Worth Everything.

Perspective.

NINI

"Here's your long black, thank you you Tony." I say with a smile to one of our regulars as I pass him his coffee. I've been back at work for almost a week now, and so far so good. 
"Good to see you back Nina." He tells me back with a nod and looks down at his paper.
Tony. Regular long black and a blueberry muffin. The local newspaper, a pen for the crossword, and sits by the window. A little rough on the edges, can be a little insensitive like a lot of people from his generation, but tips well. He's a cute little old man who I've gotten to know over the past couple of years from working here. Enlisted in the war, served, then came home, became a mechanic and met Ruth. Three kids, 11 grandchildren, 1 great grandchild. Ruth was a gorgeous lady, who had the kindest heart, so much patience, and always a lot of stories. She passed away a few months back. I'm fortunate enough, so far, that I have't had to deal with much death in my life, but when I heard that Ruth died, just a lovely lady who I would make coffee for, it really hit me for some reason. I can't imagine how Tony feels. My heart absolutely breaks for him.
It was so abundantly clear that they were each others person, you know? 
Seeing Tony back here, without Ruth, seeing him functioning on the outside world really put things into perspective for me with my shit.
 Am I upset about everything with Ricky? Of course.
Am I still avoiding him, and have been doing so since he told me the truth? Yes.
Do we still need to talk about things? Definitely.
But am I angry? Not really. Sad, but not angry.
Do I hate him? No.
Am I going to let this affect me as much as it has before?
No. No, I'm not.
Life is too short to hold grudges, as cliche as that is. And I can't allow myself to sink into a dark place again. If Tony is able to survive the absolute heartbreak of losing Ruth, then I can handle this. If he is capable of still being his own person, without her, then I can be too. Okay let's be real, I'm probably still going to be mad when we inevitably hash it all out. But I am trying, okay? Like, I really do stand by my statements. But I am human.

It's been a pretty quiet day today, just the odd customer here and there, mostly our regulars. I did have Carlos, Kaden and Nat in to get coffee a couple hours back, and then G and Gray came by and had lunch, but apart from that, nothing too interesting.  
Few more hours til my shift is over and then I'm going home and drawing a bath and have a date with Netflix. Thrilling night for a single 18 year old, I know. My friends have invited me over, they're having a 'small' get together at Ash's, but I just don't feel like going. Is it because Ricky is going to be there? I'd like to say no, but it did make it easier declining the offer learning he'd be there, but I truly am just not in the mood for a party. Night at home sounds just perfect.
I've started wiping down the counter, giving me something to do while everyone is engrossed in their coffee and food when a girl about my age approaches the bench. Putting the cloth aside, and sanitising my hands, I throw on my best tip awarding smile, 
"Hi! How can--"
"Regular soy latte, and a large iced caramel macchiato. Have here." I get interrupted. Hmph. She just cut me off. How rude. If I wasn't behind the counter, I would have given her a piece of my mind. But unfortunately, I need this money and arguing with customers doesn't pay well.
"Of course. Will that be all?" I ask fake sweetly as I press the buttons on the till. 
"Yep." She says shortly back. Wow, alright then. She looks a little familiar though, probably someone who went to EHS before I left. I obviously left a bad impression on her if she's openly rude straight off the boat.
"Okay then, that'll be $10.50."
She throws a $20 bill on the counter. 
"15% tip." She says as she looks down at her phone.
"Thank you very much. Here's your change. Take a seat and it won't be long." I tell her and she walks away still looking down. 15% of $10.50 is $1.57. Sweet! Better than nothing! Honestly surprised she even gave it. I love my job, but dealing with rude people like her do make it harder to enjoy it. Is it too hard to just fake nice? 
As I move to make her drinks, I spot her taking a seat with another girl our age. Ahh, for fucks sake. I definitely recognise her friend. Of fucking course, just as I say the day hasn't been interesting. I feel my heart start to beat a little faster, so focus on making their drinks. Steam the soy, extract the coffee, pour the milk. Extract the coffee, pour the caramel, ice, water, cream. It's all very therapeutic honestly, and a really good distraction. Unfortunately it also only takes me a couple of minutes, so the distraction quickly ends. Damn, I wish there was another server on today, but it's not a busy day so it's just me rostered on in the front. Woo.
I grab a tray, put the drinks on them and take them over to the two girls and pray to whoever is listening that this will be fast. Just really not up for this.
"Regular soy latte and an iced caramel macchiato. Enjoy." I say and place the drinks on their table. Don't acknowledge, don't acknowledge, don't acknowledge.
"Oh my gosh, hi Nina! I didn't realise you worked here. Cute!" I hear Maggie say condescendingly. I mean, I've worked here for literal years and served her more than once, but okay sis. Whatever you say.
"Hey Maggie," I say with a smile, "Just call out if you need anything else." I turn on my heel and almost step away when she keeps on talking.
"Anything exciting happening for you this summer break?" She asks, and to the outside looking in, it would seem like she was being kind, however I know her. I know she doesn't like me, I know she's only asking to bring up Ricky somehow, it's all bullshit. You're at work Nini. AH fuck.
"I'm working most of the break, but yeah, I've spent time with my friends so far. What about you? Do you two have anything planned?" I ask both girls.
The other girl just gives me the evils, go figure, while Maggie takes a gulp of her latte. She even has the same fricken order as me.
"Oh you know. Parties, friends, a guy, just fun teenage stuff." She says as she out her drink down.
"Sounds cool. I actually just came back from a weekend getaway at Alta with my friends, which was really fun. Good to be together with everyone again after leaving." Lets leave out the part where Ricky and I got into it, and relish on the glare she gave me instead. This is all a game to her, and I'm playing along.
"Oh. All of you? Sounds fun. So, what are your plans for next year? I heard you got valedictorian at your dramatic school. Congratulations." Maggie says, and I swear I saw her roll her eyes.
"All nine of us, yes. Thank you. Yeah, it was crazy. Glad all the studying paid off." I tell her back and watch as her face twitches after confirming that her beloved was there. They're not even together. Whatever, I don't care. She takes another small drink, and looks at her friend.. Theia! That's her name. Theia from chemistry.
"Lots of spare time to study, hey?" She finally giggles out with a smirk. Theia laughs.
"Not really, no. Just amazed at the things dedication and determination can achieve?."
I give them a small smile and turn again, not wanting to entertain her anymore. I'm over this conversation, not because I'm hurt or anything, but honestly because it isn't satiating me whatsoever. Obviously, that wasn't the end of it for her though because she calls my name, making me turn towards them.
"Shoot, hey! Sorry Ricky couldn't make it to your grad, we were super busy, and he forgot all about it. Guess we just didn't have time unlike you and your studying, right?" Like, have I been pulled into a movie? This is some cliche mean girl shit, it's crazy. Regardless though, ouch. Right in the sore spot. I want to punch this bitch. Instead, I thank myself for being a fairly talented actress, put on my biggest and most sincere smile, and tell them,
"Of course, I understand. He explained that already, but thank you regardless. Enjoy your drinks." And walk toward the counter with my heart absolutely hammering. Yeah, I clearly lied about him telling me, but I needed a win, and from the literal huff and gasp I hear from behind me, I got it. Doesn't stop my heart from pounding. I walk past Tony who is looking down at his paper, and ask if he needs anything, because while my feathers have been ruffled (LOL who says that?), I'm still at work, aren't I?
"I'm all right. That girl over there, both of them, seem like a pair of bad apples, Nina. Don't let her bother you." I hear Tony grunt out and I can't help but smile at his words. 
"Thank you Tony." I say and he smiles back at me and returns to his crossword.
Perspective. Take a breath, and get back to work Nini.

