Worth Everything.

Messy Ass Monologue, Man.

RICKY

Oh fuck, I'm nervous. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. What is she going to say? What's going to happen? Does she hate me? I deserve it. Will she forgive me?? Give me another chance?? Wait, what. No. I don't want that. Do I want that? Fuck. Shit. Can't think about that right now. I need to focus on the present, and my breathing, and these erratic fucking thoughts. Gosh she looks so pretty today. Get it together Ricky. Get it the fuck together. Okay, we're almost done walking to 'our spot'. I don't know what compelled me to drive here, maybe the familiarity, muscle memory, comfort?? Who knows, but here we are, sitting down on the blanket from the trunk of my car, almost reminiscent of the good old days.. And the other week where I told her the truth. Ohhhhh. I'm sweating balls. Okay right. I got this. Chill the fuck out Bowen. She does look gorgeous though. Can't stop that thought, can I?
"You ready?" She asks me sweetly as we sit down. She looks so self assured right now, the complete opposite of me. I don't know if that makes me feel better, or worse?
"I'm a little nervous." I admit to her as I wipe the palms of my hands on my shirt. Yup, they're already freaking clammy. She notices, of course, and bites her lips as she raises an eyebrow. 
"I understand that, and I don't want to invalidate your feelings. It is just me though, Ricky. Nothing too be afraid of." She says gently with her cute ass smile. 
"You clearly have no idea of the power you have, Roberts." I say back, a feeble attempt at hiding my nerves as well as being charming and coy. I think it worked because her cheeks have just turned rosy. Hmm, that was a nice 10 second distraction. She shakes her head and laughs slightly before turning her body towards mine, 
"So,"
"So.." I say back with a teasing smile. Overcompensating my nerves, clearly. 
"Ricky." She says with a whine as she tries to hide her smile, "Stop."
"Stop what?" I ask widening my eyes and shrugging my shoulder, feigning confusion. I think she might be onto me.
"Stop trying to.. Come on. Stop with the whole smile thing, and the.. winking and.. Oh you know!" She says laughing and shakes her head. "Please. I need to have my head straight, and you're distracting me. Please" She says as she tilts her head and pouts at me. Damn it.
"Well how can I say no to that. You play a hard game."
"Thank you." She says with a wink, before leaning on her hand and looking at me. With a sigh, she starts
"Okay Ricky. Oh I just got really nervous all of a sudden. Look, I'd like a chance to say my part without any interruptions. Is that okay?" I nod in response.
"Okay, thank you. Wow. Hmm. I feel like this is going to be be a whole ass speech, so uh, get comfy?" 

