Red.

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NINI

----FLASHBACK----
1 year, 4 months ago.

"She hasn't gotten out of bed since Saturday night."
"Ricky loves her."
"What happened Kourtney?"
"Here's some food."
"My ears and arms are wide open baby."
"Sorry guys, she's not up for visitors"
"I'm worried Dana."
"Nini, we love you."
"She's not talking to anyone."
"I'm going to call Mike."
"Love you kid."
"Make it make sense."
"Still in her room Ash, go on up."
"I'll see you after work Nins."
"This doesn't make sense."
"Not today, sorry Kourt"
"Try eat a little sweetie."
"I'm just going to sit here for a minute okay?"
"What do we do?"
"Hey Carlos."
"I know, but we don't want to push her."
"FUCK!"
"Please say something Nins, please."
"Give her space Carol, she just needs space."
"She barely eats."
"Of course, come in EJ."
"Talk to us Nins, please."
"Nini, baby, come on, it's time to shower."
"It's okay to be sad my girl, it's okay to feel."

"Something needs to happen Carol, this can't carry on."
"Nini, please talk to us."
"Seb's here with your favourite cookies."
"I feel so lost, I don't know what to do."
"I love you too Dana. Our girl will get through this."
"How can I help? I just want to help you."

"I'm scared Dana."
"Get in the shower Nina."
"I can't keep letting her just sit there staring at the wall Carol!"
"Nini please talk to us."
"Gina is here to see you, Nins."
"Eat Nini."
"I know, she's lost so much weight."
"She told me she loves us today."
"No, she just needs time to grieve."
"Don't you remember your first huge heartbreak?"
"I can't believe Ricky would do this."
"Here's breakfast Nins, have a good day."
"I'll see you after work, I love you."

There are 38 small imperfections on my ceiling.
93 tiny holes from the pictures and posters that I have pinned to the wall over the years.
119 fairy lights.
23 photos with him in it that I haven't taken down.
So much pink.
Too many memories.
I'm going fucking insane inside my head, but I can't get out.
My heart is shattered.
Something in me is broken.
I'm broken.
I've been inside of my head for a week now. I don't know, I feel hallow. I haven't left my house the entire time, I've barely left my room honestly. All I do is sleep, or cry, or just stare into nothingness. I try not to think too much, because thinking means remembering and remembering is painful. It's all so fucking painful. I can't believe he did this.. No, stop. Stop. I clamp my eyes shut, and hope that I manage to fall asleep.