A few hours later I'm saying goodbye to Harry, my manager, and throwing my apron in the laundry basket. All in all, work wasn't bad. Theia and Maggie didn't stay for that long, and no more snarky comments were said out loud. I kinda feel like they just chose to have their drinks here just to get under my skin. I don't know, maybe I'm just thinking too much into it. Whatever. Tony left around the same time as well, so the afternoon was pretty cruisy.
The cafe isn't actually closed though, just the end of my shift. It's one of those places that turn into a bar around the evening, which is interesting in the state of Utah, but it's pretty cool. Local acts come and perform their songs, and the crowds are mostly young adults. Because I'm only 18, I'm not legally allowed to handle and serve alcohol, but I have stayed behind in the past to enjoy the good music. Seriously, Salt Lake has some impressive talent. I wonder if Harry will let a group of underagers perform.. Hmm. I'll be sure to ask later, sounds like something my friends would be interested in.
I text my Moms that I'm on my way back, and start walking forward. It's getting pretty dark by now, and with no car, I hastily make my way down the path to my house. It's a trip that doesn't take that long, and also one I've done plenty of times, but I still have my location on and my pepper spray in hand ready to go if I need to. That's the reality of being a woman, which sucks, but I guess it's better to be safe than sorry. I seriously need a car of my own. My parents did offer the car for the night, but I thought the fresh air would do me well after a weird day like today. Also, not going to lie, I am a little nervous. Walking alone, during the evening, as a woman. Statistics don't lie, but as I turn onto my street and see my house, my nerves fade. The fresh air did, in fact, do me well. Opening the door, I hear the TV going, and the smell of something delicious coming from the kitchen.
"I'm home!" I call out to my parents who are around somewhere, and make my way to the bathroom to shower.
As the water runs down my body so many thoughts flood my mind.
First and foremost, I love my raspberry vanilla body wash. It smells beatific.
Secondly I am counting my blessings to have two wonderful Moms, who love and support me even when I don't deserve it.
Thirdly I think of my friends, old and new, and remind myself to text them all to tell them I appreciate them. It's something more people need to start doing.
I then begin to think of Tony and Ruth and how great their love story was/is. A life full of love, and heart ache, and pain, and happiness and family and memories. I know, I don't know their full story, but what I do know, what I was fortunate enough to learn about, and see for my own eyes, was that they loved each other. Wholeheartedly. 
And I know that while my heart is still fragile, and my walls are built high, I know that one day, I will find someone who loves, cherishes and respects me as much as I do them. 
I thought I had that, and knowing I was wrong, really hurts. But I'm still hopeful.
And until then, I'm pretty happy with being my own person. Learning about myself, learning how to love myself, and finding contentment in myself sounds like a pretty fantastic summer to me.

Fresh air and perspective. 

Fuck those crappy feelings from before. I have decided that today I've had a really good day, and as I step out of the shower, clean and smelling amazing, ready to eat dinner with my family then cosy into bed with a movie, I'm pretty darn blessed.