NINI

Staring at Ricky knowing I'm about to open up a little to him is scary. I came into this with confidence and assurance that I was and will be okay, but then we fell into this easy and natural flirting? Is that what it was? I don't know, but it was so effortless you know? It felt as if nothing had changed between he and I, we were us again.. And then that freaked me out, because it's just not true. Everything has changed, there is no us anymore. That's why he and I are here right now. I need to let him know how I am feeling about this whole ordeal, before even dealing with the feelings that are there. Okay, it's kind of been quiet for a little too long so I better say something.
"Before I start I feel like I should ask.. Do you want the long, sad recap of what life has been like for me? Or are you going to opt for the condensed version of said story. I truly don't mind which you chose, both ways end the same." I tell him openly. 
"Tell me everything Nins, don't hold back, okay. It's okay." He says gently placing his hand over mine for a few seconds before removing it. I inhale deeply and jump in,
"I've had a couple weeks planning on what I was going to say to you, but everything I prepped for has just vanished. Go figure. Don't raise your eyebrow, of course I prepared something, I mean I had to Ricky. I always lose my thoughts when it comes to you, you know? And I don't mean that in a bad way, I'm just being honest.. I don't know where I was going with that, rambling, sorry. So I've heard that in order for people to move on from stuff honesty and transparency play a huge factor. You were honest with me, and I guess it's my time to be honest with you." I take a deep breath in, and fiddle with my nails as I begin to speak.
"You really hurt me Ricky. Like, absolutely fucking devastated me. It was this ultimate heart breaking betrayal and it almost destroyed me. I know you probably don't want to hear this, and heck, I don't even like talking about it, but I feel that it's important that you know that. Um at the beginning of our break up, for maybe about a week I don't think I uttered more than a few words to my anybody. They tried, my family, all our friends, I usually had like a visitor a day, but they didn't matter, they weren't capable of making me feel better. I didn't shower or brush my teeth or hair, I didn't really even get out of bed. All I did was stare at my walls and my ceiling, look at my phone and cry.."
"Nini--"
"It's okay. Just let me talk please. I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad, I just need to be honest.. During that time, I also just stopped eating. And, like, it wasn't because I wanted to lose weight or wasn't happy with the way my body was, it was that, like, I just had no appetite, like, not even a desire to eat anything. It was like I was stuck in this catatonic place in my mind, and I wasn't aware of what was happening around me.. Hey, it's okay. I know. It's hard, but I'm okay now." I whisper to him as his eyes start welling up and he starts biting on his bottom lip. This is real, and it hurts, but it's important. I take a deep breath, swallowing the lump in my throat and feel a couple stray tears fall. 
"I was in a very dark place and since I am being honest, I blamed you. I blamed you for every bad thing in my life, and I hated you for it Ricky. I am so sorry for doing that.. I'm so fucking sorry. You were just such an easy scapegoat for me because of what had happened.. And what made it worse was that even despite knowing what you 'did', and knowing how hurt I was, feeling my heart break.. What made it worse was that I was still looking at my phone every hour of every day waiting for you to reach out. A little text, a missed call, a fucking poke on Facebook, just something to remind me that you were still you, you still cared about me, you wouldn't do that to me. But there was nothing and it hurt every time, and fuck it made me feel so pathetic. I hated it, I hated me." I have to stop to wipe the tears that formed in my eyes, and Ricky is doing that same. I grab his hand gently and start tracing his wrist.
"It was the longest summer break for me. I worked a couple shift at Zees every week which distracted me I guess, but then I would come home and be alone and sink right back into the pity party I created for myself. Nothing from you all summer, and nobody told me about you as well. I know they were doing it to spare my feelings, but we went from talking everyday to literally nothing. Not a word, not a sighting, not a mention. Fuck it was painful."
"I'm so sorry Nini, I'm so fucking sorry." He says as he looks me in the eye. 
"I know Ricky. Thank you. I am okay now." I tell him trying to muster a smile. Nothing prevails though.
"Eventually it was all over and I was on my back to Denver, to a school that I was set on saying goodbye to just a few months earlier, and wow I felt so wrong being there. It was so strange and just a constant reminder about what happened. It honestly fucking sucked ha. I was determined, however, to not allow myself to pull others down like I know I did over the summer break, so I walked in with my head held high and the biggest smile plastered on my face. Seriously, my acting skills are impressive, because I was still so very sad. Thankfully we had private room because I cried almost every night for a couple weeks after getting back. I don't think I'd felt more alone in my life. I began to pour myself into extra curriculars, my studies, auditions and all that jazz as a way to leave my room and distract myself from the things in my head. I guess it worked out though, all the studying because my grades in every one of my classes improved, and were near perfect. I'd say that was the first positive to come from such sorrow. My better grades garnered attention and I was being moved to AP classes, being presented with so many opportunities I wasn't prior, and being offered roles and positions that I'd never even heard of. It was crazy, and pretty cool. I was genuinely starting to feel a little happy again. I was finally beginning to move on from it, and was in the process of healing. Not completely, I'm still pretty fucked up from it ha, but it was enough for me to be okay with who I was. 'The New Nini.'" I stop talking, hating that I am reliving those moments. He squeezes my hand, probably hearing the quiver in my voice.  
"I slept with someone two months into being back at YAC. I cried after he left because it wasn't you, then I hated myself a little more for thinking that, and for using him.
Four months to be able to hear your name without feeling my heart break all over again.
Five months there and I slept with someone else. It was still weird, but I didn't cry or feel guilty after it.
I kissed EJ. It was a mistake, but it happened.
Six months to finally grasp that it wasn't my fault what had happened.
Eight months to look in the mirror and feel content with what I saw. I heard about you and Maggie a couple weeks after that. It hurt.
Nines months at YAC to fully grasp how lucky I was to have stayed at that school, and that moving back to EHS would have been such a bad choice.
Nine months to begin to forgive you.
Eleven months to work up the courage to invite you to my graduation.
A year to admit to myself that I didn't hate you, despite it all. I just could not hate you.
Then it happened, I finally graduated. Valedictorian with scholarships and offers coming from so many brilliant places. And I invited you to thank you for pushing me to come here in the first place, and for breaking my heart, because if you hadn't, I would have moved back to EHS. Not seeing you at my grad reopened a couple wounds that I thought I was healed from. Seeing you again, a year after we broke up for the first time since that night also reopened wounds that I thought had gone. I was pulled back to that night and it was scary to me because I really had come far in my progress. It was all a shit show up here," I point to my head.
It's getting a little cold so I put my cardigan on before finishing on my lengthy monologue.
"Then you told me the truth, that you didn't cheat on me and it threw me completely off guard. I spent over a year convincing myself that you were an awful person, I spent over a year healing from this huge heart break and betrayal and pain, only for it to be based on a lie and I was so fucking livid Ricky. I really was. And confused as well, because you were right, YAC was my place to be, my place to shine, and I would have come back to EHS if we were still together.. Like. How can I be pissed at that? I don't know, see it still confuses me. Regardless though, something in me kind of just snapped. I think that with that revelation on top on the graduation snub and seeing you again since the break up just pulled me back inside this dark head of mine. You took me home, and it was like a repeat of the break up. Not getting out of bed, not talking, not fucking eating, like what the fuck. I was selfishly worrying everyone around me, again. It was fucked. Thankfully I had some sense knocked into me and I was able to pull myself out of the head space. I was also adamant on never talking to you. I was done with you and the lies and the heartbreak."
"Clearly not going to well for you, hey?" He asks, trying to lighten the mood.. I appreciate the sentiment.
"Well I guess luckily for you after an annoying, but necessary conversation with a friend he shone a bit of light on you Ricky. And then I served Tony at work, do you remember him and Ruth? Yeah the old couple with the newspaper. Ruth died a few months ago. His wife of however many years died, and yet here he was, able to function and continue on with his life. It put things into perspective for me. While my hurt feelings are valid, because they are, I gave up fighting with myself about you. Tony was okay, so I could be okay as well. It was like everything clicked in that moment, because the passionate anger I felt, the hot rush of negativity just dissipated. Of course, there are still the residual hurt feelings, they're hard to let go of, but that's life. Wow, so um. I guess what I am trying to get across after that messy ass monologue, is that I forgive you Ricky. I acknowledge what has happened in the past, and I accept it and I've moved past it. I forgive you, and you deserve forgiveness. I'm so sorry as well. I fucked up too, and I know that. You're such a good guy, and your actions can be so stupid at times, but your hearts always in the best place. I miss you so much and I fucking hate what we have become. Please, if you want, can we be friends again?"