could you check on Ricky? I left him outside and I'm pretty sad, but ya know, I still like, care about him or whatever." I mumble awkwardly, and he nods before wishing me a goodnight, giving my one of his famous Big Red hugs and walks out to check on his best friend.
I hurry to find my my phone and keys to the girls room, put a jacket on and make my way out of the guys cabin.
I need to be alone and I need to sleep.
After a quick walk full of self deprecating thoughts and one sided conversations in my head, I flop myself onto the bed in the empty room. I texted the group chat on the way here to let them know I'm back at the girls room, just in case anyone noticed that I was gone, and will myself to get some sleep. My body is exhausted, but my mind is taking over. I don't know, it's like I'm numb, but also feeling everything.
All I can think about is Ricky.
Wondering why he would go to such extreme measures to end things. Or how he could allow me to hate him so fiercely afterwards. Or going back to me not being enough for him. Or was I too much? Too in love? As if that's such a thing? Maybe I was just a toy to him, something he could play with until he got bored. But I know he has a good heart. FUCK, see? It's confusing being me!! I can't even stay consistently angry at him. Always trying to find an excuse for his shitty behaviour. Cheater or not, he still broke my fucking heart and crumbled every piece of self assurance and confidence and trust I had to offer. So why am I trying to justify what he did? Fuckkkkkk.
All I know right now is that my heart aches, my emotions are everywhere, there's a steady stream of tears falling down my face, I'm going to have a terrible sleep and the last thing on my mind before my thoughts finally switch off is Ricky fucking Bowen.
Sweet dreams and all that jazz.