I'm awoken by someone knocking at the door.. It was a good sleep to. No dreams. Hmph. If I stay quiet, which won't be hard, they'll think nobody is home and they will leave. It's probably a salesman trying to sell the latest bullshit gimmick someone created. More knocking. They'll give up soon. Everyone gives up on me eventually. I cuddle further into my blankets.
"Nini?" A muffled voice calls out from below my window.
That's not a salesman. Just a lousy friend. If I stay quiet he'll think nobody is home, or that I'm asleep. I want to be asleep, my body is exhausted. 
"Nini, let me in. Please?" He pleads from down below and I feel my heart stir hearing how desperate he is. Curse my broken empathetic heart. I bite my hand to stop the tears that are threatening to spill over. 
"Come on Nins, it's only me. I want to see you. Please let me in."
Ha, a week too late bud.
"I'm very persistent Nina, you know this."
"You know I'll stay out here for hours until you let me see you Nins."
Fuck, he's not going to stop until I open my front door and will continue to annoy me until I do so as well. But I want to be alone, why can't people accept that I just want to be alone right now!! FUCK. Stray tears fall down my face, and I hate it. I wipe furiously at them, and shoot up from my bed. Fine. Only because it's him and I need to give him a piece of my mind. I head downstairs, barely having set foot down here in a week, and thank my Moms for forcing me to shower this morning.. Oh shit. The realisation that they definitely knew this was happening hits me. Of course they do. I shake my head in annoyance, wishing people would just get that I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I just need to grieve this huge loss.. I need to mourn him. The tears are coming back and I let them fall, before wiping my eyes again and taking a breath of composure.
As I approach the door my mind battles with me, urging me to go back upstairs and ignore him. I don't want to see anyone right now, let alone him. So why the fuck am I down here? I could've just stayed hidden in my room, but I don't know. Something compelled me to confront this guy, so here I am. My mind is everywhere, this is the most I've done all week. Fuck that's pathetic. It's just, he didn't make any effort to message me, or show up, or anything, you know? So why now? What's changed? Has he finally remembered that I'm the one who got hurt? I was the person who was hurt and betrayed and humiliated? Fuck. I'm so stupid. My head is in turmoil. 
Concentrate on the present. Okay.
"Hurry up." I call out as I open the door and walk over to the living room to wait. 
I sit on a single couch, wrapping a blanket around my body out of comfort and security, and hear the door click shut. There's some shuffling and then timid steps.
Am I ready to finally face someone? And for it to be someone who made no effort? Whatever, I guess so. Here goes nothing.
"In here." I call out and hear him make his way into my view.
Seeing him immediately makes me see red. I'm so angry at him. Radio silence for a week?? Not a fucking word, and then he turns up out of nowhere?? Years of friendship, and then nothing? I know I've been avoiding everyone, but we've been friends since I can remember and not hearing from him when my world kind of crumbled was really fucking shitty. I kind of want to scream at him to fuck off and then go upstairs to cry. Instead I bite my tongue and glower. It's the best I can come up with right now.
He shifts uncomfortably from one foot to another, before sighing and sitting in front of me.
"Hey Nins." 
"Hi Red."
"I'm sorry it took me so long to see you." Red says as he looks me in the eye. 
"Thank you."
"How are you holding up?"
"Perfectly." I bite back.
I know I'm being rude and short, but I'm pissed and I'm feeling petty and I have all these emotions I've been bottling up since EJs party. I'm just a mess. I feel like I'm not making any sense right now.
"I've been a shitty friend to you, and I know you're mad."
Understatement. "Yep."
He's so obviously uncomfortable right now, and it makes me feel awful, but am I going to do anything to change it? Probably not.
"It's been a weird time, Nins. Ricky's been--"
"--Don't." I snap at him. "Don't say his name." Absolutely fucking not.
"Fuck, shit sorry. I don't even know how to act anymore. This is all messed up Nins." He mumbles out. This isn't right. Red and I have been friends for so long, we shouldn't feel so awkward around each other. This is so fucked up. Of course I don't tell him this though, and choose to scoff in response instead of using my words like a normal mature person.
"You two are my closest friends, and I want to be there for you both.. It's hard."
"It's hard? For who? Ricky? You? Who?" I ask not bothering to hide the sarcasm.
"I'm not trying to take anything away from you, I know it's hard for you Nins. But it feels like I'm being pulled in opposite directions between you guys." He tells me quietly.
"I'm sorry you feel that way Red. But we haven't spoken to since that night, Red. I'm not pulling you anywhere. We'd have to actually be in contact for that." I tell him shortly. I don't want to discredit the way he feels, but I'm still upset and it definitely shows in my tone.
"I know I should have reached out sooner, and I wanted to be here for you Nins--"
"--But you weren't, Red. And I get it, he's your best friend. Be there for him as much as you would like to. You're a really good friend Red. But don't forget that I'm here too, and I'm hurting as well Red. I'm so fucking hurt. He fucking cheated, and you didn't even make the effort to say anything to me, Red. I'm your friend too." I say staring at him as a few tears make their way down my cheeks. I know I'm going to explode soon if I don't reel my anger back. It's not Red who I'm actually mad at. Well it is, but not really. It's fucking Ricky.
"Fuck Nini, I know. I should have done more. I'm sorry, it's just.." He takes a pause and we stare at each other. This is the most talking I've done all week. He still hasn't finished his sentence from before though, so I guess it's my turn to speak.
"Just what? I'm not asking for you to be here with me every hour of the day. Literally, just a text! Just something that made it seemed like you had my back as well. I know you and Ricky are best friends. I don't expect you to choose sides or anything Red. I just needed the smallest acknowledgement from you. It's been the three of us for years, and then I lost him. And it tears me up, every second of the day. And then it felt like I lost you which was just a cherry on top." I whisper shout at him. A couple tears appear again, of course. 
"I'm sorry I didn't make an effort Nins, I really am," he takes a deep breath, almost as if he is arguing with himself, before continuing, "It's just that Ricky had nobody. No one has spoken to him, apart from EJ, since everything happened. He's struggling too. Hey, no. Don't give me that look, I know he fucked up. I'm so fucking pissed at him, Nini. But I couldn't desert him. He needed me, and you had everyone else here for you, rightfully so. But he's hurting, and nobody should be alone when they're hurt Nins."
Hurt? He's hurt? He chose this. Not me, HE DID. I see red. Keep it in, keep it in. Keep it-- fuck. I can't.
"HE FUCKED SOMEONE ELSE RED. IN THE ROOM NEXT TO ME. A FUCKING STRANGER. HE DID THAT! WHY WOULD HE BE HURT! HIS CHOICE. I WAS RIGHT THERE. FUCK! I'M FUCKING BROKEN." I blew. Tears stream down my face and I bite down on the insides of my cheeks. 
"Nini.."
"NO! My heart physically aches, Red. He's shattered every part of me, and I can't put myself together again. I'm broken, Red. And I miss him, I miss him so fucking much. I'm so pathetic." I say through gasps of air. I'm a mess right now. I move my legs up on to the couch and pulls my knees up to my face and sob. I hate that I miss him. I hate that I love him. I hate that I still want him. I hate him and I hate me.
I jump when I feel Red wrap his arms around me. He whispers over and over that he's sorry.
"I hate him Red." I choke out, and feel him nod. 
"I do." I say, not sure who I'm trying to convince.
We stay this way, him hugging me, and me crying into his shoulder for a few more minutes. Everything that needed to be said, no longer needs to be. I'm not angry at him anymore, I know I was taking my emotions out on the wrong guy. 
I pull myself out of his grasp, wiping at my blotchy red face and sigh out of both exhaustion and frustration.
"I'm sorry for everything. You're a really good friend.. Thank you for being here." I say quietly, my voice still thick with emotion.
"Anytime Nins." He tells me, and I notice his eyes are glossy as well. 
"This is a shit show, Red." I say pulling the blanket up again,
"It really is." He agrees and sits back down with a yawn. I finally properly look at him and notice the dark circles under his eyes. And how lifeless his skin looks, and the red mess on top of his head. Shit, here I am thinking he's been a crappy friend, when I can say the same about me. Wow, how did I miss how drained he looks.
"I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you look exhausted Red. Seriously. Have a nap, nobody will be home for a few more hours. Make yourself comfortable." I say with a small fake smile. He looks at me in disbelief, and shakes his head at me. Huh?
"I didn't mean to offend you, sorry." I tell him quietly, feeling bad.
"It's not that Nins. I know I look like shit, it's been a long week, it's all good." He tells me, and I bite my lip and furrow my brow in confusion.
He shakes his head again before looking at me, and opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.
"What?" I'm tired.
"It's ironic Nins. You saw how tired I look, and became so concerned. It was all over your face. After having your heartbroken, after crying on my shoulder literally. You put me before you. And you've always been like that, noticing when people aren't doing well, and being genuinely invested in making sure whoever they are, feels a little better. Your heart is amazing."
"How is that ironic? I don't get it?" I ask confused. I'm empathetic, it's a blessing and a curse, I don't know. He sighs and shrugs his shoulders.
"Conversation for another time Nins. We've had enough arguing for the day,"
"So it's gonna piss me off then? The conversation?"
"Definitely. Let's have some food and then take a nap yeah? You look pretty tired as well."
"Okay then." I tell him and he stands and makes his way to the kitchen.
I don't know what this upcoming conversation will be about, but I'm glad it's not happening today. I'm emotionally exhausted.

I'm still not okay. I'm still sad, and broken. But seeing Red today, and talking to him, and not being in my room, helped me.
I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over this heartbreak, but having my support system there makes me feel a little less scared and alone. I'm thankful. Broken, but thankful.
 I don't know. Tomorrow I'll probably revert back to my shell, but today wasn't horrible.
That's something.


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